I became hypersensitive to even the slightest sound. I became so aware of the silence that I find it droning. It is 4 am in the morning. I have a busy day ahead of me. I should be resting. The pillow seems stiff and the bed uncomfortably warm.
The air is stranggling me.
My eyes have been closed for the past hour but not my mind. Thoughts run across my mind like cars on a busy expressway. Then one of these cars collided with another. I could no longer stand the loud silence and quiet voice in my head.
So I woke up. Lying in bed with my eyes open. Thinking. Now the thoughts seem less pessimestic. I am slightly more conscious and rational.
Then it hit me so fast.I Can't breathe. Need to open my mouth to gasp for air. The world is spinning. I am frightened.
I feel so terribly lonely. There is no one who truly understands why I am afraid. I don't even understand it myself. Perhaps I do but I wish not to acknowledge it. I am a very big person. I am supposed to take on the world and not complain. The harshness and the sadness of life. My success may be greater than some people but my fears are as large and as real.
Should I be afraid of pain. Or should I create pain so that I may feel it?
What is painful? Waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing who you can talk to? Finding it impossible to be the most important person to the most important person in your life? Losing something that contains significant memories?
Felt pain for someone so badly that your heart is about to be crushed? The feeling that one can actually die from heart pain? Yet still wish for the pain not to ease if you may ease the misery of the person?
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