OK , shall write in simple simple english . I am tired tired lorh. very sianz. so late le, still cannot sleep. this supposed to be blog rite, so can anyhow write, singlish mah. me singaporean of coz blog in singlish.
had a few beautiful days this month. go out play play, eat eat, b* w*** x*** z**. eat until i so fat le. at night have difficulty sleeping.
then anyhow write rubbish on my blog. write le then still no use then write again. wahkao.. me loser la.
tml busy ah. morn go eat breakfast. like a pig. then evening go eat buffet coz my fren veron treat me. good la, at least got pple remember my birthday. lemme see. got around ten people remember. and it is quite different from last year's .
say meikhay, jez, basu and elvin remember my birthday for few years liao. the rest? doesn't really matter, i don't even remember other people's birthday. complain so much for wot.
what do i want to say? i also dunno. keep giving tuition until i blur le. every day also need to go out. sit beside someone and do really really simple questions. aiyo.. wake up la. i mean my students. just put in a bit more effort, be more focused .. why keep thinking of the things u enjoy?
i know you don't like studying. I also don't like.
you think i last time jc or secondary school siaoz on ar..sec sch also copy homework and always get single digits for maths wan. but then i realised cannot go on la. people dont trust u if u dont do well in exams. cannot go out and play and have fun. people think u never grow up and u lazy ...
if you really want to enjoy the things u do, then need to buck up le. every day eat shit and sleep wun help u get smarter de. got to give up somethings for a while.
u think i smart ar? my brain different from yo0urs? i wish.
studying is not about getting a certificate. it is kinda like a quest.
like playing a game. some things are just so repetitive. you got to kill so many monsters .. yawnz... before you can increase your level. so same goes for studying.
some people always say they cannot remember what they studied.
you watch movie also can tell me the plot, analyse the characters so thoroughly. you tell me you cannot remember some black and white graffiti?
what do i want in life? i started reading up a bit of my medical books.
not because i kiasu.
because as a doctor i got to be responsible for people. their lives and their health. dont wan to give someone wrong medicine and kill him. so my doctoring has already started. long time ago. when i decided to take my life seriously.
others may not choose the same career. but we are in one way or another responsible to ourselves and those around us. maybe the system is flawed. maybe we are not allowed to do the things we like. but this is life. shit aint happen your way. you cant change things. not unless you can change yourself.
learn to like what you are doing. every moment of your life is yours. not your teachers' or your parents. why be sad over little things or be angry? i don't take things to heart. hardly. because we really do have a choice to be happy or not. that choice lies in how you choose to see the world.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Stirring Pain
I became hypersensitive to even the slightest sound. I became so aware of the silence that I find it droning. It is 4 am in the morning. I have a busy day ahead of me. I should be resting. The pillow seems stiff and the bed uncomfortably warm.
The air is stranggling me.
My eyes have been closed for the past hour but not my mind. Thoughts run across my mind like cars on a busy expressway. Then one of these cars collided with another. I could no longer stand the loud silence and quiet voice in my head.
So I woke up. Lying in bed with my eyes open. Thinking. Now the thoughts seem less pessimestic. I am slightly more conscious and rational.
Then it hit me so fast.I Can't breathe. Need to open my mouth to gasp for air. The world is spinning. I am frightened.
I feel so terribly lonely. There is no one who truly understands why I am afraid. I don't even understand it myself. Perhaps I do but I wish not to acknowledge it. I am a very big person. I am supposed to take on the world and not complain. The harshness and the sadness of life. My success may be greater than some people but my fears are as large and as real.
Should I be afraid of pain. Or should I create pain so that I may feel it?
What is painful? Waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing who you can talk to? Finding it impossible to be the most important person to the most important person in your life? Losing something that contains significant memories?
Felt pain for someone so badly that your heart is about to be crushed? The feeling that one can actually die from heart pain? Yet still wish for the pain not to ease if you may ease the misery of the person?
The air is stranggling me.
