Breakfast

Got up real early today. Say 7am. Went to Khatib and bought breakfast. Every where everything is undergoing renovation. So plenty of shops are closed. The barricades may be an eye sore but I guess the end product will be beautiful. Guess I am grateful for such a lovely morning. Such freedom, such freedom.

Gear Up ! Destination Life !

Finally the hols are coming. I never did properly enjoy myself in 2 years already. Well, I am always thinking that way . I think I am such a lazy bug that every thing seems a chore to me. Anyway , my students are finally going to see the end of their exams. No more sitting down with them and explaining to them how electrons and protons work. How attraction and repulsion reign in this world. I am so damn sick of all of it!

Yah ! finally . The season of magic as i always like to call it. The season of love. and snow and christmas. My christmases in the past were plenty of melodrama, plenty of high hopes and finally dashed ones. But still I enjoy that magical feeling in the air. That feeling and anticipation of something wonderful is going to happen to you.

Once I had bought a cantonese album of Emil Chau near christmas . I had spotted it at around 8pm on a saturday night. Without any money with me to buy the cd, i rushed home and begged for 30 bucks from my parents and left with a cd player. That was how much I was mesmerized by this charismatic singer in my younger days. Happy that the stall was still open, i bought the cd and started on my journey home a happy man.

One of the songs is called Yue Man ( full moon). Still makes my heart go soft and warm everytime i listen or hum it. Shi ni zai yi , huo pa wo ye jie yi , dui wo shuo qi mo xie gu shi. Chi qing de kan ni , ran wo lian chu ban shuo mo ming qi miao de shi. I look at you, entranced, and started reciting half a queer and clueless poem....

OK I shall set out the things I wanna do in this season. The final month of the year . How shall I make it yet another unforgettable time in my life. I shall get more active. If i want to be a worm, at least let me be the hercules and michael owen of the worms!
I wanna DO Seasportssssssssss canoeing or kayaking!! Still remember fondly the times I had this FLORA .. this girl who has quite close association with mr gravity! on my kayak and I rowed her for 3 days and nights , singing and chirping all the way! SO I guess maybe i can even organise a canoeing expedition to some nearby islands and camp there. enjoy the nature sea and SUn!

Then I shall of coz try those alternate sports, maybe abseilling or wakeboarding. Or trekking. Cycling to malaysia ... Squash .. SOmething i have not experienced before! I shall capture all these moments on camera! I shall record down perious moments of my life. SUch vibrancy and passion!

Then return to Judo ! I need this ! I am addicted to judo . I shall train hard and hard. I shall practise new techniques, try new combinations and sharpen my skills. I shall begin my quest for the first again. This time there is no giving up and only the gold medal is my final stop. Been reading some comics , realised that I enjoy stories about competition and always the lead is some seemingly ordinary bloke with enormous hidden talent and slowly uncovering them in times of crisis. SO shall I .

Then there is the things I want to buy and the places I want to go to.
I want to buy a ROSE for christmas I want to get a soft toy of a **** . And I shall give it to someone I like. I want to get a belt. A cloth belt that can hang off my waist. I want to geta new pair of shoes. Mine is getting all worn out and tattered.

I shall go around savouring good food! I have already a few pacts in place to go makaning with soem of my good friends. Guess that Will be real exciting. Only takashima , being there today gave me the thrills! This fantastic japanese rice ball stick... coated with caramel like sauce that is salty and yet more sweet than salty when you think about it. There is always the mango julius that i like so much. The icecreams at orchard. and so much more.

I shall try my hand at some job that does not require much brains for this vacation. Maybe a steward or bouncer???? ahhaah interesting thought. ok i shall end here. nights

Gear Up ! Destination Life !

Another Saturday

I love mondays. I love getting myself busied with people around me. I need the attention. A new monday, a new week. 7 days of excitement and mystery to look forward to. But it is not monday now. Today is saturday. A day where everyone is supposed to relax. Supposed to take it easy. Catch a movie or go on a shopping spree. However I always feel unusually lonely on saturdays. I never really feel like asking my friends out on saturday. At least not well in advance. It is only when the loneliness get to me, then I start msging people for outings.

Now, today is another saturday. And I do not know what to do with my saturdays. Perhaps I never really can spend my saturdays meaningfully. I always try to spend my time meaningfully. Oh how uptight am I! I need to learn to relax. Yet I do relax alot. I get things done fast, books finished ahead of schedule. Tests and exams well revised for or even without revision, I am well well prepared or I simply dont give a damn.

It used to be Judo trainings in the morning. Despite the tiring trainings, I still have the energy to make my walk down to orchard, Perhaps just tired enough not to notice the accusing stares of those around me. Those who were inflicted with a whiff of my macho fragrance, vestige of the few hours of gruelling workout.

Used to have a time where I can loudly boast that I watched every movie found in the cinemas. Now, I seem to be a far cry from my glorious past. Maybe everyone feels somewhat lost sometimes. Especially when you are growing up. and boy do I ever seem like i am always growing up. Yah I am still much of a boy. Just slightly aged and jaded. But the naivety is still present, the boyish looks still dont fail me. And of course my jubilant antics and sheepish smiles will put most people around me at a lost for words.

I am glad that I have time to record down my feelings. Soon I am going to delete all my blogs. To wipe away any records of emotions. NO idea why I want to do that . Just a thought. A thought which seems probable and then quite attractive. After all, I am just trying to talk to a computer screen while exercising my fingers. Short of fellow humans to talk to, i can only turn to the inanimate. Or at least the computer is better than an inanimate. It is full of animation, just lacking in well.. cognition maybe.

Really I must get more active already. I hate being a couch potata. Forever confined to the space in front of my computer. I need more sun and more nature. Just feel that breeze across my face and sweat trickling down my spine. I have been playing indoor sports most of my life. Not that I am photophobic, but just happened that I am attracted by Judo and bowling. Both of which seems impossible to carry out under the fiery star.

Perhaps i shall take up solo canoeing. I wonder if canoe is a solo sport. Seems like it is . I cant swim for nuts. Definition as moving in waters. Not fast. I am the equivalent of a turtle on land. Maybe even the turtle can put me to shame. BUt float I can. I can always keep a cool head in a crisis. At least appear cool outwardly. Not appear cowardly. So without a life vest, sunken in the middle of the ocean, i can just get my feet to straighten and get parallel with the surface of the waters.

Being solo, being alone has its advantages. Judging from my blogs, maybe one can infer that conversation with me can be quite interesting. Hence I am not wasting any minute of it. I am constantly conversing with myself. Definitely not signs of schizophrenia. I am perfectly in control and I dont speak froma second person's perspective. I just try to think from one. Now I am getting every one confused. So let me get back to going it alone.

Starting from Dec perhaps. I shall be free from alot of my responsibilities. the exams well behind me. My students most of which are dying to just cast away the horrors of books, exams and school. So I can expect my self to be freed up immensely. I shall continue training for Judo. Hope to find a form that was long gone. The champion that was once me. Either the champion is dead, or probably just in slumber. I shall wager on the second.

Psyched up

Another Week. Hmm think i kinda miss her. The weeks just pass. Like those clouds on movies, where they seem to fly through the sky at high speed. Not forgetting the humans at traffic light. I have this terrible urge to get super fit. I need to play Judo. I need to do weights, to run alot. And I must try a water sport. My only contact was with a kayak. Though brief, but i bore the load of two person , 3 days and night. This nice encouraging girl.. who is abit more on the healthy side.. is all that there is.. encouraging.. but how far can encouragement take u when you are not using the paddles? I heaved and puffed. Along the way I also sang. Sang and sang. So the tiredness crept away. So maybe I can get back to my kayak or canoe. Cant tell the diff anyway. ok Come next Dec. I shall be Mr Super FIt !

Why am I here?

Oh is that life? I was with my Dad when he met an old friend. The old friend couldnt recognise my dad. Presumably of his greying crown and shrunken physique. They had become friends half a century ago. Those good old days. I could sense the longing in their eyes and from their words. The longing for the good old times. The longing for youth, for hope and for surprises. When you have 50 years ahead, you could just treat the next day as a surprise. Each fall as an experience. Each success as a step closer to the summit that seems always shrouded in the clouds. And I began to wonder . I wonder where would I be. 50 more years. Would that day come just like tomorrow would come? Will I realise it just like every morning when my alarm rings and I know another day has began. The night has passed, passed without my knowing. The next day is SIMPLY here. No, I mean today is simply here. So will I feel the same way when 50 years have gone, I just look back and quietly acknowledge the irreversibly? Will the music that I enjoy today, the same music that accompanies me as I pass each day, the music that triggers memories of the days tagged with it, will the music sound the same? Will I be cluttered with so much music that none would have any meaning? I guess not. I am sure unforgettable days or moments just keep building up. Just get stored in my head. and i am falling asleep

dear God! if I cannot be happy, at least let those whom I care for be!

Ever felt isolated from the world? That there is no one in the vicinity? Not in the next 100km radius? You cant see everyone, yet you can feel people trampling on you. Every turn and every corner just seems to bring about unpleasantness? And that is how I feel. I suddenly wish I could hate everyone and wish I will just pass my unhappiness and anger on. Then I realised that I cannot. Instead I wish no one feels as sucky as me. I think crying is such a wonderful thing. Then I sent out this gooey mushy sms. to some people. In the end got plenty of criticism. Ha! Just when I was trying to be nice. Thot it might just cheer up some people. At least People like KT replied decently. hah Ruddy actually said I was being gay. Shall kick his ass the next time I see him. Back to my self-wallowing state, I may have achieved alot , yet I often wonder about the meaning of life. What good is academic and sports acheivement? What is the point of being so good at eeverything and being totally in charge of your life? Being so totally in control of yourself. I just wonder. Here I am, at 21 whining like a 16 year old girl with a pink blog and plenty of pictures of herself and gang. One who bitch about how lonely she is, how the taxi driver tries to chat her up and other trivial and seemly unimportant matters of life. Not that I know any one like that. But that is the general impression. The only 16 year old I know is pretty much in hot soup. With the O levels approaching, I hope he gets his (a^2 - b^2) = (a+b)(a-b) right pretty soon. Yesterday I went for Irwin's bday party. One of my oldest friend. One who really went through a part of life with me, a part I never will forget. Then he said something which struck me as very true." To my friends who have been through shit. " How true. Having the best of times not neccessary translate to forming a strong friendship. But when you go through shit together, the bonds formed are irreversible.

