Beleaguered

What can one do when one is stressed? Today I met with the chairpersons of the other schools to draw up the bout list. I will be playing again this year in the senior category. Two years ago I had a gold medal to show for my efforts, in the same inter tertiary competition though I was not part of NUS yet. Last year there was the team gold and individual bronze. This year I am going for a double whammy. Yet including team and individual matches there will be close to 9 matches that I have to play. One of the most around. The pressure I put on myself comes from within. I cannot explain why I am trying to push myself so hard for and why do I have such high expectations for everyone around me. Or can I? I spent the whole day vasodilating and having a tremendous heart rate. I do not fall asleep before visualizing the tournament scenario. I worry for my team mates if they will perform and I keep telling myself losing is not an option. I really have no added incentive for all these stress. In all honesty, my comm and myself did a wonderful job at rebuilding the judo club in NUS. The credit goes back to my previous comm when I was the vice captain. We easily dwarf the other schools in terms of number of participants, both beginners and experienced players. A year later, these players will grow into intermediate standard players and new people will come in. The base of the club is all well. Our prospects of clinching both first and second is looking good. Our medal tally should exceed last year's. Yet all these are not certain. For one, there is still the actual competition where we need to prove our mettle. Aaron was injured yesterday, and rather badly. The injury will put him out for at least a few months. He is one of my star players in the beginners' group. I fully expected him at least a silver medal. Thankfully there is still jeremy, piers, Linh and boon. All of whom I spent many many thursdays training. I have no obligation to do so. I could have always asked for once a week training and left it at there. hardly any other seniors will be there on thursdays to help me. Yet I have always been adamant about training at least twice a week. I am really glad for the juniors to always be there, always willing to learn and always willing to suffer. Cheryl tore a muscle in her arm, out for a week. I had not expected a speedy recovery and for all safety reasons, I did not put her down. Hauwan, one of our senior players,told me her mum did not approve of her playing judo competitively. In the end I had to take her out as well. How my heart aches. There is still Vicky and Devica. I am praying that they remain well till the date of the competition and may they pass this test with flying colors. There is pressure because I trained them. Not that I know any thing about training at first. I started out by just teaching what ever I know and what ever I like to them. Soon the way things work gained some order. Then there is the team, as captain how I wish I can lead both the teams to the final. I was the one who picked the teams last year and how unlucky were we not to have both teams in the final. Tiredness and a lack of concentration are to be blamed for the second team's results. And over cautiousness on my part. Yet securing the title is of utmost importance, so I had to sacrifice any element of risks for stability. This year Jerry urged me to choose the line up again and I am very heartened to know that people have their confidence in me. We lack the necessary experienced girls. Last year we had liling and celene. This year they both graduated. But we do have Renjun, Mingli, Yannee and Devica. The guys are almost untouchable. At least that is the confidence running through the team. I would be proud to be fighting with them. Then comes the issue of reaching the finals with both NUS team. Who shall decide who wins? I am desperate to win and yet all the equivocalness between the teams make it hard to separate. That is if we can negotiate our way past SMU and NYP. Finally the last and yet important thing on my mind is my own individual games. At least I am kept apart from this 150kg guy, so the only way to meet him would be in the finals. There would be 4 games for me before reaching the finals. My second round opponent has an advantage of coming in fresh while I have to face someone from NYP. By my own reckoning, I am one of the best in my category if not the best. Yet there are no easy matches. Precisely because I think I am the best that I am really afraid of losing. It gives me a headache to think about it. There will be tricky opponents as well. At my level, the difference between players is slim. Though all in my category are not. I lost at the semi final last year by a really small point and yet in the team event I beat the same guy so it just goes to show how tight things can get. I remember my first defeat during sec 3 national school. I had fully expected to win and yet was caught so badly off guard that I lost just as miserably. I had nightmares for months after that. I really do not wish a repeat of that. Then some 150kg just appears and wants to play in my category. But I must admit hard as it is for me, it would be equally hard for the rest. It all boils down to mental fortitude, preparations and a slice of luck in the end.
Why do I expect so much. If the standards and expectations were never there, I would have no need to worry. So what if I am a good captain, my livelihood is not going to depend on that. On preparing for this tournament, there is still my looming pros and a CMAD to think about. Maybe the stress is really getting to me. But I can handle that. Yes my appetite is not the same but I still down what ever food in front of me during meal times. I find it hard to sleep so I sleep during the morning. There is a niggering worry and fear at the back of my head but I still need to cram my notes into the same place. Life has to go on and I have to face everything bravely.
My favorite team Chelsea is a hard team to beat. I hope to have two similar squads who players who desperately do not want to lose. I just read a quote from the Chelsea website : every game seems tricky when you must not fail to win it.
Are you champions? I hope to have an answer next week.
On monday I had training and two people were sent to hospital. Cheryl for her arm and Linh for a knock on the head. Linh was petrified and almost panicked when he could not recall anything from the immediate past. I assured him that memories will return to him after a few days of rest. We took him to the hospital and in the end the wait was so long that he did not get to see the doctor. He recovered quite well the next day. Cheryl has no chance of playing this year because I had not put her down, thinking her injury will not heal so fast. I am wrong and now there is nothing to do about it. There were some ten of us at the hospital waiting with Linh and Cheryl. I am really touched by the camaraderie shown by everyone. And of course grateful for the ride home Cheryl's mum offered me.
On tuesday I attended the wedding of my guarantor. She is my cousin, from the paternal side. At 36 it seems about time she settles down. The wedding was held at Fullerton. It certainly looked impressive from the outside and thoughts of holding my own there crossed my mind. I was however disappointed by the interior. My mum tried to matchmake me with my cousin. Without taking a closer look I coyly rejected the notion and proceeded to make conversation with her father. I did not regret the decision later when I sat at the same table as them. Though I must admit myself shocked to know that someone from my paternal side could produce such a beauty. The rest of my cousins either look like cartoon characters or stupid cartoon characters. If only I had taken a shot of her with my phone, then I could have substantiated my claims of her ravishing looks here.
There were small bells given to each of us and we had to ring them when the couple entered the ballroom. Wedding bells I guess. Then some of my relatives got drunk and made the couple kiss on stage for as long as the audience could clap. As usual my cousins' wives were making a ruckus and pulled me over inquiring about cosmetic surgery and breast enlargement. Frankly one of them with her film star looks needed nothing of that, even after two children and almost 20 years of marriage. I swear she looks younger than me. All the while I thought my family could only produce grotesque beings bar me and my parents. I had not wanted to attend my gran's birthday celebration this weekend at first. Guess it took little to make me change my mind. I am not close to this gran. And even now, knowing she is not in the best of health, I choose to keep my distance. It hurts when someone you love is taken away from you. i am just glad there are many who would offer her their company, however hypocritical it may be.
I had a dream one of the days before. I dreamt of a certain sexless Mr Yeo. Sexless because he behaves like a woman. Covers his mouth while laughing and takes offense easily and criticism personally. It has been 6 years since i last saw him or maybe more. in my dream, he sat beside me and had his arm around me as I was facing the computer. Then he held my hand and said something that really puts me off but I cannot remember what was it. I woke up in cold sweat.
The week still holds much which I may put down here. But the time is late and I shall continue another time. With pictures of the wedding and my last few trainings as captain. MAy this serves as a reminder.