My eyes have been closed for the past hour but not my mind. Thoughts run across my mind like cars on a busy expressway. Then one of these cars collided with another. I could no longer stand the loud silence and quiet voice in my head.
So I woke up. Lying in bed with my eyes open. Thinking. Now the thoughts seem less pessimestic. I am slightly more conscious and rational.
Then it hit me so fast.I Can't breathe. Need to open my mouth to gasp for air. The world is spinning. I am frightened.
I feel so terribly lonely. There is no one who truly understands why I am afraid. I don't even understand it myself. Perhaps I do but I wish not to acknowledge it. I am a very big person. I am supposed to take on the world and not complain. The harshness and the sadness of life. My success may be greater than some people but my fears are as large and as real.
Should I be afraid of pain. Or should I create pain so that I may feel it?
What is painful? Waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing who you can talk to? Finding it impossible to be the most important person to the most important person in your life? Losing something that contains significant memories?
Felt pain for someone so badly that your heart is about to be crushed? The feeling that one can actually die from heart pain? Yet still wish for the pain not to ease if you may ease the misery of the person?
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Why getting dumped feels like it does
Researchers are analysing brian images from 17 young men and women who recently were dumped by their lovers. The investigators have noticed one preliminary finding: increased activation in an area of the brain related to the region associated with passionate love. " It seems to suggest what psychological literature, peotry and people have long noticed: being dumped actually does heighten romantic love, a phenomenon I call frustration-attraction" said Dr Fisher.
One volunteer in the study suffered through a break-up with her boyfriend 3 years ago. " It had little to do with him, but more with the fact that there was something there, inside myself, a hope, a knowledge that there's someone out there for you, and that you are capable of feeling this way. I felt like that was being lost." she said.
And no wonder. In a series of studies, researchers have found that, among other processes, new love involves psychologically internalising a love, absorbing elements of the other person's opinions, hobbies, expressions and character, as well as sharing one's own. " The expansion of the self happens very rapidly. It is one of the most exhilarating experiences there is." said Dr Aron.
To love all that, all aat once, while still in love, plays havoc with the emotional, cognitive and deeper reward-driven areas of the brain.
But the heightened activity in there areas inevitably settles down. And the circuits in the brain related to passion remain intact and capable in time of flaring to life with someone new.
One volunteer in the study suffered through a break-up with her boyfriend 3 years ago. " It had little to do with him, but more with the fact that there was something there, inside myself, a hope, a knowledge that there's someone out there for you, and that you are capable of feeling this way. I felt like that was being lost." she said.
And no wonder. In a series of studies, researchers have found that, among other processes, new love involves psychologically internalising a love, absorbing elements of the other person's opinions, hobbies, expressions and character, as well as sharing one's own. " The expansion of the self happens very rapidly. It is one of the most exhilarating experiences there is." said Dr Aron.
To love all that, all aat once, while still in love, plays havoc with the emotional, cognitive and deeper reward-driven areas of the brain.
But the heightened activity in there areas inevitably settles down. And the circuits in the brain related to passion remain intact and capable in time of flaring to life with someone new.
Love is really a biological Urge
New love can look for all the world like mental illness-- cutting people off from friends and family and prompting compulsive phone calling, serenades and yelling from rooftops, which can almost be mistaken for psychosis.
Now, for the first time, neuroscientists have produced brain scan images of this fevered activity.
In an analysis of the images appearing recently in The Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers in New York and New Jersey argue that romantic love is a biological urge distinct from sexual arousal.
It is closer in its neural profile to drives such as hunger, thirst or drug craving, the researchers assert, than to emotional states such as excitement or affection. As a relationship deepens, the brain scans suggest, the neural activity assoiciated with romantic love alters slightly, and in some cases primes areas deep in the primitive brain that are involved in long-term attachment.
The research helps explain why love produces such disparate emotions, from euphoria to anger to anxiety and why it seems to become even more intense when it is withdrawn.