Sore eyes.. from peeping?

Ouch ! my R lacrimeal gland is inflammed. pain! now i can barely close my R eye. It feels like someone tapped an egg onto my face. how can i face the world tomolo? got to go down and collect irwin 's bday Cd.. a specially ordered album with the singer's autograph. then to his bday party at night. without jez, i certainly hope meikhay and ken are going. Well... i guess irwin should have plenty of female friends. Oh what a night it will be. *crackles* besides my eye.. i am shedding skin. my over tanned skin is peeling off. leaving me like a over sized python. anyway .. no matter what i am an oversized creature. so what should i tell my diary blog tonight? that i am ultra forgetful today? that i managed to ensure everything that can go wrong went wrong? i guess it began last night when i wanted to grab a packet of claypot rice for my dinner. my dinner at 10pm. always the late eater. becoming more and more like sayanee's family. then it was sold out.. what the! ouch. my poor stomach got to stomach down this disappointment. I had wanted to return to ajc for open house tomolo . but miss veron doesnt sound too enthusiatic. haha i had wanted to pay mr ong.. my bio teacher.. the guy who always laugh conspiratorily at some perverted joke, a visit.. but i guess that have to wait. in the midst of this blog.... my comp flashed a zillion times error messages asking me to shut down IE...i guess my only option is compliance. hence i shall head for my cotton haven! and may I dream of the person whom I most adore! Q****! ops! almost let the **c* out of the bag!

Conversation

Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
hi!
I am just better than you. says:
hii whats up
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
still remember me?.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
nth. jus feeling bored
I am just better than you. says:
haha yah
I am just better than you. says:
i hope u feel better
I am just better than you. says:
haha exams oveR?
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
yar..
I am just better than you. says:
haha great la
I am just better than you. says:
come on .
I am just better than you. says:
why is every one feelingbored
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
no. havent get back results
I am just better than you. says:
hmm why do i feel bored also
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
still havent quite settled
I am just better than you. says:
haha settled for wot
I am just better than you. says:
hmm
I am just better than you. says:
heck care abt results la
I am just better than you. says:
can promote can liao
I am just better than you. says:
hmm how are thngs in sch
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.ya la..
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
oh the same lor. btw, this sat is aj open house
I am just better than you. says:
haha
I am just better than you. says:
so what time to what time?
I am just better than you. says:
haha am i invited
I am just better than you. says:
/
I am just better than you. says:
shld i choose aj as my first choice?
I am just better than you. says:
hahahahaha
I am just better than you. says:
darn
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
9 to 3.
I am just better than you. says:
i feel so old
I am just better than you. says:
old old old old
I am just better than you. says:
i have been thruough all these
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.. i still dunnoe if i made the right choice in cuming
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
life suxs man
I am just better than you. says:
come on!
I am just better than you. says:
the choice is still there.,
I am just better than you. says:
get life going.
I am just better than you. says:
know your friends
I am just better than you. says:
organise outings
I am just better than you. says:
take the initiative
I am just better than you. says:
celebrate bdays
I am just better than you. says:
be late for classes together
I am just better than you. says:
copy homework!
I am just better than you. says:
talk in class
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. sounds fun ar
I am just better than you. says:
that is sch for you man!
I am just better than you. says:
of coz
I am just better than you. says:
just let it loose
I am just better than you. says:
break every damn rule u can find
I am just better than you. says:
with freinds of coz
I am just better than you. says:
haha
I am just better than you. says:
and life might just start getting more exciting
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
haiz. but I'm the pessimistic type of person
I am just better than you. says:
ok ok.
I am just better than you. says:
i shall feed you with optimism ok
I am just better than you. says:
go to the hall
I am just better than you. says:
look up at the inscriptions there
I am just better than you. says:
and think of me
I am just better than you. says:
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
no use la. evrything is so bleak
Ong Guan Hong says:
what is so bad
Ong Guan Hong says:
tell me?
Ong Guan Hong says:
u need a new perspective
Ong Guan Hong says:
not a new life
Ong Guan Hong says:
new attitude!
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
jus got back my chi paper
Ong Guan Hong says:
oh
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
n i failed
Ong Guan Hong says:
chinese paper
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm come to think of it
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
oh. it's like 1st time fail chi lor
Ong Guan Hong says:
i think i shld have also.. i woke up late for my listening!!!!
Ong Guan Hong says:
Ong Guan Hong says:
i think eventually u will pass la
Ong Guan Hong says:
maybe just spend a few more minutes each day
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
who noes lo. i'm v sad lor.
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm paste stickers with chiense words and meaning all over the house k
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm
Ong Guan Hong says:
just forget abt it
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
can't concentrate on the things i wanna do
Ong Guan Hong says:
find your best friend
Ong Guan Hong says:
find the most handsome guy in your class
Ong Guan Hong says:
and ask him out
Ong Guan Hong says:
of co z
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. no handsome guy la
Ong Guan Hong says:
aj seems to be lacking
Ong Guan Hong says:
Ever since my departure
Ong Guan Hong says:
it went from the top most hunky sch to the 9th or 10th..
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha..
Ong Guan Hong says:
if u feel u are useless..
Ong Guan Hong says:
just go to the canteen
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont noe la. stimes, i really dont noe who m i
Ong Guan Hong says:
look at the sculpture of the two balls and a rod...
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
y m i on this earth
Ong Guan Hong says:
the mother and son thingy...
Ong Guan Hong says:
and tell yourself.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
where got?
Ong Guan Hong says:
the blue thing
Ong Guan Hong says:
in the garden
Ong Guan Hong says:
tell yourself..
Ong Guan Hong says:
the world is mad .. some alumni actually made the sch believe that it is an innocent sculpture
Ong Guan Hong says:
hahaha
Ong Guan Hong says:
what mother support two sons.
Ong Guan Hong says:
rubbish man.. any one with a rational mind can tell it is part of the male anatomy!
Ong Guan Hong says:
so you are not so bad after all.
Ong Guan Hong says:
being depressed is not going to help your grades.
Ong Guan Hong says:
start planning
Ong Guan Hong says:
there are plenty of people willing to help
Ong Guan Hong says:
i dont mind sinc e u are my junior
Ong Guan Hong says:
take it easy.. tell yourself you could lose more in life than this...
Ong Guan Hong says:
grades.. what matter
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i'm used to wallowing in depression since sec3
Ong Guan Hong says:
people ard u are more impt
Ong Guan Hong says:
be grateful for them@
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
grades to me seem so imp
Ong Guan Hong says:
i use to say my time in sch is meant for interacting with people
Ong Guan Hong says:
ya grades are impt
Ong Guan Hong says:
but feeling sad is not impt
Ong Guan Hong says:
u need to be motivated and focused
Ong Guan Hong says:
and clear minded to do the right thing
Ong Guan Hong says:
not just be sad
Ong Guan Hong says:
start hitting the books
Ong Guan Hong says:
one hour per dayy
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but i dont have the strength to carry on and to be focused
Ong Guan Hong says:
are u doing this when u are wallowing in self pity?
Ong Guan Hong says:
strength comes from within!
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i can't get over it.
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm at least it is not physical strength
Ong Guan Hong says:
i can understand if u cannot drag a plan
Ong Guan Hong says:
plane
Ong Guan Hong says:
but if u cant even tell yourself to face your failures properly
Ong Guan Hong says:
whats more can be done
Ong Guan Hong says:
u just think abt this !
Ong Guan Hong says:
rem what edison said?
Ong Guan Hong says:
he did not fail a hundred times before inventing the light bulb
Ong Guan Hong says:
he merely took a hundred steps
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but I'm like him. I'm vulnerable
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i tend to give up or struggle
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i feel v tired..
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm so nothing can be done wot
Ong Guan Hong says:
hhaha a tired spirit
Ong Guan Hong says:
ok
Ong Guan Hong says:
then just take a break
Ong Guan Hong says:
relax
Ong Guan Hong says:
go swimming.. go east coast
Ong Guan Hong says:
go east coast
Ong Guan Hong says:
my fav haunt
Ong Guan Hong says:
i go there to recharge
Ong Guan Hong says:
of coz .. u may also humor yourself
Ong Guan Hong says:
dash across the cyclist path when u see an amatuer skater
Ong Guan Hong says:
then offer to hold the person's hand
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
tat day i went to wild wild wet to de-stress
Ong Guan Hong says:
i gaurantee u the poor chap sure have a hell of a fall
Ong Guan Hong says:
thats good
Ong Guan Hong says:
d:
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but aft tat i feel v empty inside
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
alhtough i feel happy temarily
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha
Ong Guan Hong says:
i feel empty all the time
Ong Guan Hong says:
i have been devoting my self to work
Ong Guan Hong says:
but maybe sometimes u need to noe that feeling down
Ong Guan Hong says:
sad
Ong Guan Hong says:
disappointed
Ong Guan Hong says:
is also a good thing
Ong Guan Hong says:
coz after all they are feelings
Ong Guan Hong says:
they are emotions
Ong Guan Hong says:
signs of being alife.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but it's unhealthy
Ong Guan Hong says:
just feel them thoroughly
Ong Guan Hong says:
tell yourself
Ong Guan Hong says:
u like the feeling
Ong Guan Hong says:
the stinking feeling that someone is ignoring u
Ong Guan Hong says:
that you do not have many people to go out wiht
Ong Guan Hong says:
ahhaha
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont like to be alone
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i feel even more empty
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i need people ard me.
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm let your friends
Ong Guan Hong says:
be with you
Ong Guan Hong says:
just ask them out
Ong Guan Hong says:
for me
Ong Guan Hong says:
i noe my freinds are around
Ong Guan Hong says:
i have got more impt things to do than go out with them
Ong Guan Hong says:
though i try sometimes
Ong Guan Hong says:
but it sort of get into a habit
Ong Guan Hong says:
now i can go out on my own
Ong Guan Hong says:
feel all melancholy
Ong Guan Hong says:
and walk the streets, enjoy the world
Ong Guan Hong says:
ok just tell me all your fears
Ong Guan Hong says:
there is no right or wrong
Ong Guan Hong says:
u are entitled to your feelings
Ong Guan Hong says:
at the end of the day, try asking yourself what do u want and do you really want it badly enough to keep on trying?
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
the prob is tat i dont noe wat i really want
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm then experiment
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
sth really wrg wif me
Ong Guan Hong says:
or just go blindly and be happy with yourr choice haha
Ong Guan Hong says:
i tell u frankkly
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont understand myself
Ong Guan Hong says:
there is hardly an aspect of working life that is enjoyable
Ong Guan Hong says:
u get stuck to this 8 to 5 job
Ong Guan Hong says:
sometimes OT
Ong Guan Hong says:
no oneapppreciates u
Ong Guan Hong says:
u fall in to this cycle
Ong Guan Hong says:
get married
Ong Guan Hong says:
give burdened by kids
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
u noe wat?
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha what
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
sttimes i really want to get married
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
and jus dont think abt other things
Ong Guan Hong says:
dont tell me u just slit your wrist? i have enough of that for a year at least
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm
Ong Guan Hong says:
that is cool also
Ong Guan Hong says:
i also want to get married
Ong Guan Hong says:
to the girl i like
Ong Guan Hong says:
to cherish her to protect her
Ong Guan Hong says:

Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
take care of my kids and like a tai tai life
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha take her on all wonderful adventures
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont want to study or to work
Ong Guan Hong says:
every outing will be a surprise and novelty
Ong Guan Hong says:
hahaha
Ong Guan Hong says:
okok
Ong Guan Hong says:
just pretend to study for the time being ok?
Ong Guan Hong says:
do well enough to go uni
Ong Guan Hong says:
there
Ong Guan Hong says:
u can have your pick
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but then aft i go uni, then end up marrying
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
wat's the use of studying so hard
Ong Guan Hong says:
at least the guy u like would have enough financial stability
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm coz University is a BIG social Playground!!!!
Ong Guan Hong says:
u go there
Ong Guan Hong says:
screw around.. attract guys like flies....
Ong Guan Hong says:
at least the guy u choose would have a higher chance of being gainfully employed
Ong Guan Hong says:
ahhaa
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.. i'm looking fwd to uni life . heez. cos can see all the mature n handsome guys
Ong Guan Hong says:
NUS is the ultimate incubator!!
Ong Guan Hong says:
sure
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.* dreaming``
Ong Guan Hong says:
just stuyd hard for that cause ok?
Ong Guan Hong says:
it is worth it
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha u need the education
Ong Guan Hong says:
so u can be cunning enough
Ong Guan Hong says:
to trop the guy u like
Ong Guan Hong says:
and of coz
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. ya. i didnt think of getting into uni to find guys
Ong Guan Hong says:
guys are easily fool
Ong Guan Hong says:
now u noe better right?
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ya.
Ong Guan Hong says:
k i need to go and make a birthday present for someone
Ong Guan Hong says:
u enjoy yourself.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
kk.
Ong Guan Hong says:
study hard..
Ong Guan Hong says:
work out
Ong Guan Hong says:
get a sueve figure
Ong Guan Hong says:
killer looks
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
10x for chatting wif me
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
night!
Ong Guan Hong says:
and go in for the kill in UNI
Ong Guan Hong says:
hahaha
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. still got one more yr
Ong Guan Hong says:
remember .. guys are there for you to fleece
Ong Guan Hong says:
yah
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
so long!
Ong Guan Hong says:
free frag
Ong Guan Hong says:
okok night nights
Ong Guan Hong says:
tok to u more another day
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
haha. k la. night.

It is a sunny night

Cheers! What can be so sad about life? Nothing except the loss of life can bring my mood down. As long as there is life there is hope! I used to enjoy the smell of the morning, the sounds brought alive by the dawn. I appreciate being alive and having freedom. I never use to think that being part of anything is a shackle. Because there is still freedom, freedom to work as you wish.. as long as you meet the deadline! Life is often full of compromises. even the sweet smelling roses have thorns. It is true also that people who matter to me get me down sometimes. Actually I do not have much luck with people. I wonder why. I have plenty of good friends.. yet the one special has not come along yet. But fear not. Tomorrow is a fresh new beginning. Let me sing all the songs I want tonight. Tomorrow, the new rays will bring along another set of songs, of brightness and hope! I was pretty engrossed with two book sby Jessica Adams. And blizmy! I am actually reading those feminine relationships novels. I must admit with all due respect the perspectives offered are close to reality. Guy like girl. Girl like guy. Guy slow. Girl loses interest, guy regrets. Or Guy like girl. Girl dont like guy. Guy try. Guy fails. try again. ouch! wall... try try try.. someone else meant for him comes along and Bingo! they are together. I must start practising how to write in a self deprecating manner and satirical style. Perhaps If i fail my med sch,, at least I can lead a secluded life writing romance stories, feeding the lonely souls on this planet!

Disappointment?

toidi! how familiar ... this so famous italian phrase I picked up in JC. I was waiting for a promise. 24 hours. Did not happen. So i guess I just have to let it go at that.

Doctor

Good evening. Tired. I am getting addicted to you. Am I lacking someone to talk to? Perhaps. Just a transitory phase. People come and go. Just happened that many people are out of my life now. Had a nice chat with two doctors today. One of them a gynae from KK. I wonder if he is married. At 36, he got his specialty, lectures at NUS and life seems good. How about his wedding ring? To ask him directly would be too rude. Another opthalmologist I know also has a pair of naked hands. And what will I be? 12 more years after med sch before I become a neuro surgeon? Will I even get to be one? Such an ardous journey, I might even opt for some other easy way out. Or I might not even perform well enough to specialise. Alas all these are dreams. And If there is anything certain, I do not fall short of even the most aloof dreams. Why had I wanted to become a doctor? I guess ability wise, my intellect and dexterity would place me in good stead. Secondly, I have this passion. Although I have not been in a hospital prior to my interview, I just have vivid images of myself as a doctor. It would be true to say that I would gain immense satisfaction from treating the ill, and that would be one factor that drives me on. I wouldnt mind the gratitude from those I treat and of course an admiration for my skills is always welcome. But that is not to say I enjoy treating everyone. Some without genuine illness or those ill - manner ones would always be hard for one to swallow. I was asked to cite 3 reasons. I stopped here. I guess numbers do not matter. It is the force of the reasons, not their quantity. One good reason will suffice. How about my weaknesses? I have always had a problem thinking what weaknesses I have. I just see myself as one without a major fault though with plenty of areas for improvement. So I guess tardiness and sloth would be two issues I have always grapple with. I am plain lazy, I wake up late when ever I allow myself to. That is saying a lot.. I am rather late for my appointments and only people who mean alot to me will see me being punctual. Then I am awfully untidy. I can just leave my stuff all over the house. I can just throw the papers on the floor after reading them. I might just be sloth reincarnate. Well... I need to go read my medical books already . Inspiration! Thick glasses ! Worry not as despite the overflowing knowledge, I shall not morph into a nerd, but a gentlemanly scholarly. A charming one at that! oh boy what ego!

