Another Saturday

I love mondays. I love getting myself busied with people around me. I need the attention. A new monday, a new week. 7 days of excitement and mystery to look forward to. But it is not monday now. Today is saturday. A day where everyone is supposed to relax. Supposed to take it easy. Catch a movie or go on a shopping spree. However I always feel unusually lonely on saturdays. I never really feel like asking my friends out on saturday. At least not well in advance. It is only when the loneliness get to me, then I start msging people for outings.

Now, today is another saturday. And I do not know what to do with my saturdays. Perhaps I never really can spend my saturdays meaningfully. I always try to spend my time meaningfully. Oh how uptight am I! I need to learn to relax. Yet I do relax alot. I get things done fast, books finished ahead of schedule. Tests and exams well revised for or even without revision, I am well well prepared or I simply dont give a damn.

It used to be Judo trainings in the morning. Despite the tiring trainings, I still have the energy to make my walk down to orchard, Perhaps just tired enough not to notice the accusing stares of those around me. Those who were inflicted with a whiff of my macho fragrance, vestige of the few hours of gruelling workout.

Used to have a time where I can loudly boast that I watched every movie found in the cinemas. Now, I seem to be a far cry from my glorious past. Maybe everyone feels somewhat lost sometimes. Especially when you are growing up. and boy do I ever seem like i am always growing up. Yah I am still much of a boy. Just slightly aged and jaded. But the naivety is still present, the boyish looks still dont fail me. And of course my jubilant antics and sheepish smiles will put most people around me at a lost for words.

I am glad that I have time to record down my feelings. Soon I am going to delete all my blogs. To wipe away any records of emotions. NO idea why I want to do that . Just a thought. A thought which seems probable and then quite attractive. After all, I am just trying to talk to a computer screen while exercising my fingers. Short of fellow humans to talk to, i can only turn to the inanimate. Or at least the computer is better than an inanimate. It is full of animation, just lacking in well.. cognition maybe.

Really I must get more active already. I hate being a couch potata. Forever confined to the space in front of my computer. I need more sun and more nature. Just feel that breeze across my face and sweat trickling down my spine. I have been playing indoor sports most of my life. Not that I am photophobic, but just happened that I am attracted by Judo and bowling. Both of which seems impossible to carry out under the fiery star.

Perhaps i shall take up solo canoeing. I wonder if canoe is a solo sport. Seems like it is . I cant swim for nuts. Definition as moving in waters. Not fast. I am the equivalent of a turtle on land. Maybe even the turtle can put me to shame. BUt float I can. I can always keep a cool head in a crisis. At least appear cool outwardly. Not appear cowardly. So without a life vest, sunken in the middle of the ocean, i can just get my feet to straighten and get parallel with the surface of the waters.

Being solo, being alone has its advantages. Judging from my blogs, maybe one can infer that conversation with me can be quite interesting. Hence I am not wasting any minute of it. I am constantly conversing with myself. Definitely not signs of schizophrenia. I am perfectly in control and I dont speak froma second person's perspective. I just try to think from one. Now I am getting every one confused. So let me get back to going it alone.

Starting from Dec perhaps. I shall be free from alot of my responsibilities. the exams well behind me. My students most of which are dying to just cast away the horrors of books, exams and school. So I can expect my self to be freed up immensely. I shall continue training for Judo. Hope to find a form that was long gone. The champion that was once me. Either the champion is dead, or probably just in slumber. I shall wager on the second.

Psyched up

Another Week. Hmm think i kinda miss her. The weeks just pass. Like those clouds on movies, where they seem to fly through the sky at high speed. Not forgetting the humans at traffic light. I have this terrible urge to get super fit. I need to play Judo. I need to do weights, to run alot. And I must try a water sport. My only contact was with a kayak. Though brief, but i bore the load of two person , 3 days and night. This nice encouraging girl.. who is abit more on the healthy side.. is all that there is.. encouraging.. but how far can encouragement take u when you are not using the paddles? I heaved and puffed. Along the way I also sang. Sang and sang. So the tiredness crept away. So maybe I can get back to my kayak or canoe. Cant tell the diff anyway. ok Come next Dec. I shall be Mr Super FIt !

Why am I here?

Oh is that life? I was with my Dad when he met an old friend. The old friend couldnt recognise my dad. Presumably of his greying crown and shrunken physique. They had become friends half a century ago. Those good old days. I could sense the longing in their eyes and from their words. The longing for the good old times. The longing for youth, for hope and for surprises. When you have 50 years ahead, you could just treat the next day as a surprise. Each fall as an experience. Each success as a step closer to the summit that seems always shrouded in the clouds. And I began to wonder . I wonder where would I be. 50 more years. Would that day come just like tomorrow would come? Will I realise it just like every morning when my alarm rings and I know another day has began. The night has passed, passed without my knowing. The next day is SIMPLY here. No, I mean today is simply here. So will I feel the same way when 50 years have gone, I just look back and quietly acknowledge the irreversibly? Will the music that I enjoy today, the same music that accompanies me as I pass each day, the music that triggers memories of the days tagged with it, will the music sound the same? Will I be cluttered with so much music that none would have any meaning? I guess not. I am sure unforgettable days or moments just keep building up. Just get stored in my head. and i am falling asleep

dear God! if I cannot be happy, at least let those whom I care for be!

