Sunday, March 22, 2009
Not knowing what to write.. because I have written so much ... and so little.
It is another night which i cannot get to sleep. It is perhaps more of a tiredness or is it just the things on my mind that are keeping me up? I really do not dare to guess. I have a prized possession which I am about to give up. If I really give up, I would wish to turn my back and walk away without a glance. But Can I do it? I do not think so. There is no problem and yet there is a problem. It is something that has never occured before in the past 4 years but has surfaced recently. I was at a facebook page just now. The first thing on it was a message to another friend. How often do you write on your friend's facebook? Twice a week? For 2 to 3 months? That is pretty tiring. I wish I do not have to see this. HOw often do you call a close friend? How many times a week? I have many close friends. Chewlip, Saya, Elvin, Anna, Barry Etc. I do not message them often. I have never called them to chit chat. Never. Neither have they called me to chit chat. Maybe I am a monster. Who does not know how the mechanics of friendship work. I only care about myself. Is it really that normal to send a friend all the way from hougang to jurong every other week? After all, even if you are going out, how possibky could you have been going to Jurong all the time. My friends wouldnt even pick me up and send me to school even though we are both going to NUS. I am talking about Veron and Sara. SIghz. I do not know how bother I am about the fact that you treat him as a close friend or whether he treats you as a close friend. Since he knows I am unhappy, does he not know how to respect me and leave you alone for the time being? OR do I have to spell it out in his face? WIll that incur your wrath? I guess so. I have never done this before in the past 4 years. Unlikely that I would face another similar situation in the next 4 or 40 years. It is a peculiar and standalone issue. A particular person. I am not cutting off the ties. Just cooling off. Say not meet or contact him for a month. Or while I am away in Taiwan. I do not wish to bring myself to say it because I do not like the answer. So I shall not say it to any one else but my dear diary. SOmetimes the truth cannot be found here. Because they are covered and peppered with so many misleading statements that they are barely unrecognizable. But sometimes it is just from the bottom of my heart. Maybe it is more of your friendliness towards to a close friend that I cannot bear. I am not that petty. I know some of my female friends have close friends also. BUt they only meet up when they are really really free and that is once in a blue moon. AFter all everyone is doing different things. I wish no one will see this because I hate people gaining insight into my mind. My pathetic and deluded mind. IN fact my super long post I doubt no one other than the pandas have read it. But it was perhaps meant for her. I need to get to the bottom of this feeling I am having. But I am getting nowhere but deeper and deeper into murky waters. I am really kicking up a big fuss over a small matter. But that is what I do nowadays. Much ado about nothing. I really do not know how to continue writing this blog. Because I am as confused as how I am feeling. Anyway today I won a silver medal in the individual category and a bronze in the team event. It should have been a gold for the team but I screwed up big time. Not thinking clearly and being too complacent in both my own abilities and my friends'. I wish Barry all the best preparing for his exams because I miss him suddenly. I like him telling me that he doesn't mind other guys sending his gf to school because that takes the load off him. Doesn't mind her having other guy friends. I do not mind also. It is what she does that matters to me. and abit of what he does. There is really nothing going on and I am even willing to bet my last dollar on nothing going on between them now. But I am still bothered. Perhaps I just need him to tell her he likes her so i can have a legitimate reason to cast him away. BUt i do not have. So meanwhile I can only lose sleep over it and just be silly.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
搞笑
那一条牙膏在对我傻笑
嘲笑我永远用不掉
想睡就睡想闹就闹
好快乐少了人唠叨
蓝色的碗盘多买了一套
我忘了没人陪我通宵
要多少替代的丑角
无辜的陪笑
才会让我能真的忘了你的好
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了
还在搞笑
害怕回家不知怎麽熬
这麽多年早就习惯有你的撒娇
我想我能熬
但是至少要让我知道
你好不好
我们的小狗食量变好小
眼神里常常显得无聊
它习惯睡觉的床尾
少了一双脚
所以它常常看着门口睡不着
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了
突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了
我在搞笑却在醉后眼泪拼命飙
你的离开失去多少我计算不了
忙完了一天
突然觉得又何必辛劳
对谁炫耀
还在搞笑是否拥有麻痹的疗效
唱一夜歌却避不开催泪的曲调
我彻夜胡闹
希望听到有人会提到
你好不好
嘲笑我永远用不掉
想睡就睡想闹就闹
好快乐少了人唠叨
蓝色的碗盘多买了一套
我忘了没人陪我通宵
要多少替代的丑角
无辜的陪笑
才会让我能真的忘了你的好
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了
还在搞笑
害怕回家不知怎麽熬
这麽多年早就习惯有你的撒娇
我想我能熬
但是至少要让我知道
你好不好
我们的小狗食量变好小
眼神里常常显得无聊
它习惯睡觉的床尾
少了一双脚
所以它常常看着门口睡不着
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了
突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了
我在搞笑却在醉后眼泪拼命飙
你的离开失去多少我计算不了
忙完了一天
突然觉得又何必辛劳
对谁炫耀
还在搞笑是否拥有麻痹的疗效
唱一夜歌却避不开催泪的曲调
我彻夜胡闹
希望听到有人会提到
你好不好
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Just being emotional!