I am staring at you. I get back a stare that is even more blank than the I provided. So I begin to experiment with some of the buttons. I tried unsuccessfully to upload pictures on this page. try. Try
Try again.
Same error message appears everytime. I hear an interesting lyrics. Your faith was strong but you needed proof. You saw her Bathing on the roof. hmmm interesting. She tied you to the kitchen chair , she took your throne she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the hallelujah! Now, today was an escape from the everyday ever so familiar routine of mine. I am making the testtubes ornaments again. Now it is for Irwin, whose birthday is just a week away. With prior experience, I am adding stuff like glitters and colored gel into the testtubes. Somehow the appearance still fall short of the clear and crystal like quality I would like to see. Went singing today. Nothing spectacular. Bought a CD today. Just as mundane and boring. Oh boy, recently i am making people who chance upon moi bloggy nauseated. Surely any one would be if they read about stuff like my daily itinery . I am commiting a cardinal sin. Forgive me who ever is out there. Back to using the same old black ink. Again I wonder how many people actually read this blog of mine. Why bother. If I had a more interesting life, I would be parading on TV and having my own reality show. Instead of being cooped up at home in front of my Computer. Trying to busy myself by doing what I am doing now. Come to think of it. Life is not that boring. Life is almost a bitch. This year, as had been with previousyears, has been filled with small and big, unpleasant and wondeful surprises. After all, how many people meet a gay, a raving guy raring to commit suicide and a fire in the same year. Speaking of fire, I had actually put it out. Regreted it. And almost was tempted to re-ignite that SOB..and take pictures with it. Of course moi rational mind.. which always take charge stop me. In the end I had pictures taken with the ashes and burnt plastics. Hope my friend pass me the pictures soon. Oh ok . I just realised what I had so much wanted to write about. What do people think of me. I have always been the guy in the limelight. If there were no limelight in the first place, I would have stolen it from another place and have myself placed in front it. A megaloegoist... perhaps at the very core of myself. In primary school, I was quite obnoxious. The whole class hated me . and I wonder why. I was after all so chubby and cute. Perhaps they were all jealous of my symbolic body mass. Starting from Pri 1, I had ACCIdentally Swung my water bottle's strap ... ok the strap was not swung accidentally. I was mimicking a cowboy and his rope. Then it had connected with the lips of this smal indian boy who happend to be my classmate or at least I thought he was. It was during recess and we were just playing. I had not noticed him. I guess some thought of me as a racist asshole and my teacher called down my mum. I had not even had the water bottle attached to the strap... oh man. How unbelievable! Another time.. or rather many times, I was late for school. Often I would wait opposite sch. Bidding my time. Till flag raising and school song are done. then make my way to class when the coast in clear. Sometimes when I decided to do the right thing by admitting to the prefects, My name was taken down. It took them six times because I was summoned to the prefect master. That chap threatened to expel me. Put it nicely, he wanted to transfer me to a school near moi house. First and only time i was scared to tears in front of strangers. Of coz looking back, it was merely an empty threat to make me come on time. I was so distraughted when i made my way to class that I did not talk to any one fo rthe rest of the day. after that, i was punctual most of the time. if i woke up late, then it would be MC automatically. Even till JC i was still waking up late pretty much most of the time. Guess I am the only one who had ot write an essay on why am i late. Boy it was an extremely hilarious essay that put the whole blame on the education system, the television cooperation of singapore and my faulty alarm clock. Somewhere I had even managed to point the fingers at my forefathers. Claiming that if research had been carried out to determine the cause of sound-arm-extension reflex syndrome, most probably fingers would be pointing at genetic inheritance. Ok let me explain. Sound travels at the speed of 330metres per second in a vaccum. In denser object, it is faster. In air it is about hte same value. An alarm clock converts chemical potential energy into kinetic energy as demostrated by the moving hands of the clock. Then if you press this oval button at the top of the clock, and push this red needle to a certain time, the alarm will make an awfully blood curling sound when the hour and needle hand coincides with the red needle. It still makes me cringe when I pass by clock shops. Our ear detects sound by the vibration air particles make on the ear drum . Then it travels through several bones and a few compartment of liquids. Finally reaching a nerve which is stimulated by the vibrations of the fluid and a nerve impulse is set off. The tone and quality of the sound is turned into rate and number of nerve firings . So our brain interprets the impulse and decides that we should wake up and set our affairs in order. Somehow we get reminded that our sleep is over and it is time to start to freshen up to prepare fo tthe long day ahead. in the even of a genetic mutation, the actions upon receiving the impulse would be totally different. in a bid to converse energy, people like me conviniently reach out our arms. At this point,, we would have developed hyper kinetic sensitivity. Without opening the eyes, our hands and arms can radiate a kind of sensory waves that communicate the location of the clock to us. And blam! our hand just tap on that oval button on top of the clock and by some spring mechanism hithero unknown to me, the oval button gets higher. and the clock 's sound died in its throat. Some people are born fat, no matter ho wthey try to cut down on their diet, increase their muscular acitvities, blubbers just accumulate in their adipose tissues. Some are born with turner's syndrome. they are frisky, dry and under grown. hardly hits puberty natually. and I just repsonse poorly to alarm clocks. I should be sympathized with. rather than discriminated and be forced to write an essay citing the reasons of my tardiness. ok . I shall stop here. Tonight took an unexpected turn. I wish that I get my wish. Just let me have one chance.. if one is not enough.. perhaps 2. If it is insufficient, perhaps just let me have my wishes at will and I shall stop disturbing whoever is dishing out all the wishes! goodnightz

Cut N Paste from 2 days ago

Just realized. Energy and vitality are not synonymous. I never seem to run out of energy. I went without food the whole day. Sat through 4 hours of tuition. Finished 2 books. And yet I find the energy to work my fingers insidiously across the keyboard. My brain is still functioning. Almost perfectly. Give me a riddle, a 2nd order differential equation, a tacky situation, and I shall provide you the opposite of what you gave me. But I don’t sense any drive in me. No urge to do anything. Even the blog that I so wanted to write, the revelations and the side splitting stories that I conjured on my bus journeys.. All became gusts of impressions, nothing distinct.. all is blurred.
I don’t feel vitality sapping out of me. It is already gone early into the night. No worries. Just a few hours of sleep and I shall be bouncing around and causing miniature earthquakes.
What do I talk about tonight? What does the world want from me? Indeed there is much I can provide. As I so firmly feel, that the universe is contained within our minds. No doubt that the world wants a slice of that vast space. I couldn’t focus on my carnitine cycle. Can’t memorize the steps of fatty acids breakdown or gluconeogenesis. I was never that skilled at committing stuff to memory. At least my short term memory doesn’t function like a sponge.
Life is full of ironies. I never taught that one day I would hold a Ci Yu Shuo Ce ( handbook of Chinese words) and instruct others how to recall from memory words from the book. I never taught I would write out the entire shapes of molecules topic, examples included from memory. My memory, like wine, gets better with age. I was never the perfect student. Almost always grouped out for not completing my work..(grouped out because a large group of us and not just one in RI would be made to stand outside of classrooms for failing to do our homework.. .. )
Heck, most of the time I did not even know about the homework. After all, as long as you kept your eyes open and escape from the harassment of an overzealous teacher, your mind is free to roam, most of the time mine was on extended vacation. How can I be a slave-driver, it is so undemocratic. I was skilled in absorbing information from the homework of others, with my bullet speed handwriting, I was able to deposit enough carbon on my worksheets or foolscap paper to make it resemble a tablespoonful of effort.
I never did any studying during the holidays until JC, which I did during the first June holidays and realized that old habits die hard. The rest I spent going to camps, on Judo, on outings and other ridiculous matters.
I can always recall with pride and fondness the silly things I did during the A’levels. Brought my mum to watch Emil Chau in action. I couldn’t have cared less if his concerts had fell on the eve of any examination. Let alone 2 weeks before. Then there was the Guru during the first week of the exams. What a wonderful movie. Its sexually therapeutic effects released any hold the haunting bio paper might have on me. Then there was the night when I fell asleep on Elvin’s bed when we were supposed to revise for physics. At least the rest of the guys woke me up when it was time to go home.
So we partied before the exam ended. At least for the rest of the class they had no Physics S. Woe befell me as I returned from Suntec as I recall with total and absolute disgust that the next day I will be sitting for my physics S. I went in the exams with my mind blank. Took half an hour or so to warm up and get into gear. Sometimes the feeling still make me recoil in fear. How hilarious. How I had wanted to score badly for my midyears in order to get motivated for my A’levels

Ah , It is Sweet!

Chocolates. I am popping plenty of chocolate buttons into my mouth. I know it makes me fat. What I know cannot be compared with what I feel. I feel fantastic as my teeth clamp down on those thick and aromatic dark spheres. Perhaps we are so limited by our own language, I cant even find a word close enough to describe the sensations on my taste buds. Chocolates are to me a symbol of love, of sharing and union. I offer chocolates to the ones I hold most dearly. I do not lightly give my friends chocolates. If I do give, it is with the most sincerity and anticipation. I had read somewhere that chocolates emulate the feelings of being in love. Identical chemical messengers are produced when you eat chocolate and when you are deeply in love. I also know that by sitting to the left side of someone, that person is more inclined to fall in love with you. Why is that so? Our heart being asymmetrical, has its apex pointing towards the left side.
I am in love and I cannot help it. My heart is residing beneath the bed of that special person. Hoping to take every possible opportunity to leap into the dreams and share a magical adventure. Alas, my heart also realise that all is futile. Even If it manages to land in her dreams, she would be too preoccupied by her own life to notice my heart's presence. So it shall just be contented to be there, pumping resiliently and assuringly for her. It will act as guardian and protector. Fending off all darkness and unhappiness. Sleep well, sleep tight.

Candles, flames and roaring babies

Let me talk about birthdays today. Let me describe those birthdays that left their candles still burning in my memory. I am doing so because this is a month of many candles. Of pleasantness and warmth. Just imagine a snowy season, a wooden cabin and a log fire. Of foxes and sparrows lingering outside. The windows are misty and you sit in your rocking chair. Waiting for a special moment. A special moment that you alone can choose how and what shall happen. So u rock to and fro, just happily concocting up sweet possibilities. I started having my birthday celebrated in JC. I remember the grass patch on which my friends stood around me and one of them holding the birthday cake, the rest chorusing to the birthday medley. It was after famine camp. Late at night, sunday night, in the middle of the hols. Sayanee, Anand, Elvin were with me for the camp. Chuantin had brought down the cake from home. They had prepared flour. AS had been the tradition among my class. Elvin was so close to dousing me with 1 kg of the flour. at least until he brought it up to his face and tearing the side closer to him. The wind couldnt have chosen a more opportune moment. The flour lapped up elvin's face hungrily. It was my 20th birthday. Next i recall in the same year. When my orientation group was still bonded by myself and edelene. MOE had not split them up yet. with all of us still in Aj. It was easy to get people out. That time Siru had her birthday. We thought it would be special for us to celebrate it. Dinner at Pizza hut. I had harmlessly said to Siru, she wouldnt dare to pour coke onto me. And she did not. Instead she splashed the coke. I was right after all. it was the first and only time in my life someone had wet me with coke intentionally. She had done it and maintained that innocent and saccharine glance. That became peripheral when we brought her out into the open to present the cake to her. After the song. After blowing out the candles. We told her to close her eyes and wish. Wish hard and remove the candles with your mouth. All wishes will come true. She did exactly. And our wishes came true. Everyone was waiting for something to happen. Just a guilty but mischievous look from Huixia tipped the scale and I held the base of the cake firmly as my other hand tried to push into the cake.. with Siru's head underneath of course. Of coz it was a fabulous moment. Photos of that chocolatey and spicy moment remain. Of coz, she came after me like a tiger. Of coz I was much faster than her to be dirtied by her. She had enough cream on her hair and face to wipe off and cover another person's face with whatever is left on her hands. I decided not to spoil her day by turning myself in. She turned me into half a chocolate cake. OK Two more birthdays this month. One of whom my very close friend, a buddy whom I grew up with. It is not presents that I want to give him. The cheap ones like mp3 players and gold chains I cant afford. But the inexpensive ones , that requires a large amount of patience, delication and friendship, I might just be up to it. I shall set a bbq for the ACES. 5 of us. Put in effort and heart to make it resounding. Then it would be edelene's bday. someone who stood by me through the noisy and throat hurting periods during our days as orientation leaders. the girl who gave me a box of ferraro rocher on my birthday. coincidentally during the famine camp. I was wise to keep the chocolates out of sight and away from any growling stomachs. So i shall hold another bbq, prepare all the food myself. Start fire, cook for them. Entertain them. let them live out the life of a king. or a queen. And just 1st of Oct was Mindy's bday, got her the duck that was so adorable to me. made her a test tube with gel and words of happy bday mindy. I enjoyed the process of creating something special for an equally deserving special occasion. So birthdays are anything but dull. You have friends who truly wish for your happiness, you feel the disappointment when you recieve so many presents but just not the one you hope that special person would give. You grow older. You add a year to your memory and another marker on the calender of your life. There was one who I wanted so much to celebrate her bday , but now she is just one whom i make an effort not to contact on her bday but wonder if the next msg that my hp conjures would come from her on mine.