Ever felt isolated from the world? That there is no one in the vicinity? Not in the next 100km radius? You cant see everyone, yet you can feel people trampling on you. Every turn and every corner just seems to bring about unpleasantness? And that is how I feel. I suddenly wish I could hate everyone and wish I will just pass my unhappiness and anger on. Then I realised that I cannot. Instead I wish no one feels as sucky as me. I think crying is such a wonderful thing. Then I sent out this gooey mushy sms. to some people. In the end got plenty of criticism. Ha! Just when I was trying to be nice. Thot it might just cheer up some people. At least People like KT replied decently. hah Ruddy actually said I was being gay. Shall kick his ass the next time I see him. Back to my self-wallowing state, I may have achieved alot , yet I often wonder about the meaning of life. What good is academic and sports acheivement? What is the point of being so good at eeverything and being totally in charge of your life? Being so totally in control of yourself. I just wonder. Here I am, at 21 whining like a 16 year old girl with a pink blog and plenty of pictures of herself and gang. One who bitch about how lonely she is, how the taxi driver tries to chat her up and other trivial and seemly unimportant matters of life. Not that I know any one like that. But that is the general impression. The only 16 year old I know is pretty much in hot soup. With the O levels approaching, I hope he gets his (a^2 - b^2) = (a+b)(a-b) right pretty soon. Yesterday I went for Irwin's bday party. One of my oldest friend. One who really went through a part of life with me, a part I never will forget. Then he said something which struck me as very true." To my friends who have been through shit. " How true. Having the best of times not neccessary translate to forming a strong friendship. But when you go through shit together, the bonds formed are irreversible.

Sore eyes.. from peeping?

Ouch ! my R lacrimeal gland is inflammed. pain! now i can barely close my R eye. It feels like someone tapped an egg onto my face. how can i face the world tomolo? got to go down and collect irwin 's bday Cd.. a specially ordered album with the singer's autograph. then to his bday party at night. without jez, i certainly hope meikhay and ken are going. Well... i guess irwin should have plenty of female friends. Oh what a night it will be. *crackles* besides my eye.. i am shedding skin. my over tanned skin is peeling off. leaving me like a over sized python. anyway .. no matter what i am an oversized creature. so what should i tell my diary blog tonight? that i am ultra forgetful today? that i managed to ensure everything that can go wrong went wrong? i guess it began last night when i wanted to grab a packet of claypot rice for my dinner. my dinner at 10pm. always the late eater. becoming more and more like sayanee's family. then it was sold out.. what the! ouch. my poor stomach got to stomach down this disappointment. I had wanted to return to ajc for open house tomolo . but miss veron doesnt sound too enthusiatic. haha i had wanted to pay mr ong.. my bio teacher.. the guy who always laugh conspiratorily at some perverted joke, a visit.. but i guess that have to wait. in the midst of this blog.... my comp flashed a zillion times error messages asking me to shut down IE...i guess my only option is compliance. hence i shall head for my cotton haven! and may I dream of the person whom I most adore! Q****! ops! almost let the **c* out of the bag!