Hohoho Tang Xin Feng Bao is such a fabulous show. The relationships there are so complex but the characters can make everything seem so hilarious.
Sometimes I wonder about my relationship. Is there anytime that I am made to feel more important than her friends? If she had to choose between me and her friends.. say just for a dinner or a date.. she would naturally choose me.. but she would feel abit unhappy having to choose. I would not hesitate. There are things she would not want to do. But I do. Maybe it is all about sacrificing! I am lonely now. Because there is no one to talk to on a friday night. She tells me I have to be independant. I have been independant for all my life. I learnt how to walk the forlorn night, how to enjoy my own company. I do not need anyone to tell me how to enjoy myself. Ever so, it is possible to feel both sad and satisfied at the same time. Because missing you is something that will always be on my mind. Maybe this is not something I can withstand for very long. The love is true. But having to make me feel second class is something I should not be feeling. Yah it could be my problem that I am feeling it now. It could be hers. But if there is a problem then it is still a problem.
I can give up the love of my life, even it means hurt for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is because I do not know how much it hurts to lose someone. I only know missing is painful also. And with my missing I am driving her further and further away. All for nothing. No wonder loving someone can be painful.
Sometimes I wonder about my relationship. Is there anytime that I am made to feel more important than her friends? If she had to choose between me and her friends.. say just for a dinner or a date.. she would naturally choose me.. but she would feel abit unhappy having to choose. I would not hesitate. There are things she would not want to do. But I do. Maybe it is all about sacrificing! I am lonely now. Because there is no one to talk to on a friday night. She tells me I have to be independant. I have been independant for all my life. I learnt how to walk the forlorn night, how to enjoy my own company. I do not need anyone to tell me how to enjoy myself. Ever so, it is possible to feel both sad and satisfied at the same time. Because missing you is something that will always be on my mind. Maybe this is not something I can withstand for very long. The love is true. But having to make me feel second class is something I should not be feeling. Yah it could be my problem that I am feeling it now. It could be hers. But if there is a problem then it is still a problem.
I can give up the love of my life, even it means hurt for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is because I do not know how much it hurts to lose someone. I only know missing is painful also. And with my missing I am driving her further and further away. All for nothing. No wonder loving someone can be painful.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
Troubled
How I wish I have the answers. Yet The answers may not be what I like.
SO I went to sleep just now. Flipped in the bed and got up after the darkness induced me to keep thinking. So in fact I did not sleep. What I did was switch off the comp and the lights and then lying in bed for a good 3 minutes before I felt my heart working up again.
It is not a good moment or good week to be thinking about getting answers to my questions. Painful questions. Both of us are busy. Next week perhaps. Or at least this week end.
Last month. So let us start with the email. She emailed him before she emailed me. The same email. She ended his with Love, fluffy. The soft toy I bought for her or rather paid for her while she was out with him and Weiying. She ended mine with Love, weiteng, xiaoxiong and fluffy. Xiaoxiong is another soft toy I bought for her.So, is she masquerading her liking for him behind fluffy's name? DOes the order she sent the same email to matters?
Fridays. I would always ask her if she needs me to pick her up from school on fridays. I wonder two fridays ago when she had to stay back for project with friends and declined my invitation. She stayed out till 2.30am until a guy friend sent her back. Did she rejected my invitation for his? I called her and heard a guy's voice. The phone was hung and I was told that the phone was not working. True the phone has not been working well quite often. But Was it deliberate? Has she ever declined my invitation just to go out with him?