Sunken Eyes, with cloudiness

Good evening my dear computer, my faithful blogging account and those net addicts who waste precious time reading my blog. The time now could qualify for morning actually. I feel like the old grandfather clock. Faithfully performing my duties, yet each motion of the Seconds needle resembles more of a laborious effort than a cruising task. Old and forgotten. Left in the corner for spiders to spin their webs and nestle up to a cosy and remote home. Perhaps my absence will be sorely noticed. As i provide the convinence of instant time telling. But my presence will not be appreciated. Because I am always there. I appear to be providing the time because that is my duty. I am synonomous with time. I am spent. let me drop the analogy. you get my point. I actually spent more than 30 hours on tuitions last week. The whole world seems to be busy. I am just jumping on their express train and let the hurried wind dress me up as another busy person. today i wonder about retribution. today i wondered about love and life. I spent so much time on buses that i amassed enough reflection time and ponder my feelings. Loneliness often appear in my company. As he would in the absence of others. we had many a good chat. With him playing the attentive listener. And I the woed patient who needs one listening ear....

Help me

This is probably not the first time I have been abducted by the aliens. I live to recount my experiences only because they allow me to. Please do not hesitate to think I am crazy. Surely that would have meant I dreamt up the whole episode. Perhaps that would purge the recurring nightmares, the nightmares that just won’t go away. The nightmares that leave me drench in sweat and breathless every time I awoke with a heart pounding with trepidation.
Yet, I know with certainty that I did not dream any of the events up. Reality grips me with a fist tighter than the noose on a hanging man. I know I cannot be schizophrenic, what I have been through are not hallucinations. Just look at the scars they left on me. Not just physical scars, not just the two diagonal snakelike celluloses across my chest, not just the bald patch with an erythematous lump at the back of my skull. The emotional scars hurt as worse.
That night was a peaceful night. At least before it happened. I had felt a tingling sensation throughout the night. The air was humid and nothing happened. Not a dog across a street or a car’s tires skidding on the road. The crickets were mum, the toads hardly croaked. Feeling unusually tired, I retired to bed early.
Then in the darkness, there was a silence so loud that it woke me up. There were no blinding light or hovering spacecraft. No scaly upright lifeforms with proton guns, 3 fingers and gigantic eyes on their necks. It was eerily silent. Still. My back took on a life of its on. Got straight up from the bed.
Then my legs began to obey the command of something beyond me. They placed themselves firmly on the ground. They raised alternatively and made for my cupboard. I screamed. My throat almost burst from the screaming. The noise woke the neighbors up. (something which I found out recently as a police notice made its way to my mailbox) No one came to knock on the door. Either they did not think I was in grave danger(nowadays teenagers do the darnest things. Screaming was not even ranked in the middle) or they thought I was going berserk and would certainly turn on them had they tried to approach me.
The cupboard doors slided open, I was standing just half a meter away. No signs of any clothes in there. Nothing I recognize. Just darkness and emptiness. I thought I saw a darkness of vortex. As suddenly as the doors slided open, I was sucked tummy first into the cupboard.
I landed on cold metal. I must have passed out. As I struggle to open my eyes, I heard voices. Not audible ones. Intelligible but definitely not audible. Not vibrations of air particles but excitation of neurons in my head. Vibrations of my middle ear. It was no way in any language possible on earth. I had known with a certain kind of conviction that no facts could thwart.
The top of my head felt wet. I could barely raise my arms and when I did, I placed them on my head and the touch revealed a gash. Bringing my hands to the front of my eyes, I saw it was wet and red. Dark red. A wave of nauseous swept past me and stopped dead in my throat. I placed my hands on the same spot again. No hair. Just soft and sqaumous. Kind of like brains. The kind your folks bring home from the market. Where was my occipital? As I touched the squishy substances, a wave of euphoria swept past me. Tremors and shakes shook across me. The euphoria turned into excitation and then into uncontrollable hysteric fits. I simply passed out.

A random thought

What is the world like without love or feelings? Cold. Empty. Humidifying. Tiring. Aching. Who gave me the answers? I did myself. Often in the past, I had wondered if it is possible to lose all my friends. The answer took the form of more than mere words. BUt that of the most despairing feelings. Recently, I had realised the transformation. I was talking more, but making less sense. I was talking too much to people who did not care. Trying to pour out all the bottled up emotions and stress. But the more I tried to let the world know, the more I realised that I am trapped. Trapped by emptiness, by isolation. I often laugh. USing laughter to mask this deep sense of destitute. I guess I am getting infinitely poor.

The King and Queen Part 1

Once upon a time, in a far far away land, there was a small kingdom. In this small small kingdom, there was a small palace. Within this palace, a King and his Queen lives, at first in conjugal bliss. As with all marriages, the small triffles start to set in once the honeymoon is over. To be fair, the King is benevolent and magnanimous. He was barely educated, having not left the kingdom at all and was profusedly spoilt by his doting parents. Despite this fact, he made a great king because he is kind and generous to his people.
The Queen is the most beautiful woman in the world. Even the most graceful swans or majestic deers bow to her in adoration. She has an equally kind heart and with brains to match her looks. She is resolute in her approach to national affairs and always has a clear stand on the most ambiguous matters. Of course, the Queen's clear vision and determined approach would mean peace and prosperity for the kingdom.
As with all fairy tales, they contain blemishes which make the original tales more enduring and appealing to the world. After all, what is sweetness without a bit of tears and sweat.
So the King has a problem. This problem which will lead to greater and more headaches that continue to plague the King over many years. He has a simplistic view of the world. Now, in modern society, a simplistic view means being taken advantage of. Kings just love to indulge in worldly things. Some crave the excitement of a hunt. The hunting hounds and the linger of blood in the air, profusing from a wound on a rabbit or an antelope created by the royal arrow. Some love the softer flesh. The scent and touch of a woman. Queens and maids number in the hundreds, all eagarly vying for the attention of the almighty King. And this king may be different in the sense that it is not sexual pleasure or thrills of might that he seeks. He has an uncontrollable urge to gamble.
Now, that would be the most unusual thing for a king to do. After all, who would dare to gamble against him? With his guards bearing razor point swords and spears, one might as well offer the King all the money one has in exchange for clemency. Clemency in the event that the king loses and the guards accuses the winner of setting everything up.

Error on page

Today : weather was hot, not too hot. Sun was not out for too long.
I slept. Despite feeling very hot. Slept because I needed the
sleep. Woke up feeling less sleepy. But somehow I felt lost. My handphone was not with me. I remained uncontactable throughout the day. I hallucinated. Thought someone important sent me a msg to see if I am fine. Was vaguely disappointed when reality checked in on me. No vibration from my pockets. Slight tremors of my thigh muscles. Reaction to the heat. To the hot weather.

Today : weather was warm. warm enough to make me sweat. I stared at the sky. Clouds. Clouds abound. My eyes locked onto the white clouds. My mind soared into them. I started to sing. Sang songs which were a few years old. These songs triggered off memories. Memories of a particular afternoon. All because of the warm weather.

Today : moist. The moisture was apparent. It clung onto the back of my shirt. It trickled down my forehead. It made me wringle in discomfort. Perhaps I had experienced similar afternoons. Afterall, in Singapore, afternoons were always these hot, aren't they. I miss certain afternoons dearly. They go back way in time. The afternoons in Ang Mo Kio. Those afternoons that I danced and jiggled. The moisture is getting to me.

Today : Amok. My thoughts ran amok. Apparently when one is left with nothing to do, locked feelings and memories resurface. I was back to 3 years ago. Another sunny afternoon. The strange thing abt memories is that you can visit a few at one shot. So I was not sure I was out of school or I was still in school. There was a kind of superimposition. I was every where at once. Similar faces were reconstructed. I saw them, those I miss alot. Not with my eyes. In my head. As I said, my thoughts ran amok.

Today : I miss the good old times. There were so much of them, I cant be sure which one i miss more. I guess as long as they are good old times, I miss them! Is the present not good enough? Why do we look back. Or does the past come back? I still remember the first day I stepped into AJ. Remembered the first time I told a look at the timetable. There were so many first times in that place. How can I have forgotten. Good old times are meant to be missed.

Comical

I hear my dad and mum singing.
mei nu mei nu qing kan xi
wo zuo yi zi ni zuo di
wo chi xiang jiao ni chi pi.

August 22nd: Free to set sail

22nd Of August. It is her birthday today. I had almost forgotten. I had promised to spend it with her. She had promised too, albeit reluctantly. In fact I had almost forgetten it many times. Put it another way, i am running away from the fact that I remember it too many times for comfort. I had forgotten her telephone numbers, forgotten her address and maybe her voice. Pray she does not call me. More than once on the streets, I had seen her. Almost too often to be uncanny. I did not notice who was beside her al these time. I had not bothered.
Even since the day I saw her holding hands with this guy, I did not bother to keep her in memory anymore.
Had I forgotten her too fast? I do not know the answer to this. Because I had thought I had loved her deeply enough. Maybe pain will help one forget faster. haha I do not know. I do noe that I have very successful ways of coping with failures. With heartaches. perhaps. At that moment my world almost collapsed onto me.When I saw something that I thought could only happen in a nightmare. It just became real and presented itself larger than life in front of me. My heart was being taken away from me, stepped onto.. crushed.. stomped on and rolled over. I almost thought I couldnt sleep that night. Not wanting to go home to face the four walls and nags of my parents, I chose to seek solace in the solitary Bishan Park. After a few rounds that made my shirt cling onto my back with sweat, and many attempts at phonecalls to seek refuge in the voices of friends. I calmed down and started to see the brighter side of things.
Perhaps what was not meant to be was never meant to be. I had not intepreted wrongly the signals. But nature of man or i should say women is fickle. But i was no victim. Perhaps wheni was madly in it, i was a victim, but not now. Not after my heart was torn into a million pieces, i was not going to let my spirit end the same way. I was much bigger than that.
I slept peacefully that night, despite waking up with the same grippling disbelief. That somehow my life has been drastically altered. For bad or good unknown to me. BUt someone has been taken out of my life and I shall not seek any attempt to bring that person back in.
I had not sent any congratulatory messages or birthday wishes to her. Neither did she., I guess it doesnt matter anymore. Yes it is just a guess and just a thought. It is fine. My love shall be deposited at a safe till it has healed from this experience. Pin number 965 melts in your mouth not in your hands.