Conversation

Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
hi!
I am just better than you. says:
hii whats up
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
still remember me?.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
nth. jus feeling bored
I am just better than you. says:
haha yah
I am just better than you. says:
i hope u feel better
I am just better than you. says:
haha exams oveR?
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
yar..
I am just better than you. says:
haha great la
I am just better than you. says:
come on .
I am just better than you. says:
why is every one feelingbored
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
no. havent get back results
I am just better than you. says:
hmm why do i feel bored also
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
still havent quite settled
I am just better than you. says:
haha settled for wot
I am just better than you. says:
hmm
I am just better than you. says:
heck care abt results la
I am just better than you. says:
can promote can liao
I am just better than you. says:
hmm how are thngs in sch
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.ya la..
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
oh the same lor. btw, this sat is aj open house
I am just better than you. says:
haha
I am just better than you. says:
so what time to what time?
I am just better than you. says:
haha am i invited
I am just better than you. says:
/
I am just better than you. says:
shld i choose aj as my first choice?
I am just better than you. says:
hahahahaha
I am just better than you. says:
darn
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
9 to 3.
I am just better than you. says:
i feel so old
I am just better than you. says:
old old old old
I am just better than you. says:
i have been thruough all these
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.. i still dunnoe if i made the right choice in cuming
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
life suxs man
I am just better than you. says:
come on!
I am just better than you. says:
the choice is still there.,
I am just better than you. says:
get life going.
I am just better than you. says:
know your friends
I am just better than you. says:
organise outings
I am just better than you. says:
take the initiative
I am just better than you. says:
celebrate bdays
I am just better than you. says:
be late for classes together
I am just better than you. says:
copy homework!
I am just better than you. says:
talk in class
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. sounds fun ar
I am just better than you. says:
that is sch for you man!
I am just better than you. says:
of coz
I am just better than you. says:
just let it loose
I am just better than you. says:
break every damn rule u can find
I am just better than you. says:
with freinds of coz
I am just better than you. says:
haha
I am just better than you. says:
and life might just start getting more exciting
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
haiz. but I'm the pessimistic type of person
I am just better than you. says:
ok ok.
I am just better than you. says:
i shall feed you with optimism ok
I am just better than you. says:
go to the hall
I am just better than you. says:
look up at the inscriptions there
I am just better than you. says:
and think of me
I am just better than you. says:
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
no use la. evrything is so bleak
Ong Guan Hong says:
what is so bad
Ong Guan Hong says:
tell me?
Ong Guan Hong says:
u need a new perspective
Ong Guan Hong says:
not a new life
Ong Guan Hong says:
new attitude!
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
jus got back my chi paper
Ong Guan Hong says:
oh
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
n i failed
Ong Guan Hong says:
chinese paper
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm come to think of it
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
oh. it's like 1st time fail chi lor
Ong Guan Hong says:
i think i shld have also.. i woke up late for my listening!!!!
Ong Guan Hong says:
Ong Guan Hong says:
i think eventually u will pass la
Ong Guan Hong says:
maybe just spend a few more minutes each day
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
who noes lo. i'm v sad lor.
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm paste stickers with chiense words and meaning all over the house k
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm
Ong Guan Hong says:
just forget abt it
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
can't concentrate on the things i wanna do
Ong Guan Hong says:
find your best friend
Ong Guan Hong says:
find the most handsome guy in your class
Ong Guan Hong says:
and ask him out
Ong Guan Hong says:
of co z
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. no handsome guy la
Ong Guan Hong says:
aj seems to be lacking
Ong Guan Hong says:
Ever since my departure
Ong Guan Hong says:
it went from the top most hunky sch to the 9th or 10th..
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha..
Ong Guan Hong says:
if u feel u are useless..
Ong Guan Hong says:
just go to the canteen
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont noe la. stimes, i really dont noe who m i
Ong Guan Hong says:
look at the sculpture of the two balls and a rod...
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
y m i on this earth
Ong Guan Hong says:
the mother and son thingy...
Ong Guan Hong says:
and tell yourself.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
where got?
Ong Guan Hong says:
the blue thing
Ong Guan Hong says:
in the garden
Ong Guan Hong says:
tell yourself..
Ong Guan Hong says:
the world is mad .. some alumni actually made the sch believe that it is an innocent sculpture
Ong Guan Hong says:
hahaha
Ong Guan Hong says:
what mother support two sons.
Ong Guan Hong says:
rubbish man.. any one with a rational mind can tell it is part of the male anatomy!
Ong Guan Hong says:
so you are not so bad after all.
Ong Guan Hong says:
being depressed is not going to help your grades.
Ong Guan Hong says:
start planning
Ong Guan Hong says:
there are plenty of people willing to help
Ong Guan Hong says:
i dont mind sinc e u are my junior
Ong Guan Hong says:
take it easy.. tell yourself you could lose more in life than this...
Ong Guan Hong says:
grades.. what matter
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i'm used to wallowing in depression since sec3
Ong Guan Hong says:
people ard u are more impt
Ong Guan Hong says:
be grateful for them@
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
grades to me seem so imp
Ong Guan Hong says:
i use to say my time in sch is meant for interacting with people
Ong Guan Hong says:
ya grades are impt
Ong Guan Hong says:
but feeling sad is not impt
Ong Guan Hong says:
u need to be motivated and focused
Ong Guan Hong says:
and clear minded to do the right thing
Ong Guan Hong says:
not just be sad
Ong Guan Hong says:
start hitting the books
Ong Guan Hong says:
one hour per dayy
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but i dont have the strength to carry on and to be focused
Ong Guan Hong says:
are u doing this when u are wallowing in self pity?
Ong Guan Hong says:
strength comes from within!
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i can't get over it.
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm at least it is not physical strength
Ong Guan Hong says:
i can understand if u cannot drag a plan
Ong Guan Hong says:
plane
Ong Guan Hong says:
but if u cant even tell yourself to face your failures properly
Ong Guan Hong says:
whats more can be done
Ong Guan Hong says:
u just think abt this !
Ong Guan Hong says:
rem what edison said?
Ong Guan Hong says:
he did not fail a hundred times before inventing the light bulb
Ong Guan Hong says:
he merely took a hundred steps
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but I'm like him. I'm vulnerable
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i tend to give up or struggle
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i feel v tired..
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm so nothing can be done wot
Ong Guan Hong says:
hhaha a tired spirit
Ong Guan Hong says:
ok
Ong Guan Hong says:
then just take a break
Ong Guan Hong says:
relax
Ong Guan Hong says:
go swimming.. go east coast
Ong Guan Hong says:
go east coast
Ong Guan Hong says:
my fav haunt
Ong Guan Hong says:
i go there to recharge
Ong Guan Hong says:
of coz .. u may also humor yourself
Ong Guan Hong says:
dash across the cyclist path when u see an amatuer skater
Ong Guan Hong says:
then offer to hold the person's hand
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
tat day i went to wild wild wet to de-stress
Ong Guan Hong says:
i gaurantee u the poor chap sure have a hell of a fall
Ong Guan Hong says:
thats good
Ong Guan Hong says:
d:
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but aft tat i feel v empty inside
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
alhtough i feel happy temarily
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha
Ong Guan Hong says:
i feel empty all the time
Ong Guan Hong says:
i have been devoting my self to work
Ong Guan Hong says:
but maybe sometimes u need to noe that feeling down
Ong Guan Hong says:
sad
Ong Guan Hong says:
disappointed
Ong Guan Hong says:
is also a good thing
Ong Guan Hong says:
coz after all they are feelings
Ong Guan Hong says:
they are emotions
Ong Guan Hong says:
signs of being alife.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but it's unhealthy
Ong Guan Hong says:
just feel them thoroughly
Ong Guan Hong says:
tell yourself
Ong Guan Hong says:
u like the feeling
Ong Guan Hong says:
the stinking feeling that someone is ignoring u
Ong Guan Hong says:
that you do not have many people to go out wiht
Ong Guan Hong says:
ahhaha
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont like to be alone
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i feel even more empty
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i need people ard me.
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm let your friends
Ong Guan Hong says:
be with you
Ong Guan Hong says:
just ask them out
Ong Guan Hong says:
for me
Ong Guan Hong says:
i noe my freinds are around
Ong Guan Hong says:
i have got more impt things to do than go out with them
Ong Guan Hong says:
though i try sometimes
Ong Guan Hong says:
but it sort of get into a habit
Ong Guan Hong says:
now i can go out on my own
Ong Guan Hong says:
feel all melancholy
Ong Guan Hong says:
and walk the streets, enjoy the world
Ong Guan Hong says:
ok just tell me all your fears
Ong Guan Hong says:
there is no right or wrong
Ong Guan Hong says:
u are entitled to your feelings
Ong Guan Hong says:
at the end of the day, try asking yourself what do u want and do you really want it badly enough to keep on trying?
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
the prob is tat i dont noe wat i really want
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm then experiment
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
sth really wrg wif me
Ong Guan Hong says:
or just go blindly and be happy with yourr choice haha
Ong Guan Hong says:
i tell u frankkly
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont understand myself
Ong Guan Hong says:
there is hardly an aspect of working life that is enjoyable
Ong Guan Hong says:
u get stuck to this 8 to 5 job
Ong Guan Hong says:
sometimes OT
Ong Guan Hong says:
no oneapppreciates u
Ong Guan Hong says:
u fall in to this cycle
Ong Guan Hong says:
get married
Ong Guan Hong says:
give burdened by kids
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
u noe wat?
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha what
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
sttimes i really want to get married
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
and jus dont think abt other things
Ong Guan Hong says:
dont tell me u just slit your wrist? i have enough of that for a year at least
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm
Ong Guan Hong says:
that is cool also
Ong Guan Hong says:
i also want to get married
Ong Guan Hong says:
to the girl i like
Ong Guan Hong says:
to cherish her to protect her
Ong Guan Hong says:

Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
take care of my kids and like a tai tai life
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha take her on all wonderful adventures
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
i dont want to study or to work
Ong Guan Hong says:
every outing will be a surprise and novelty
Ong Guan Hong says:
hahaha
Ong Guan Hong says:
okok
Ong Guan Hong says:
just pretend to study for the time being ok?
Ong Guan Hong says:
do well enough to go uni
Ong Guan Hong says:
there
Ong Guan Hong says:
u can have your pick
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
but then aft i go uni, then end up marrying
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
wat's the use of studying so hard
Ong Guan Hong says:
at least the guy u like would have enough financial stability
Ong Guan Hong says:
hmm coz University is a BIG social Playground!!!!
Ong Guan Hong says:
u go there
Ong Guan Hong says:
screw around.. attract guys like flies....
Ong Guan Hong says:
at least the guy u choose would have a higher chance of being gainfully employed
Ong Guan Hong says:
ahhaa
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.. i'm looking fwd to uni life . heez. cos can see all the mature n handsome guys
Ong Guan Hong says:
NUS is the ultimate incubator!!
Ong Guan Hong says:
sure
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha.* dreaming``
Ong Guan Hong says:
just stuyd hard for that cause ok?
Ong Guan Hong says:
it is worth it
Ong Guan Hong says:
haha u need the education
Ong Guan Hong says:
so u can be cunning enough
Ong Guan Hong says:
to trop the guy u like
Ong Guan Hong says:
and of coz
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. ya. i didnt think of getting into uni to find guys
Ong Guan Hong says:
guys are easily fool
Ong Guan Hong says:
now u noe better right?
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ya.
Ong Guan Hong says:
k i need to go and make a birthday present for someone
Ong Guan Hong says:
u enjoy yourself.
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
kk.
Ong Guan Hong says:
study hard..
Ong Guan Hong says:
work out
Ong Guan Hong says:
get a sueve figure
Ong Guan Hong says:
killer looks
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
10x for chatting wif me
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
night!
Ong Guan Hong says:
and go in for the kill in UNI
Ong Guan Hong says:
hahaha
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
ha. still got one more yr
Ong Guan Hong says:
remember .. guys are there for you to fleece
Ong Guan Hong says:
yah
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
so long!
Ong Guan Hong says:
free frag
Ong Guan Hong says:
okok night nights
Ong Guan Hong says:
tok to u more another day
Wat did SuShi A Say To susHi B? says:
haha. k la. night.