She has not been calling me these few weeks or since last month. DOes she call him when she has good news or bad news? When she needed someone to talk to, someone to share her day with, who does she want to call. WHen I checked her phone, there were 20 over calls from him. From his army camp. Most of them are over 1 to 2 hours. and in the wee hours of the day. When we talk on the phone, we do not talk that long. There was even a 4 hour chat. Usually she would want to sleep by 2am or so.
She said she wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would be jealous. She had lied to me for 2 months. Then recently she wanted to stop contacting him or talking on the phone with him because she know I will be unhappy. That is what she told me when I found out and asked her why she lied. She had saved his name as Sheryl on her phone for fear I would see. AM I really that horribly jealous?
There were days when she would go back to her NTU hostel with him coz he stays near her and drives. They have watched a movie together. God,, they have even collected a few prizes which I won for her together. They enjoy supper together and mahjong together. Yah I know she has been trying to tell me of his existence and trying to get me to meet her friends in hope that I will accept him. But that is no longer the main issue here. She told me she will never like him.. or is that what she said? or issit she will always like me? but also like him at the same time?
And of course, he used to like her way back in secondary school. She rejected him. She has always treated him as a good friend and nothing more.
Of course I told her I would accept their friendship. However it is just impossible for me to accept that she cares about him more than me. Somemore I have known her for 4 years plus and we have been really close all the time. She just kinda rekindled their friendship before christmas and they seem to be really close , maybe even soul mates in that period of time.
So am I being selfish if i cling on to her? Why not let her have a go with him and see if she would develop a stronger relationship with him than with me. ROmantically. I have suggested that to her and perhaps we should just do it. Get her to declare herself available to all guys and see if he chases her. I think he still likes her. WHy?
During Vday, I was kinda stuck in my gran's wake. Not that I hated it because it is my responsibility as her grandson to be there for her during her last trip. SO he jestingly offered her to join him on vday if she doesnt get a date from me. Yes just joking you know. I know too well about just jokings. So if I had not made time for her on Vday, would she really have gone out with him if he actually asked?I asked her that but she insisted that he is just joking. SO no answer though I suspected that she would have probably gone out with him if I werent free that day. I need an answer to that. A truthful answer. SO if the answer is yes. What does it mean?
Would u settle for someone who loves u 99%? or maybe 80 % in my case. I know she is true to me but what she has done during these few months, does it constitute an emotional betrayal? She said she never considered him romantically at all. She treats him like a sister. Like her best friend Candy. Is she lying to herself?
Well, she said with tears on sat that she would give him up for me. She would give up her best friend candy for me and she would give up her life to save mine if possible. I had asked her to choose between me and him.
She told me she is very sure she will not have feelings for him and will stay true to me. She says it is because of my inherent distrust and preconceived perception that all guys cannot be trusted and that I only trust myself and not others that I am making such a big fuss out of this. She gets angry and frustrated when i forbade her to be friends with him, saying that why cannot she have good friends? That is a valid point/
So if one day I am busy which might be so often. And we quarrel. Will she turn to him? Will I be rational enough not to suggest we break up because she has done that? So should I just let her go before the hurt become irreparrable?
Of course after so many years of knowing her, this is the first time I have noticed her getting close to a guy. That 4 hours of chatting cannot just all be about me can it? ALl the things done in the last two months between him and her just seem like that intense feeling of love when you first meet someone you like.
Perhaps it is her fear of me being sad that she does not want to try my suggestion? That she declares herself single and let him woo her. WHat should really be the correct way forward now?
Maybe because I am there, thats why they never develop any further? Is it possible that her explanation of treating him like a sister is true? As in true for her and for me. Or is it just a way to cover up the excitement of falling in love. Refusing to acknowledge it because to do so would means being unfaithful to me?
First, for her to declare herself available. He would have to come out and say he likes her if he really does. And I am willing to bet my camera that he does. Am I being silly by allowing such a thing to happen when clearly now I have all the advantages? I think I need to do it because I hate the fact that she thinks of him more than me in a day sometimes. or most of the time. Is that really acceptable? She will take his calls, off my calls when he is around? or is it not true? I need answers to that also.