Prime Minister Lee and table Tennis Player Li

What does that Prime Minister Lee know about losing and why does he know about being happy or not being sad? He said do not be sad to Lee Jia Wei. To someone who has just lost her dreams , years of efforts had just vanished in one moment. To her, it was adding insult to injury as she lost two games in a row. For an athlete, i guess in order to excel, you must do it more for yourself than for any other purposes. Because it is only this love for oneself. this desire to be the best that drives one on relentlessly. She had wanted to be the first , to be the best so she can proudly say to the world that she has won. And the rest of Singapore will say yes she had won it for us. Different people have different causes to be sad, that was one particular moment that was most saddenly for Li. It is inevitable. Unless she had planned to lose. Unless she does not wish to be at that spot, to be the focus of at least Singapore, if not the world. Yes she can always try again, she can always train harder. So can the rest, so can the world champion. One chance gone is one chance gone. Lets not talk about whether she can improve or she will succeed in her next attempt. What hurts most is this loss, this moment that defined a moment in her life that she did not measure up, to another whom she felt perfectly capable of overcoming. Some people might just try and never get the chance. They may be good, but they just constantly run into people who are better. Some might just simply be lousy. Either, losing in both situations gives enough cause to shed those tears. So i shall say, just cry and have nightmares becoz I know you tried very hard, I know she wanted it so badly that she had bled and sweated. And at the end, when the tears dried and nightmares stopped , she will become a stronger person, ready for another four years of living out her dreams. she has undergone unimaginable condition and training, of enduring pain normal people will not bear to even think about. And all this with not a single medal to show for. Yes her spirit is indomitable, she is now a goddess in our eyes. But to her , she trained and she put in effort not for our worship, but for that place in history, History of the world. Of her own world, where table tennis reigns. Not in a nation where we just wish to produce Olympic medallist s that we may tel l the world, our microscopic nation can produce people who are best in the world. Not in a nation where we educate our youth to become entreprenuers and doctors and scientists so that we may eearn enough money to import foreign talents to win the medals for us. So please cry. And May God bless you. May you truly be the one worthy of the Ultimate medallion.

Prime Minister Lee and table Tennis Player Li

What does that Prime Minister Lee know about losing and why does he know about being happy or not being sad? He said do not be sad to Lee Jia Wei. To someone who has just lost her dreams , years of efforts had just vanished in one moment. To her, it was adding insult to injury as she lost two games in a row. For an athlete, i guess in order to excel, you must do it more for yourself than for any other purposes. Because it is only this love for oneself. this desire to be the best that drives one on relentlessly. She had wanted to be the first , to be the best so she can proudly say to the world that she has won. And the rest of Singapore will say yes she had won it for us. Different people have different causes to be sad, that was one particular moment that was most saddenly for Li. It is inevitable. Unless she had planned to lose. Unless she does not wish to be at that spot, to be the focus of at least Singapore, if not the world. Yes she can always try again, she can always train harder. So can the rest, so can the world champion. One chance gone is one chance gone. Lets not talk about whether she can improve or she will succeed in her next attempt. What hurts most is this loss, this moment that defined a moment in her life that she did not measure up, to another whom she felt perfectly capable of overcoming. Some people might just try and never get the chance. They may be good, but they just constantly run into people who are better. Some might just simply be lousy. Either, losing in both situations gives enough cause to shed those tears. So i shall say, just cry and have nightmares becoz I know you tried very hard, I know she wanted it so badly that she had bled and sweated. And at the end, when the tears dried and nightmares stopped , she will become a stronger person, ready for another four years of living out her dreams. she has undergone unimaginable condition and training, of enduring pain normal people will not bear to even think about. And all this with not a single medal to show for. Yes her spirit is indomitable, she is now a goddess in our eyes. But to her , she trained and she put in effort not for our worship, but for that place in history, History of the world. Of her own world, where table tennis reigns. Not in a nation where we just wish to produce Olympic medallist s that we may tel l the world, our microscopic nation can produce people who are best in the world. Not in a nation where we educate our youth to become entreprenuers and doctors and scientists so that we may eearn enough money to import foreign talents to win the medals for us. So please cry. And May God bless you. May you truly be the one worthy of the Ultimate medallion.

I as Spokesperson shall bring glory and fame ....

OK Since I am so Handsome, Muscular, Talented and Intelligent, I shall Become the Spokesperson for This Promote East Coast PErson! I was approached by the Chairperson of this committee that was set up most recently to bring East Coast onto the World's Most Impactful Culinary Map. Hosted by an equally important and colorful character.. namely myself, I was convinced instantly by the articulated and convincing and charismatic Chairperson.

Since the committee consist of 1 person, with a multi tasked responsibility, much leadership and initiative are required. No worries as I shall see to it personally that this event is a success! Why did I choose East Coast?What other better place than the one I grew up in. That whole place is filled with delicacies brought in from all corners of the world. Not to miss out the babes that run amok on the pavements of east coast park. Those mid rift revealing babes on rollerblades or skates or bicycles. With those slenderous legs drawing attention from the most innocent bystander.

I shall seek to represent what East Coast stands for. It bestowed that wonderfully golden tan to me. I shall return in kind. I shall bring in more people to restore the glow to East Coast,
I had claypot rice last week. Oh how wonderful, how delicious. my tastebuds were brought alive. they were dancing with the passion of desire. Sending dopamine and enpheprines to my brain, neerve calls were firing at will. Crispy and oozing with this sweetness as you put it into your mouth, it was transcending into heaven!
I am sure the whole place is full of crouching tibits and hidden delicacies. The next 3persons to write me a testimonial shall be rewarded with a whole day tour of east coast plus food expenses covered!


What does that Prime Minister Lee know about losing and why does he know about being happy or not being sad? He said do not be sad to Lee Jia Wei. To someone who has just lost her dreams , years of efforts had just vanished in one moment. To her, it was adding insult to injury as she lost two games in a row. For an athlete, i guess in order to excel, you must do it more for yourself than for any other purposes. Because it is only this love for oneself. this desire to be the best that drives one on relentlessly. She had wanted to be the first , to be the best so she can proudly say to the world that she has won. And the rest of Singapore will say yes she had won it for us. Different people have different causes to be sad, that was one particular moment that was most saddenly for Li. It is inevitable. Unless she had planned to lose. Unless she does not wish to be at that spot, to be the focus of at least Singapore, if not the world. Yes she can always try again, she can always train harder. So can the rest, so can the world champion. One chance gone is one chance gone. Lets not talk about whether she can improve or she will succeed in her next attempt. What hurts most is this loss, this moment that defined a moment in her life that she did not measure up, to another whom she felt perfectly capable of overcoming. Some people might just try and never get the chance. They may be good, but they just constantly run into people who are better. Some might just simply be lousy. Either, losing in both situations gives enough cause to shed those tears. So i shall say, just cry and have nightmares becoz I know you tried very hard, I know she wanted it so badly that she had bled and sweated. And at the end, when the tears dried and nightmares stopped , she will become a stronger person, ready for another four years of living out her dreams. she has undergone unimaginable condition and training, of enduring pain normal people will not bear to even think about. And all this with not a single medal to show for. Yes her spirit is indomitable, she is now a goddess in our eyes. But to her , she trained and she put in effort not for our worship, but for that place in history, History of the world. Of her own world, where table tennis reigns. Not in a nation where we just wish to produce Olympic medallist s that we may tel l the world, our microscopic nation can produce people who are best in the world. Not in a nation where we educate our youth to become entreprenuers and doctors and scientists so that we may eearn enough money to import foreign talents to win the medals for us. So please cry. And May God bless you. May you truly be the one worthy of the Ultimate medallion.

Burning under the Sun

So I began my day under the sun. I have just found or discovered paradise. This place which I knew so well. I had left it behind, almost forgotten about it. Yet just before I left this heaven-on-earth, I had sworn to return one day to the breeze to the trees and the sea. Indeed I was feeling an unusual calm and peace when I had my foot on the sands of East Coast Park again in 2001. Yah the place I had grown up in. Even then as I enjoyed the tranquility and beauty, I did not realise that it is a heaven. I had been looking at nature. Little did I notice that heaven is actually possibly man-made.
Last week I opened my eyes to the wonders lying along and around east coast, when all the while I had passed them obliviously sad to say.
Yah so it happened last week, a particular evening. I was on my way to Yijun's place for tuition. Somewhere in Siglap. Normally I would have been lazy enough to take the bus that delivers me directly to her neighbor's doorsteps. I decided somehow after missing my stop as no one roused me from my slumber. I am always falling into slumbers while on buses. Once I had even taken a bus to Tampines when I had intended to head straight home. Muttering something intelligent in French after waking up with a jolt. This disbelief that I missed my bus stop again. This disbelief that I have to walk something like 2 kilometer because I had chosen to stay in dream land for 2 minutes longer. Then as the dominant and arrogant male that I was, I decided to take a walk to Siglap, with just a faint idea where to head for.. Infact I had miscalculated the direction but maybe I was just destined to find paradise. I walked and walked. Then the first of the thousands of shops came into view. Not only did the walk open my eyes, it opened my nose and salivary gland as well. Shops selling all types of food, chinese cooked food, traditional. malay food, western dishes, french cuisine, you name it . Had I not been familiar with that area, Had there been no road signs, I would have gladly believed that my cord was pulled. HE had summoned me to his palace on the other edge of eternity. This had to be it. Tiltillating fragrances snuck up quietly to my nostrils, invaded my head and made straight for my head and my heart. I was captivated, entranced and estactic...
To be continued........