" When you are in the throes of romatic love, it is overwhelming and you are out of control. "
" And when rejected , some people comtemplate stalking, homicide, suicide. This drive for romantic love can be stronger than the will to live."
In the study, Dr Fisher, Dr Lucy Brown of Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx and Dr Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, led a team that analysed about 2,500 brain images from 17 college studcents who were in the first weeks or months of new love.
They loved at a picture of their beloved while a MRI machine scanned their brains. The researchers then comapred the images with others taken while the students looked at a picture of an acquaintance.
Functional MRI technology detects increases or decreases of blood flow in the brain, which reflect changes in neural activity.
The researchers found that one particular spot in the MRI images was especially active in people who scored highly on a questionnaire measuring passionate love.
This passion-related region was on the opposite side of the brain from another area that registers physical attractiveness and appeared to be involved in longing, desire and the unexplainable tug that people feel towards specific others.
This distinction, between finding someone attractive and desiring him or her, between liking and wanting, is all happening in an area of the mammalian brain that takes care of the most basic functions, such as eating, drinking, eye movements. I don't think anyone expected this part of the brain to be so specialised", said Dr Brown.
Now, for the first time, neuroscientists have produced brain scan images of this fevered activity.
In an analysis of the images appearing recently in The Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers in New York and New Jersey argue that romantic love is a biological urge distinct from sexual arousal.
It is closer in its neural profile to drives such as hunger, thirst or drug craving, the researchers assert, than to emotional states such as excitement or affection. As a relationship deepens, the brain scans suggest, the neural activity assoiciated with romantic love alters slightly, and in some cases primes areas deep in the primitive brain that are involved in long-term attachment.
The research helps explain why love produces such disparate emotions, from euphoria to anger to anxiety and why it seems to become even more intense when it is withdrawn.
" When you are in the throes of romatic love, it is overwhelming and you are out of control. "
" And when rejected , some people comtemplate stalking, homicide, suicide. This drive for romantic love can be stronger than the will to live."
In the study, Dr Fisher, Dr Lucy Brown of Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx and Dr Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, led a team that analysed about 2,500 brain images from 17 college studcents who were in the first weeks or months of new love.
They loved at a picture of their beloved while a MRI machine scanned their brains. The researchers then comapred the images with others taken while the students looked at a picture of an acquaintance.
Functional MRI technology detects increases or decreases of blood flow in the brain, which reflect changes in neural activity.
The researchers found that one particular spot in the MRI images was especially active in people who scored highly on a questionnaire measuring passionate love.
This passion-related region was on the opposite side of the brain from another area that registers physical attractiveness and appeared to be involved in longing, desire and the unexplainable tug that people feel towards specific others.
This distinction, between finding someone attractive and desiring him or her, between liking and wanting, is all happening in an area of the mammalian brain that takes care of the most basic functions, such as eating, drinking, eye movements. I don't think anyone expected this part of the brain to be so specialised", said Dr Brown.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Pain.
I can barely bend my arms. My fingers are not functioning very well. They are sore and tired. BUt i love the pain
when i was at the first 50 push ups, i feel hyped. I began to shout out the counting. at 100 the pain was searing. but memories came flooding back. I love the pain. I want to become stronger. at 150, I just kept doing and shouting and feeling the pain.
Pain pain pain, thanks for the pain, pain reminds me I am still human. I will not give up the pain.
It helped me forget temporarily the heart pain that I was having.. and now it is back
when i was at the first 50 push ups, i feel hyped. I began to shout out the counting. at 100 the pain was searing. but memories came flooding back. I love the pain. I want to become stronger. at 150, I just kept doing and shouting and feeling the pain.
Pain pain pain, thanks for the pain, pain reminds me I am still human. I will not give up the pain.
It helped me forget temporarily the heart pain that I was having.. and now it is back
Friday, June 10, 2005
My Love
The love affair started after JC... I knew KL back then when my friends took me to her. It was a wonderful afternoon, we were sitting beside the road. We ignored the cars and had the world to ourselves.