I need her to inspect her own feelings. And decide that whether she did develop any fondness for him. IS it love? I think it is possible to like and love two persons at the same time. So should I begrudge her for doing so ? So next, should I allow her to continue being friends with him? I really have no wish to do that. It puts me in a very negative light especially with her friends who know about it. Hell the whole world will think I am a jealous bastard.
Lets have two scenarios: first is she really likes to talk to him and shares with him her stuff and msges him and go out with him more than me for the last two months.
In that case, is it fair for me to demand she stop seeing him? Of course I can try to make her happier, make life more exciting for both of us. But the hurt of knowing that she has strayed emotionally will be great. Isnt it damn ironical that I am trying to Replace him? This is the scenario I would hate to face most but I think that might be the case.
Now if she declares herself single... say I ask her to .. just so I can trick him to come out and say he likes her. Of course if he does not like her then all is good. If he does, should I forbide them going out together?
Second scenario: she just occasionally talks to him and went out with him once or twice. She thinks about me more and feels more excited being with me. Then of course I would not even bother to ask her to stay away.
her friends and aunt seem to think I am exerting too much influence on her. She should have the freedom to make friends. But now it may not be that simple anymore. After all, alot of things suggests that this is a deep friendship.. but a friendship that can supercede a relationship.. does that happen? maybe if it does than I will be able to accept it. But i just dont wish to be thought of less frequently than him.
How I wish Aunt Agony or AUnty Barry would help with this dilemma. Uncle Colin and XUeting jiejie may also be good advisors since they have plenty of experience with relationships. I need a paragraph by paragraph analysis... hahaha coz these are the questions bothering me.
SO I went to sleep just now. Flipped in the bed and got up after the darkness induced me to keep thinking. So in fact I did not sleep. What I did was switch off the comp and the lights and then lying in bed for a good 3 minutes before I felt my heart working up again.
It is not a good moment or good week to be thinking about getting answers to my questions. Painful questions. Both of us are busy. Next week perhaps. Or at least this week end.
Last month. So let us start with the email. She emailed him before she emailed me. The same email. She ended his with Love, fluffy. The soft toy I bought for her or rather paid for her while she was out with him and Weiying. She ended mine with Love, weiteng, xiaoxiong and fluffy. Xiaoxiong is another soft toy I bought for her.So, is she masquerading her liking for him behind fluffy's name? DOes the order she sent the same email to matters?
Fridays. I would always ask her if she needs me to pick her up from school on fridays. I wonder two fridays ago when she had to stay back for project with friends and declined my invitation. She stayed out till 2.30am until a guy friend sent her back. Did she rejected my invitation for his? I called her and heard a guy's voice. The phone was hung and I was told that the phone was not working. True the phone has not been working well quite often. But Was it deliberate? Has she ever declined my invitation just to go out with him?
She has not been calling me these few weeks or since last month. DOes she call him when she has good news or bad news? When she needed someone to talk to, someone to share her day with, who does she want to call. WHen I checked her phone, there were 20 over calls from him. From his army camp. Most of them are over 1 to 2 hours. and in the wee hours of the day. When we talk on the phone, we do not talk that long. There was even a 4 hour chat. Usually she would want to sleep by 2am or so.
She said she wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would be jealous. She had lied to me for 2 months. Then recently she wanted to stop contacting him or talking on the phone with him because she know I will be unhappy. That is what she told me when I found out and asked her why she lied. She had saved his name as Sheryl on her phone for fear I would see. AM I really that horribly jealous?
There were days when she would go back to her NTU hostel with him coz he stays near her and drives. They have watched a movie together. God,, they have even collected a few prizes which I won for her together. They enjoy supper together and mahjong together. Yah I know she has been trying to tell me of his existence and trying to get me to meet her friends in hope that I will accept him. But that is no longer the main issue here. She told me she will never like him.. or is that what she said? or issit she will always like me? but also like him at the same time?
And of course, he used to like her way back in secondary school. She rejected him. She has always treated him as a good friend and nothing more.
Of course I told her I would accept their friendship. However it is just impossible for me to accept that she cares about him more than me. Somemore I have known her for 4 years plus and we have been really close all the time. She just kinda rekindled their friendship before christmas and they seem to be really close , maybe even soul mates in that period of time.