It is a sunny night

Cheers! What can be so sad about life? Nothing except the loss of life can bring my mood down. As long as there is life there is hope! I used to enjoy the smell of the morning, the sounds brought alive by the dawn. I appreciate being alive and having freedom. I never use to think that being part of anything is a shackle. Because there is still freedom, freedom to work as you wish.. as long as you meet the deadline! Life is often full of compromises. even the sweet smelling roses have thorns. It is true also that people who matter to me get me down sometimes. Actually I do not have much luck with people. I wonder why. I have plenty of good friends.. yet the one special has not come along yet. But fear not. Tomorrow is a fresh new beginning. Let me sing all the songs I want tonight. Tomorrow, the new rays will bring along another set of songs, of brightness and hope! I was pretty engrossed with two book sby Jessica Adams. And blizmy! I am actually reading those feminine relationships novels. I must admit with all due respect the perspectives offered are close to reality. Guy like girl. Girl like guy. Guy slow. Girl loses interest, guy regrets. Or Guy like girl. Girl dont like guy. Guy try. Guy fails. try again. ouch! wall... try try try.. someone else meant for him comes along and Bingo! they are together. I must start practising how to write in a self deprecating manner and satirical style. Perhaps If i fail my med sch,, at least I can lead a secluded life writing romance stories, feeding the lonely souls on this planet!

Disappointment?

toidi! how familiar ... this so famous italian phrase I picked up in JC. I was waiting for a promise. 24 hours. Did not happen. So i guess I just have to let it go at that.

Doctor

Good evening. Tired. I am getting addicted to you. Am I lacking someone to talk to? Perhaps. Just a transitory phase. People come and go. Just happened that many people are out of my life now. Had a nice chat with two doctors today. One of them a gynae from KK. I wonder if he is married. At 36, he got his specialty, lectures at NUS and life seems good. How about his wedding ring? To ask him directly would be too rude. Another opthalmologist I know also has a pair of naked hands. And what will I be? 12 more years after med sch before I become a neuro surgeon? Will I even get to be one? Such an ardous journey, I might even opt for some other easy way out. Or I might not even perform well enough to specialise. Alas all these are dreams. And If there is anything certain, I do not fall short of even the most aloof dreams. Why had I wanted to become a doctor? I guess ability wise, my intellect and dexterity would place me in good stead. Secondly, I have this passion. Although I have not been in a hospital prior to my interview, I just have vivid images of myself as a doctor. It would be true to say that I would gain immense satisfaction from treating the ill, and that would be one factor that drives me on. I wouldnt mind the gratitude from those I treat and of course an admiration for my skills is always welcome. But that is not to say I enjoy treating everyone. Some without genuine illness or those ill - manner ones would always be hard for one to swallow. I was asked to cite 3 reasons. I stopped here. I guess numbers do not matter. It is the force of the reasons, not their quantity. One good reason will suffice. How about my weaknesses? I have always had a problem thinking what weaknesses I have. I just see myself as one without a major fault though with plenty of areas for improvement. So I guess tardiness and sloth would be two issues I have always grapple with. I am plain lazy, I wake up late when ever I allow myself to. That is saying a lot.. I am rather late for my appointments and only people who mean alot to me will see me being punctual. Then I am awfully untidy. I can just leave my stuff all over the house. I can just throw the papers on the floor after reading them. I might just be sloth reincarnate. Well... I need to go read my medical books already . Inspiration! Thick glasses ! Worry not as despite the overflowing knowledge, I shall not morph into a nerd, but a gentlemanly scholarly. A charming one at that! oh boy what ego!