A love song

Its been a while since we enjoyed the breeze of the night
As we stared at the lights of the city below the mountains
You say happiness and freedom
is the blessings of the poor.
And you cant imagine how I much like that idea.
As I ask you to close your eyes
and use your imagination,
a faraway that is out of your sight
somewhere out there is a playground
so we be serious in finding that innocence
Oh how romantic was your reply!
my heart is soaring
the journey is long
and we shall be the shelter for each other.
as I look at you
as I gave you the key to my past and future
I realised that so many identical dreams bond us together

Oh you light up my life
so I wish that
we may tune into each other's mind
add some feelings to my dreams
may my thoughts bear wings
love is the flight of limitless possibilities
Oh you light up my life.
I would like to share with you
the dreams that touched me.
This is just the beginning
or issit an illusion?
Well the future lies in anticipation!
A future that i wishes to share with you!

I am on fire!~

Gosh! why was I so serious and bombastic in moi previous blogs?
haah Maybe that is coz i am crazy! And some crazy people get well aftera fever! A fever is what I am having now! My nose is blocked! Blocked like two large basketballs got stuck right up my nostrils!
Ok. Now that I am feverish.. delirious.. I am thinking more clearly .
The night was interesting. I always like spending my time talking to people. There is so much what others can show you, and everyone I meet can be a teacher to me.
haha I just received an sms from erica.. forgot how I knew her. And I actually gave her some seemingly wise advice.
Heart aches are part of life! It is good to feel them coz that means you are alive. and they can be ever so beautiful! Life will find you love in time. An eternity in a fleeting moment.
So maybe tonight I will just talk about beautiful things.
My friends are beautiful! Beautiful because we work together, because we share the work we have. I can trust them to make sure nothing goes wrong. In fact I only make friends with those who are beautiful
Beautiful in the heart, their actions will radiate beauty, because of the selflessness and grace. Perhaps if one is lazy or selfish, his movements and actions will be weighed down by his selfish intentions.
haha
My students are beautiful also. Some of them beautiful in the mind, an agile mind is an attractive one. Some of them beautiful in their efforts. Very hardworking.. (actualli maybe the beautiful in the lack of efforts.. coz most of them not that hardworking) hahah
The universe is beautiful. I was drawn into a discussion tonight regarding the universe. Are there other universes?
So it all depends on how we define the universe.. of coz I prefer the idea that universe is all that we can detect and percieve. After all what we are unable to know about, we cannot experience. To Begin, we need to try to percieve and detect everything! Whether the object possesses a mass or without. Without it is small or big or minisicular.
Actually i have been pondering about such questions for a long time.
So why is light the fastest and only few constants in the world? So is there a meaning to life? or everything is just an accident and just happens to be there? It is so unbelievable! To think we are mere elements and molecules. Is religion create as an alternative to that feeling of void and emptiness.. That we do not believe. I am really in no position to answer , I also dont wish to be struck down durign the next thunderstorm!
I certainly hope I have an answer. But then again, perhaps I will feel empty once i realise what is going on.. what the real universe is all about. Then I shall have nothing more worthy of pursuiing. Perhaps this dilemma serves a purpose. To distract us from the dread of being allknowing.
Ok lets not sidetrack to the more serious side of life. And get back to the lighter things of all.
I shall interject some romantic lyrics here. Because I feel romantic now.
Love is every where.
It is what words cannot express!
You appeared in my dreams
caused an aching that took a form
a form that I can almost touch.

Substance is ethereal while void is eternal.

I shall be smarter than those who are more handsome than me.
I shall be more handsome than those who are stronger than me.
I shall be stronger than those who are faster than me.
I shall be faster than those who are smarter than me.
Hence I will be the smartest, most handsome, strongest and fastest person!
Now I feel like a concert has ended. How deeply the concert stirred me, can now be clearly felt as the constrast made me lonely.

Non Mihi Solum

The dinner has ended. A chapter has just been marked with a fullstop. Dreams, knowledge, fun, rebelliousness, tears, fear and many of those agonies and joys we experience on our way up have been summarized. Of coz, truly those memories will forever remain in our hearts, ready to be expanded at will and to be revisited or explored again.
My first encounter with Anderson was during my secondary sch days. Alwyas the sleepy head, I had overslept on the train, missing the Bishan stop. When I did wake up, I was past Yio Chu kang.when I did take the train back.. I took in the full aerial view of Anderson Jc. It had a warmth attached to the sight. (Of coz, during 1998 - 1999, there were two pretty ajc girls taking the same train at the same time as I.. or was it moi deliberate plan to catch the train at that precise moment? Hence moi jc choices naturally included AJc)
ok let me get to the point which I cant barely suppress. Non Mihi Solum. not for myself alone. Tonight, I felt the spirit of Ajc. I did not witness any miracle acts, did not hear any galliantry deeds or charity accounts. But among the 1500 people seated within that same dining room, I had sense a bond.. a bond that tells of love, of kindness and of giving and sharing.
Call it a sixth sense. I wish very strongly tonight that I had added sparks and glitter to the lives of those around me. Ajcians or not. I am sure I did. Yet tonight with the guidance of the words, non mihi solum. i realised it is not so much of a matter of whether I did, but whether I can do more.
Yes , in my capacity I am sure I can do so much more for those around me. I can reach out to people out of my life, but as long as my extended touch can brighten up their lives, it is something I should do, in the true spirit of Non Mihi Solum.
An envelope calling for donations was handed out to all. I put much of what was in my wallet into it. I took one home. Telling myself. One day I shall have a cheque inside it with more than 5 zeros perhaps.
Of coz it is not the amount that matters. It is what I can do within my abilities. I suddenly have this plan, next year, I shall volunteer to help tutor AJcians in maths chem and physics. taking two evenings or a sat afternoon to return to AJ. To that place which I can devotedly call my home. To help those who in turn will be able to help others just because I exhibited the spirit of aj. A spirit that lives in all of us the moment we are in Ajc. Doesnt matter we are here voluntarily or not, it is a magical quality because no explanations can be found for its existence. I shall try moi best to contribute yearly to the ajc funds, and iin future after I become a doctor, I shall think of new ways to carry on this spirit of Non mihi Solum. As for now,
I shall devote wot meagre time and strength I have into laying down the very fundamental building bricks of AJ : the students and the spirit.
As a footnote.. plenty of those ex ajcians who are past their 30s are out of shape. the women are still eye catching.. it is the guys. who are carrying pouches of fats ahead of them, their hair making way for the thinking cap and their shoulders shrinking to the size of a walnut.
I shall maintain a fit and compact body, comparable to the limits of moi mind.. I shall retain moi radiant and dashing appearance.. if not enhance it even more.
Ten years down the road. We shall see.

Jane lost her wallet.
There are thieves in the world. How horrifying.
How perfect would it be, if only trust and harmony exists.

I shall sidetrack for a while. Jane.. what a wonderful name.
think in the Emergency room. Say someone who is unidentified is brought into the room. Just to take care of the adminstrative process, the nurses put the unknown person's name as Jane Doe on the chart.

Ok . Shit happens. I shall not be high note about it. There are plenty of scums out there.
Some people deserves a second chance.
Most dont. i wonder what should we do. How should we deal with the theif if we catch him?
Surely he will plea for leniency. Shall we give him a chance?
I have no answer to that .
Anyway Jane must be very upset... kinda this stabbing in the heart that why ......must this happen. Hhaha had I done some thigns differently, like came back 5 mins earlier.. or not gone to work.. then my wallet would still be with me.
So I guess the wallet is still gone after so many questions.
As usual, I cant bear to let Jane be unhappy. I shall treat her to a 100 bucks worht of chocolates.. movies and icecreams. Of coz i have plenty of jokes to share with her and bring a smile to her.
Of coz even in ordinary conversation, I am sure I can make her giggle or laugh. haha Perhaps that is my gift. Not much spare money around in my wallet. But plenty of stuff inside my head. And I can make people happy. Make them laugh and spread that warmth across the whole person.
:D
Of coz sometimes even the most valiant attempts seem lame.
then i just have to tell her this neverfailing joke about this dumb guy who thought 'moby dick' is




some kind of infectious sexual disease.

All of life contained within that sphere of radius 18cm

What should I write? I am living life with such impact that I may do away with the need for a blog. there would be no need for me to lock episodes of my life away on this virtual universe.
Yet since I had started this blog, I shall not see it waste away.
Came across a very meaningful phrase today.
Mount Everest.
This may be the most famous mountain on Earth. Some had thought it links heaven and earth. And to scale it would be considered a incredible endevour of mankind. A kind of wrestling match with the physical world. The world never loses. If you may hold it to a stalemate..That would be a triumph in its right. Perhaps when mankind challenges inanimate objects, we are actually up against ourselves.
OUr opinions of our own worth and the actuality of confirming or denying that worth.
So the tallest mountain naturally attracts plenty of challengers. This guy called Moyan( cant really rem his name) tried to climb it thrice. Eventually losing his life on the third attempt. However, it is the spirit of his unwaverness that I admire.
When asked after his second shot at the mountain, why is he trying to climb such a hostile mountain.
He simply replied : because it is there.
Yes because it is there.
I identify this fire within myself. On thursday , I had witness my juniors overcoming their arch rivals of six years to win the national title. Raffles agaiinst Hwa Chong, that has been the case for more than a decade. Why is winning so important? Why is bringing glory to the school such an honorable task that many spend most of their teenage years sweating blood and tears just to fulfil this task?
I was such a soul before. I guess given the right opportunities in future, I would not hesitate to sacrifice for a cause that I do not understand but just because it is there.
I am so proud of those who commit themselves to the causes in their lives. I am happy that we won. 3 out of 4 times in the past years. Yet i am in no way ashamed when we had lost. The match may be decided in 20 minutes. A whole year of training,agony and suffering to be determined in less than an hour. Maybe it is a travestry. But that is life. No second chances. You win, you win and that is history. The same goes for losing.
I shall be proud of those who try . Those who are willing to stick their necks out, to have their hearts accelerate to the pace where the thumping may even be heard, to have their muscles strained so much that you can feel the pain in the bones. The results I would say becomes peripheral.
But that hunger for victory and triumph should always be present.
I shall say I want to win.