So am I being selfish if i cling on to her? Why not let her have a go with him and see if she would develop a stronger relationship with him than with me. ROmantically. I have suggested that to her and perhaps we should just do it. Get her to declare herself available to all guys and see if he chases her. I think he still likes her. WHy?
During Vday, I was kinda stuck in my gran's wake. Not that I hated it because it is my responsibility as her grandson to be there for her during her last trip. SO he jestingly offered her to join him on vday if she doesnt get a date from me. Yes just joking you know. I know too well about just jokings. So if I had not made time for her on Vday, would she really have gone out with him if he actually asked?I asked her that but she insisted that he is just joking. SO no answer though I suspected that she would have probably gone out with him if I werent free that day. I need an answer to that. A truthful answer. SO if the answer is yes. What does it mean?
Would u settle for someone who loves u 99%? or maybe 80 % in my case. I know she is true to me but what she has done during these few months, does it constitute an emotional betrayal? She said she never considered him romantically at all. She treats him like a sister. Like her best friend Candy. Is she lying to herself?
Well, she said with tears on sat that she would give him up for me. She would give up her best friend candy for me and she would give up her life to save mine if possible. I had asked her to choose between me and him.
She told me she is very sure she will not have feelings for him and will stay true to me. She says it is because of my inherent distrust and preconceived perception that all guys cannot be trusted and that I only trust myself and not others that I am making such a big fuss out of this. She gets angry and frustrated when i forbade her to be friends with him, saying that why cannot she have good friends? That is a valid point/
So if one day I am busy which might be so often. And we quarrel. Will she turn to him? Will I be rational enough not to suggest we break up because she has done that? So should I just let her go before the hurt become irreparrable?
Of course after so many years of knowing her, this is the first time I have noticed her getting close to a guy. That 4 hours of chatting cannot just all be about me can it? ALl the things done in the last two months between him and her just seem like that intense feeling of love when you first meet someone you like.
Perhaps it is her fear of me being sad that she does not want to try my suggestion? That she declares herself single and let him woo her. WHat should really be the correct way forward now?
Maybe because I am there, thats why they never develop any further? Is it possible that her explanation of treating him like a sister is true? As in true for her and for me. Or is it just a way to cover up the excitement of falling in love. Refusing to acknowledge it because to do so would means being unfaithful to me?
First, for her to declare herself available. He would have to come out and say he likes her if he really does. And I am willing to bet my camera that he does. Am I being silly by allowing such a thing to happen when clearly now I have all the advantages? I think I need to do it because I hate the fact that she thinks of him more than me in a day sometimes. or most of the time. Is that really acceptable? She will take his calls, off my calls when he is around? or is it not true? I need answers to that also.
I need her to inspect her own feelings. And decide that whether she did develop any fondness for him. IS it love? I think it is possible to like and love two persons at the same time. So should I begrudge her for doing so ? So next, should I allow her to continue being friends with him? I really have no wish to do that. It puts me in a very negative light especially with her friends who know about it. Hell the whole world will think I am a jealous bastard.
Lets have two scenarios: first is she really likes to talk to him and shares with him her stuff and msges him and go out with him more than me for the last two months.
In that case, is it fair for me to demand she stop seeing him? Of course I can try to make her happier, make life more exciting for both of us. But the hurt of knowing that she has strayed emotionally will be great. Isnt it damn ironical that I am trying to Replace him? This is the scenario I would hate to face most but I think that might be the case.
Now if she declares herself single... say I ask her to .. just so I can trick him to come out and say he likes her. Of course if he does not like her then all is good. If he does, should I forbide them going out together?
Second scenario: she just occasionally talks to him and went out with him once or twice. She thinks about me more and feels more excited being with me. Then of course I would not even bother to ask her to stay away.
her friends and aunt seem to think I am exerting too much influence on her. She should have the freedom to make friends. But now it may not be that simple anymore. After all, alot of things suggests that this is a deep friendship.. but a friendship that can supercede a relationship.. does that happen? maybe if it does than I will be able to accept it. But i just dont wish to be thought of less frequently than him.
How I wish Aunt Agony or AUnty Barry would help with this dilemma. Uncle Colin and XUeting jiejie may also be good advisors since they have plenty of experience with relationships. I need a paragraph by paragraph analysis... hahaha coz these are the questions bothering me.
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