I am staring at you. I get back a stare that is even more blank than the I provided. So I begin to experiment with some of the buttons. I tried unsuccessfully to upload pictures on this page. try. Try
Try again.
Same error message appears everytime. I hear an interesting lyrics. Your faith was strong but you needed proof. You saw her Bathing on the roof. hmmm interesting. She tied you to the kitchen chair , she took your throne she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the hallelujah! Now, today was an escape from the everyday ever so familiar routine of mine. I am making the testtubes ornaments again. Now it is for Irwin, whose birthday is just a week away. With prior experience, I am adding stuff like glitters and colored gel into the testtubes. Somehow the appearance still fall short of the clear and crystal like quality I would like to see. Went singing today. Nothing spectacular. Bought a CD today. Just as mundane and boring. Oh boy, recently i am making people who chance upon moi bloggy nauseated. Surely any one would be if they read about stuff like my daily itinery . I am commiting a cardinal sin. Forgive me who ever is out there. Back to using the same old black ink. Again I wonder how many people actually read this blog of mine. Why bother. If I had a more interesting life, I would be parading on TV and having my own reality show. Instead of being cooped up at home in front of my Computer. Trying to busy myself by doing what I am doing now. Come to think of it. Life is not that boring. Life is almost a bitch. This year, as had been with previousyears, has been filled with small and big, unpleasant and wondeful surprises. After all, how many people meet a gay, a raving guy raring to commit suicide and a fire in the same year. Speaking of fire, I had actually put it out. Regreted it. And almost was tempted to re-ignite that SOB..and take pictures with it. Of course moi rational mind.. which always take charge stop me. In the end I had pictures taken with the ashes and burnt plastics. Hope my friend pass me the pictures soon. Oh ok . I just realised what I had so much wanted to write about. What do people think of me. I have always been the guy in the limelight. If there were no limelight in the first place, I would have stolen it from another place and have myself placed in front it. A megaloegoist... perhaps at the very core of myself. In primary school, I was quite obnoxious. The whole class hated me . and I wonder why. I was after all so chubby and cute. Perhaps they were all jealous of my symbolic body mass. Starting from Pri 1, I had ACCIdentally Swung my water bottle's strap ... ok the strap was not swung accidentally. I was mimicking a cowboy and his rope. Then it had connected with the lips of this smal indian boy who happend to be my classmate or at least I thought he was. It was during recess and we were just playing. I had not noticed him. I guess some thought of me as a racist asshole and my teacher called down my mum. I had not even had the water bottle attached to the strap... oh man. How unbelievable! Another time.. or rather many times, I was late for school. Often I would wait opposite sch. Bidding my time. Till flag raising and school song are done. then make my way to class when the coast in clear. Sometimes when I decided to do the right thing by admitting to the prefects, My name was taken down. It took them six times because I was summoned to the prefect master. That chap threatened to expel me. Put it nicely, he wanted to transfer me to a school near moi house. First and only time i was scared to tears in front of strangers. Of coz looking back, it was merely an empty threat to make me come on time. I was so distraughted when i made my way to class that I did not talk to any one fo rthe rest of the day. after that, i was punctual most of the time. if i woke up late, then it would be MC automatically. Even till JC i was still waking up late pretty much most of the time. Guess I am the only one who had ot write an essay on why am i late. Boy it was an extremely hilarious essay that put the whole blame on the education system, the television cooperation of singapore and my faulty alarm clock. Somewhere I had even managed to point the fingers at my forefathers. Claiming that if research had been carried out to determine the cause of sound-arm-extension reflex syndrome, most probably fingers would be pointing at genetic inheritance. Ok let me explain. Sound travels at the speed of 330metres per second in a vaccum. In denser object, it is faster. In air it is about hte same value. An alarm clock converts chemical potential energy into kinetic energy as demostrated by the moving hands of the clock. Then if you press this oval button at the top of the clock, and push this red needle to a certain time, the alarm will make an awfully blood curling sound when the hour and needle hand coincides with the red needle. It still makes me cringe when I pass by clock shops. Our ear detects sound by the vibration air particles make on the ear drum . Then it travels through several bones and a few compartment of liquids. Finally reaching a nerve which is stimulated by the vibrations of the fluid and a nerve impulse is set off. The tone and quality of the sound is turned into rate and number of nerve firings . So our brain interprets the impulse and decides that we should wake up and set our affairs in order. Somehow we get reminded that our sleep is over and it is time to start to freshen up to prepare fo tthe long day ahead. in the even of a genetic mutation, the actions upon receiving the impulse would be totally different. in a bid to converse energy, people like me conviniently reach out our arms. At this point,, we would have developed hyper kinetic sensitivity. Without opening the eyes, our hands and arms can radiate a kind of sensory waves that communicate the location of the clock to us. And blam! our hand just tap on that oval button on top of the clock and by some spring mechanism hithero unknown to me, the oval button gets higher. and the clock 's sound died in its throat. Some people are born fat, no matter ho wthey try to cut down on their diet, increase their muscular acitvities, blubbers just accumulate in their adipose tissues. Some are born with turner's syndrome. they are frisky, dry and under grown. hardly hits puberty natually. and I just repsonse poorly to alarm clocks. I should be sympathized with. rather than discriminated and be forced to write an essay citing the reasons of my tardiness. ok . I shall stop here. Tonight took an unexpected turn. I wish that I get my wish. Just let me have one chance.. if one is not enough.. perhaps 2. If it is insufficient, perhaps just let me have my wishes at will and I shall stop disturbing whoever is dishing out all the wishes! goodnightz