Had read in a book. The character had set his starting point as perfection and work from there.

Music

I just got a shock. I am in a dark room, save for the computer screen in front of me. I had watched two horror movies a while ago. and my phone vibrated, no sound because of the silent mode. It rattled against the table. It shook my nerves.
haha Boy, i am looking forward to next monday where I would be totally free in the afetrnoon. It has been a while since I visited the karaoke! SO i shall go and exercise my vocal chords. I am not a great singer. In fact I sound pretty awful most of the time. Because I have no sense of beat or rhythm. But I just enjoy music. I love emil chau's songs.

Beautiful .

Blogging is beautiful. Just as how attractive the mind is when most active, a blog is a captured still from that attractive mind.
Even if you record down the worst of your days, they might seem special when u look back upon them. Or when someone else chances upon your work and realised that someone is actually having a tougher time out there.
K i am the ever-optimist! Life always has some luminous side to it even in the darkest of the nights. Why do I mention that today?
Why are thoughts like darkest nights, worst of days flashing across the field of my mind? I have no idea. Perhaps I have been through such days, such unpredictable and despondent times that now I know how to treasure even that weak trace of light or freedom.
Just some thoughts about those who devalue life. Those who attempt to throw life away just because they thought suffering would end with their ending of their lives.
It was a valuable lesson last thursday. Exactly a week from now. The guy who tried to commit suicide is still in IMH, Institute of mental health. I had told him or rather i had concurred with him that maybe all misery to oneself ends with the last breath. The moment when consciousness is lost irreversibly, all feelings of pain are gone. Yes dying might be a solution to one's suffering.
I am not a believer in the divine. I do look up to someone out there. Some one who watches over me and I love who ever created this whole world for me. BUt i am more of a scientist. Becoz i have yet to see or hear or touch the impossible, I chose to think that death is the end of it all. SO if i feel pain now, I can choose not to feel it, just by dying.
Yet is that what existence is all about? is pain really that horrible? is fear really that threatening? Many may think that i have been leading a sheltered life, a smooth sailing life, with success lurking at every corner and fortune smiling at me at every turn. What do i noe abt fear of the future? of failure and desperation? The truth is I might noe more abt them than you can imagine.
Not everyone is destined to live out his or her dreams. Because dreams are boundless, the sky is not the limit, dreams are euphoric, utopic in nature. Hence when we dream , we subconsciously promise ourselves that we must attain that pagoda of estacy. No, many people's dreams are way too high, too shrouded beneath the clouds, whether they are fair weather clouds or thunder clouds.
I too failed in a dream. A dream of which I clearly knew I had the potential and I did achieve it. Yet only to have time snatched away from me and my potential wasted. Or maybe I should not say that time was snatched away from me. Instead, I had squandered it away, had been foolish enuf to think that noone is my match and that I was beyond all rules .
Back to dreams, perhaps the only way to live dreams for many people would be to dream less, to have more life-like qualities in our dreams. To base it upon objective abilities and not imaginary ones. To live them in many small dreams so that each are equally attainable and yet sum to a big dream that one step alone would be insufficient to reach.
My advice to the guy, yes if u are convicned that your existence has been marred by a mistake and that you are suffering, death would stop it. Definitely. I do not noe about the punishments of such an act when viewed religiously. But i believe that yes death is an end. Not a release. Definitely not. Because you do not get freed, no sudden appearance of a large meadow when you run wild and unshackled. No such release. And the moment you choose to end your suffering, you end it for yourself. BUt as with the conservation of mass or energy, sufferings may go from you onto another person. And that would be your next of kins.
I did not say in such fanciful terms. I had simply said, your death is going to sadden your parents tremendously . ANd we do not live our lives solely for ourselves. It is an interconnection. you are going to leave behind broken hearts, hearts that never stop bleeding.
Stand up. Be brave. The world may trap you, everyone may be against you. BUt that is because they are stronger than you. Just like when the Nazis were in power, when the japanese were in power, they killed plundered and pilfered . There was no way out. But that is because they were stronger.
People slip, the world slips. You may be oppressed, you may be tormented by the world. Not physically, not directly. BUt in the form of social pressure. The expectation the world or society have of people whose voices were not heard when these expectations were decided.
So become stronger. Learn to live with it. Understand it totally. And build up your character day by day, let every apparently insignificant tasks be a step in your training. So that as you become stronger, take notice of when slips occur and make your break when the time is right. That is the only way to survive.
The only solution to suffering. Because only with survive can we find happiness. The whole point of suffering is not to end it. But to turn it into happiness, into a part of your memory, into a factor that contributes to a life that you waant.

Squeezing every moment out of my life

I just started a diary
A real one, not like this electronic diary where I embellish only when I have the time.
I keep the real diary with me all the time, or at least I try to make it a point to do so.
life is keeping me so busy that I hardly have enuf memory to kep track of my whereabouts in the next minutes.
I guess my plans to study will be badly disrupted. Not to say that i cant continue to read the books. However.. it takes plenty of self discipline. haha I must be reading on the bus... during my lunch time and dinner time and so on!
i hate waking up early
I totally abhor it. It sucks big time. Ever since Ibegan my nusery.. i had to wake up at 6 almost every day.
and let me tell the whole world.
It sucks big time.
I am falling asleep on buses..
i am falling asleep and drooling on mrt.
The best way to wake up would be to have the sun shine on yu r big fat ass.

Hold my hand... I am not part of the mad mad world.

Compassion remains a very important thing in the society today. An important virtue but yet gradually forgotten because we are blinded to the needs of others. Most of us are caught in the pursuit of high ideals, that the most basic virtues are sometimes neglected or overshadowed by dignity or professionalism.
What ever.
So yesterday night was one of the most interesting nights I had. Straight to the point.
I heard the commotion at 10pm. This guy S had barged into the medical centre, his friend and an instructor were trying to restrain him.
There were a lot of shouting and screaming from the 3 of them.
My immediate thoughts were : oh damn it! i am f*cked! Why must it happen tonight? I had no idea wat was going of. But looking at the trio, one guy waving his fist and shouting hysterically at the other two..
Of coz any self doubt and shock were concealed as I ran towards the 3 of them trying to make sense of what was happening.
S had sat down on the ground, sobbing and screaming that he does not wish to go detention barracks, he still wishes to go uni, to go to work.
A case of desperation it seems. Stressed out by the unfeeling system. Or a system that is neutral, but because of imbeciles around, unfeeling and non-thinking chaps just trying to make a living.
On closer look, his wrist had multiple cuts across, non were fatal, no blood spurting out, it appears his will to live remains somewhat intact. He may be violent, but I am sure I can overcome him.
In such a scenario, intuition tells me he listens to reason. I can help him, behind those eyes filled with hot tears, behind those waving arms and above all his shouting and screaming, maybe he is trying to tell the world he needs help.
Had i realli felt that way or was it just retrospection fixing up fragments of my memories?
I went to him and grabbed him, not in a menacing sense, but like a friend, someone who cares for him.. who is worried that he is injured.. who is trying to stop him from hurting himself.
My judo training made my first attempt largely successful. Before he could react, I had my left hand on his upper left forearm and the other hand across his back on his right arm. A sort of embrace, taking him into my arms.
I whispered in a hushed but firm manner : what is happening? I am here to help you, you are safe now.
The exact words were lost, left in the darkness of the night. I had said so much assuring words that their exact order were impossible to be recalled.
I look at his arm.. I told him. You are hurt, let me help you. I told him, I will protect you, I will keep those people who are trying to hurt you away from you.
My friend C was still sleeping away. Despite the commotion, he had chosen to continue with his sleep. May the world perish, he was thinking. And his sleep is of the highest importance.
I had to shake him out of his slumber. Told him to get me gauze and what is necessary for bandaging S's wounds.
And guess what he got for me? Exactly what I had told him.. gauze and nothing else. He had expect me to sterilize the wounds with my saliva and wrap up his arm with my skin it seems.
What an unbelievable idiot.
I had to get the centrimide, WOW bandage and scissors myself. I was too involved at that time to get pissed of. Matter at hands were more important.
S had tried banging his head against the wall. And I stoppd him. using my hand as the shock absorber. i asked him what was wrong? No one is going to send him to DB. HE is safe. I will help him
it is my role to help him and no one will be allowed to hurt him.
By now he had shrunken and sat against the wall. Muttering incoherent stuff.
Muttering stuff like the demon is in them, lonewolf is coming. In order to kill lonewolf , I had to kill him. He asked for needles and knife, for anything that can help him end his life. the world is coming to an end.
It was an outburst common to most people. Like a child who is throwing tantrums... maybe i am over simplifying things. but he does resemble one.. except that coming from an adult.. especially one that had just cut his wrist repeatedly and had assualted his friends and instructors.. it seemed diabolical and terrifying.
someoen thought i had calmed him down. and offered him a cup of water. He promptly threw the cup onto the ground, claiming that the water is poisonous.
By then I had realised what was wrong with him. But of coz, if i had outrightly made it known. He would just continue with his actions and maybe resort to more drastic actions.
He was stressed out, no doubt, he had thought of many alternatives.. to his problem but none seem feasible. So this was one last desperate measure.. This is a calculated move.. but despite saying that, you would have to lose certain control of your mind in order to act that crazy.
I had said so many assuring words to him. Asked him if Dr chris cheok or Bosco lee or Ang was his psychiatrist? Was he seeing any doctor, who does he wish to see right now?
I assured him countless of times..finally managed to convince him to go with me to a nearby medical centre where there is a attending doctor around.
His instructors were afraid him might jump off the ambulance.. but yet they were wwary of him.. afraid that he might just attack them.
SO I sat beside him.. of coz i would want to sit beside him. I had established myself as a friend of his.. maybe not a friend but the only trustworthy person apparent in those circumstances.