Not knowing what to write.. because I have written so much ... and so little.

It is another night which i cannot get to sleep. It is perhaps more of a tiredness or is it just the things on my mind that are keeping me up? I really do not dare to guess. I have a prized possession which I am about to give up. If I really give up, I would wish to turn my back and walk away without a glance. But Can I do it? I do not think so. There is no problem and yet there is a problem. It is something that has never occured before in the past 4 years but has surfaced recently. I was at a facebook page just now. The first thing on it was a message to another friend. How often do you write on your friend's facebook? Twice a week? For 2 to 3 months? That is pretty tiring. I wish I do not have to see this. HOw often do you call a close friend? How many times a week? I have many close friends. Chewlip, Saya, Elvin, Anna, Barry Etc. I do not message them often. I have never called them to chit chat. Never. Neither have they called me to chit chat. Maybe I am a monster. Who does not know how the mechanics of friendship work. I only care about myself. Is it really that normal to send a friend all the way from hougang to jurong every other week? After all, even if you are going out, how possibky could you have been going to Jurong all the time. My friends wouldnt even pick me up and send me to school even though we are both going to NUS. I am talking about Veron and Sara. SIghz. I do not know how bother I am about the fact that you treat him as a close friend or whether he treats you as a close friend. Since he knows I am unhappy, does he not know how to respect me and leave you alone for the time being? OR do I have to spell it out in his face? WIll that incur your wrath? I guess so. I have never done this before in the past 4 years. Unlikely that I would face another similar situation in the next 4 or 40 years. It is a peculiar and standalone issue. A particular person. I am not cutting off the ties. Just cooling off. Say not meet or contact him for a month. Or while I am away in Taiwan. I do not wish to bring myself to say it because I do not like the answer. So I shall not say it to any one else but my dear diary. SOmetimes the truth cannot be found here. Because they are covered and peppered with so many misleading statements that they are barely unrecognizable. But sometimes it is just from the bottom of my heart. Maybe it is more of your friendliness towards to a close friend that I cannot bear. I am not that petty. I know some of my female friends have close friends also. BUt they only meet up when they are really really free and that is once in a blue moon. AFter all everyone is doing different things. I wish no one will see this because I hate people gaining insight into my mind. My pathetic and deluded mind. IN fact my super long post I doubt no one other than the pandas have read it. But it was perhaps meant for her. I need to get to the bottom of this feeling I am having. But I am getting nowhere but deeper and deeper into murky waters. I am really kicking up a big fuss over a small matter. But that is what I do nowadays. Much ado about nothing. I really do not know how to continue writing this blog. Because I am as confused as how I am feeling. Anyway today I won a silver medal in the individual category and a bronze in the team event. It should have been a gold for the team but I screwed up big time. Not thinking clearly and being too complacent in both my own abilities and my friends'. I wish Barry all the best preparing for his exams because I miss him suddenly. I like him telling me that he doesn't mind other guys sending his gf to school because that takes the load off him. Doesn't mind her having other guy friends. I do not mind also. It is what she does that matters to me. and abit of what he does. There is really nothing going on and I am even willing to bet my last dollar on nothing going on between them now. But I am still bothered. Perhaps I just need him to tell her he likes her so i can have a legitimate reason to cast him away. BUt i do not have. So meanwhile I can only lose sleep over it and just be silly.