Cut N Paste from 2 days ago

Just realized. Energy and vitality are not synonymous. I never seem to run out of energy. I went without food the whole day. Sat through 4 hours of tuition. Finished 2 books. And yet I find the energy to work my fingers insidiously across the keyboard. My brain is still functioning. Almost perfectly. Give me a riddle, a 2nd order differential equation, a tacky situation, and I shall provide you the opposite of what you gave me. But I don’t sense any drive in me. No urge to do anything. Even the blog that I so wanted to write, the revelations and the side splitting stories that I conjured on my bus journeys.. All became gusts of impressions, nothing distinct.. all is blurred.
I don’t feel vitality sapping out of me. It is already gone early into the night. No worries. Just a few hours of sleep and I shall be bouncing around and causing miniature earthquakes.
What do I talk about tonight? What does the world want from me? Indeed there is much I can provide. As I so firmly feel, that the universe is contained within our minds. No doubt that the world wants a slice of that vast space. I couldn’t focus on my carnitine cycle. Can’t memorize the steps of fatty acids breakdown or gluconeogenesis. I was never that skilled at committing stuff to memory. At least my short term memory doesn’t function like a sponge.
Life is full of ironies. I never taught that one day I would hold a Ci Yu Shuo Ce ( handbook of Chinese words) and instruct others how to recall from memory words from the book. I never taught I would write out the entire shapes of molecules topic, examples included from memory. My memory, like wine, gets better with age. I was never the perfect student. Almost always grouped out for not completing my work..(grouped out because a large group of us and not just one in RI would be made to stand outside of classrooms for failing to do our homework.. .. )
Heck, most of the time I did not even know about the homework. After all, as long as you kept your eyes open and escape from the harassment of an overzealous teacher, your mind is free to roam, most of the time mine was on extended vacation. How can I be a slave-driver, it is so undemocratic. I was skilled in absorbing information from the homework of others, with my bullet speed handwriting, I was able to deposit enough carbon on my worksheets or foolscap paper to make it resemble a tablespoonful of effort.
I never did any studying during the holidays until JC, which I did during the first June holidays and realized that old habits die hard. The rest I spent going to camps, on Judo, on outings and other ridiculous matters.
I can always recall with pride and fondness the silly things I did during the A’levels. Brought my mum to watch Emil Chau in action. I couldn’t have cared less if his concerts had fell on the eve of any examination. Let alone 2 weeks before. Then there was the Guru during the first week of the exams. What a wonderful movie. Its sexually therapeutic effects released any hold the haunting bio paper might have on me. Then there was the night when I fell asleep on Elvin’s bed when we were supposed to revise for physics. At least the rest of the guys woke me up when it was time to go home.
So we partied before the exam ended. At least for the rest of the class they had no Physics S. Woe befell me as I returned from Suntec as I recall with total and absolute disgust that the next day I will be sitting for my physics S. I went in the exams with my mind blank. Took half an hour or so to warm up and get into gear. Sometimes the feeling still make me recoil in fear. How hilarious. How I had wanted to score badly for my midyears in order to get motivated for my A’levels

Ah , It is Sweet!

Chocolates. I am popping plenty of chocolate buttons into my mouth. I know it makes me fat. What I know cannot be compared with what I feel. I feel fantastic as my teeth clamp down on those thick and aromatic dark spheres. Perhaps we are so limited by our own language, I cant even find a word close enough to describe the sensations on my taste buds. Chocolates are to me a symbol of love, of sharing and union. I offer chocolates to the ones I hold most dearly. I do not lightly give my friends chocolates. If I do give, it is with the most sincerity and anticipation. I had read somewhere that chocolates emulate the feelings of being in love. Identical chemical messengers are produced when you eat chocolate and when you are deeply in love. I also know that by sitting to the left side of someone, that person is more inclined to fall in love with you. Why is that so? Our heart being asymmetrical, has its apex pointing towards the left side.
I am in love and I cannot help it. My heart is residing beneath the bed of that special person. Hoping to take every possible opportunity to leap into the dreams and share a magical adventure. Alas, my heart also realise that all is futile. Even If it manages to land in her dreams, she would be too preoccupied by her own life to notice my heart's presence. So it shall just be contented to be there, pumping resiliently and assuringly for her. It will act as guardian and protector. Fending off all darkness and unhappiness. Sleep well, sleep tight.

