Recovery

I spent Thursday night and Friday morning waiting for a call I hope would either never come or just come as quickly as possible. It would be the call that announced the passing away of my grandmother. The doctors did not give her much of a chance after she was warded for respiratory failure. Her carbon dioxide was escalating and she could not breathe properly. I received the news stoically. It was with a certain sense of inevitability that the whole family took the news. There were not many red eyes, though I think that would come later. As of now, her will to live overcame her ailing lungs and I really hope she pulls through it. With a suspected pneumonia that could be the precipitating cause of her breathing difficulties, and now she has fought to gain more time, she could win the battle against the pneumonia. She was in a stupor on thurday due to the excessive carbon dioxide buildup, but today when I visited her she recognized me.

Life can just change in that split second. Earlier this month, the rest of the family were planning to celebrate her 92nd birthday. The sms reminder was sent to my dad's phone. On thursday, a crying cousin called me to say that my gran could not make it. Just today, I phoned home and told my parents that things are looking decidedly brighter. Clear her lungs and she would be able to breathe properly on her own again. Right now, she is on BiPAP. I was certainly never very close to my gran. After all she had given up the privilege to take care of me when I was young. Most of the other grandchildren were left with her so that their parents could work. However I still held her hand today and reassured her that she would get well. I will take her out for a meal once she gets out of hospital.

Sometimes it can be scary taking responsibility. Now most of my relatives look to me as the representatives of my family. No longer my ageing parents. In a sense maybe my parents do that sometimes. I really do not like the waiting while my gran was comatose. I along with the rest had thought or were thinking when would she breathe her last gasp of air. In recent years, apart from the lessons and postings in the hospitals, I have been visiting them more regularly than I would have liked. There were my dad's stroke, my ahma's final days, my dad's hematemesis and his scheduled trips to the gastroenterologist. I took had to get medications for my mum and dad. Now my gran is also stuck there and that was apart from a few other hospitalisations last few years. CGH, TTSH, NUH. Maybe AH and IMH and I have a complete grandslam already.

Still I pretend to be in control. I speak and the rest of the family would listen. I explained to them the situation and they understood and were grateful. I would monitor my dad's medication and make sure he does not skip them at will. I force him for his biannual scans and pray for the best. I guess it is comes with growing up. I am already so old, so who else do they turn to? Sometimes that is why I like to travel. I just take care of myself and there is nothing I cannot do.
When I get homesick then I would just come home. Maybe that is why I go to Yunnan every year. Maybe that is why I really enjoyed the trip to KL and Japan. Even though I lost my wallet in KL, asking strangers for money was really exciting.

After all if I can take care of 3 people or 4 people, surely I can survive on my own. Go Japan, learn Japanese. With a medical degree, life cannot be too bad I guess. Taiwan is another good destination. Perhaps that thought stem from the fact that despite having all my friends in Singapore and having spent all my life here, I can get bored easily. Some afternoons or nights I would just feel lonely and clueless what should I do. Going to the movies was something I like to do. However now I just feel guilty that I am not studying instead.

Why do I put in so little effort in my studies? There is a reason I guess. Or should it be an excuse? Well, it does not really matter to me because I know in the end I will get the task done. At least that has been the case so far. Perhaps I am still trying to recover from some form of burn out. In the army, on top of my national duties, there were 7 to 9 tuitions per week. I had enjoyed it at that time. Perhaps I just had students who were more fun last time. Then in uni, I really wrecked myself by joining Judo, ODAC and Yunnan. Especially during the second year when I was captain of the club, Chairman of all the martial arts performance, and Yunnan comm. ALways in the background there were 6 to 8 tuitions. Even after giving up everything extra curricular last year, the tuitions stuck. Now when I have the time, I rather just slack.

So I shall stop here for today although I really have alot to say. Over the years, this has still remained my best listening ear. Good nightz. 3 competitions I had to force myself not to join.. a potential 10000 bucks gone. Vday contests are really popular in February and I wonder why. Just could not find anyone to join with me. I could surely do with a nice Goldheart necklace. Yah.. a nice necklace.

A nice necklace...

Just a footnote. If I had typed this on Thursday, my title would surely not have been recovery. Perhaps " The End" ?