Candles, flames and roaring babies

Let me talk about birthdays today. Let me describe those birthdays that left their candles still burning in my memory. I am doing so because this is a month of many candles. Of pleasantness and warmth. Just imagine a snowy season, a wooden cabin and a log fire. Of foxes and sparrows lingering outside. The windows are misty and you sit in your rocking chair. Waiting for a special moment. A special moment that you alone can choose how and what shall happen. So u rock to and fro, just happily concocting up sweet possibilities. I started having my birthday celebrated in JC. I remember the grass patch on which my friends stood around me and one of them holding the birthday cake, the rest chorusing to the birthday medley. It was after famine camp. Late at night, sunday night, in the middle of the hols. Sayanee, Anand, Elvin were with me for the camp. Chuantin had brought down the cake from home. They had prepared flour. AS had been the tradition among my class. Elvin was so close to dousing me with 1 kg of the flour. at least until he brought it up to his face and tearing the side closer to him. The wind couldnt have chosen a more opportune moment. The flour lapped up elvin's face hungrily. It was my 20th birthday. Next i recall in the same year. When my orientation group was still bonded by myself and edelene. MOE had not split them up yet. with all of us still in Aj. It was easy to get people out. That time Siru had her birthday. We thought it would be special for us to celebrate it. Dinner at Pizza hut. I had harmlessly said to Siru, she wouldnt dare to pour coke onto me. And she did not. Instead she splashed the coke. I was right after all. it was the first and only time in my life someone had wet me with coke intentionally. She had done it and maintained that innocent and saccharine glance. That became peripheral when we brought her out into the open to present the cake to her. After the song. After blowing out the candles. We told her to close her eyes and wish. Wish hard and remove the candles with your mouth. All wishes will come true. She did exactly. And our wishes came true. Everyone was waiting for something to happen. Just a guilty but mischievous look from Huixia tipped the scale and I held the base of the cake firmly as my other hand tried to push into the cake.. with Siru's head underneath of course. Of coz it was a fabulous moment. Photos of that chocolatey and spicy moment remain. Of coz, she came after me like a tiger. Of coz I was much faster than her to be dirtied by her. She had enough cream on her hair and face to wipe off and cover another person's face with whatever is left on her hands. I decided not to spoil her day by turning myself in. She turned me into half a chocolate cake. OK Two more birthdays this month. One of whom my very close friend, a buddy whom I grew up with. It is not presents that I want to give him. The cheap ones like mp3 players and gold chains I cant afford. But the inexpensive ones , that requires a large amount of patience, delication and friendship, I might just be up to it. I shall set a bbq for the ACES. 5 of us. Put in effort and heart to make it resounding. Then it would be edelene's bday. someone who stood by me through the noisy and throat hurting periods during our days as orientation leaders. the girl who gave me a box of ferraro rocher on my birthday. coincidentally during the famine camp. I was wise to keep the chocolates out of sight and away from any growling stomachs. So i shall hold another bbq, prepare all the food myself. Start fire, cook for them. Entertain them. let them live out the life of a king. or a queen. And just 1st of Oct was Mindy's bday, got her the duck that was so adorable to me. made her a test tube with gel and words of happy bday mindy. I enjoyed the process of creating something special for an equally deserving special occasion. So birthdays are anything but dull. You have friends who truly wish for your happiness, you feel the disappointment when you recieve so many presents but just not the one you hope that special person would give. You grow older. You add a year to your memory and another marker on the calender of your life. There was one who I wanted so much to celebrate her bday , but now she is just one whom i make an effort not to contact on her bday but wonder if the next msg that my hp conjures would come from her on mine.

Sunken Eyes, with cloudiness

Good evening my dear computer, my faithful blogging account and those net addicts who waste precious time reading my blog. The time now could qualify for morning actually. I feel like the old grandfather clock. Faithfully performing my duties, yet each motion of the Seconds needle resembles more of a laborious effort than a cruising task. Old and forgotten. Left in the corner for spiders to spin their webs and nestle up to a cosy and remote home. Perhaps my absence will be sorely noticed. As i provide the convinence of instant time telling. But my presence will not be appreciated. Because I am always there. I appear to be providing the time because that is my duty. I am synonomous with time. I am spent. let me drop the analogy. you get my point. I actually spent more than 30 hours on tuitions last week. The whole world seems to be busy. I am just jumping on their express train and let the hurried wind dress me up as another busy person. today i wonder about retribution. today i wondered about love and life. I spent so much time on buses that i amassed enough reflection time and ponder my feelings. Loneliness often appear in my company. As he would in the absence of others. we had many a good chat. With him playing the attentive listener. And I the woed patient who needs one listening ear....