Recently I have been seeing a lot of KL. Spending very precious moments. Some people would list such moments as the time of their lives. Some of my friends have seen KL before. Some do not agree that she is unique, some finds others they know more significant.
To me, KL is KL. Nothing can supplant her. I am glad to have known her. Next week hopefully I can find time to go and find her. More of that magical moment.
Recently I have been seeing a lot of KL. Spending very precious moments. Some people would list such moments as the time of their lives. Some of my friends have seen KL before. Some do not agree that she is unique, some finds others they know more significant.
To me, KL is KL. Nothing can supplant her. I am glad to have known her. Next week hopefully I can find time to go and find her. More of that magical moment.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Sunrise
No, I am not going to talk about the scenery. I have never been up early enough to catch the sunrise. Someday I am going to make it a point to do it with the person I love.
I just had supper with my secondary school friends. YY and JY just came back from overseas. YY is at Duke while JY is in some French Uni under PSC scholarship. Cool.. The judo guys are pretty smart, 4 are overseas, 3 in medicine and 1 under MOE scholarship. That however is not the point of my blog today. We are so ordinary. We have our biasness and whims. ZX was saying that he doesn't feel like he grew up much. Neither do I. We were pretty much the same in RI. Perhaps I put on weight..and so did a few of them. haha
Our batch mates, two appeared in newspaper for writing stupid things in their blogs. One for racist remarks and another for critisizing his ex-scholarship sponsor. He had broken off from them already. A few are president scholars and doing well in medicine or overseas uni. We began to ponder over the significance of being a general in the army. After all, a lot of our friends are going to get a Star on their shoulders before 45. SOme maybe 2 or 3. I did not see any point in such a career. That is my personal preference.
We agreed that racist remarks are common. Someone must really hate CZ so much to exact such a punishment on him. Jokes are jokes. We are mature enough to know that race aside, a person's worth is not by how his skin is shaded. Still we make jokes about others because we are in the company of friends. Where we know we need not take any responsibility for any nonsense said.
JY spent a term in Boston, another year in London and already has 3 years at France. I would love to travel. I shall do it during my medical years I guess. There is actually nothing so scary about going overseas. Nothing so hard in getting admitted to Harvard Yale or the likes. Come down to it, most of us get paid for studying, chances are there for us to explore the world..Do as the rank of Columbus or ChengHo did.
I must say that not all take on the responsibility with selfless intent. ( interuppted by Diablo 2 urge)
I just had supper with my secondary school friends. YY and JY just came back from overseas. YY is at Duke while JY is in some French Uni under PSC scholarship. Cool.. The judo guys are pretty smart, 4 are overseas, 3 in medicine and 1 under MOE scholarship. That however is not the point of my blog today. We are so ordinary. We have our biasness and whims. ZX was saying that he doesn't feel like he grew up much. Neither do I. We were pretty much the same in RI. Perhaps I put on weight..and so did a few of them. haha
Our batch mates, two appeared in newspaper for writing stupid things in their blogs. One for racist remarks and another for critisizing his ex-scholarship sponsor. He had broken off from them already. A few are president scholars and doing well in medicine or overseas uni. We began to ponder over the significance of being a general in the army. After all, a lot of our friends are going to get a Star on their shoulders before 45. SOme maybe 2 or 3. I did not see any point in such a career. That is my personal preference.
We agreed that racist remarks are common. Someone must really hate CZ so much to exact such a punishment on him. Jokes are jokes. We are mature enough to know that race aside, a person's worth is not by how his skin is shaded. Still we make jokes about others because we are in the company of friends. Where we know we need not take any responsibility for any nonsense said.
JY spent a term in Boston, another year in London and already has 3 years at France. I would love to travel. I shall do it during my medical years I guess. There is actually nothing so scary about going overseas. Nothing so hard in getting admitted to Harvard Yale or the likes. Come down to it, most of us get paid for studying, chances are there for us to explore the world..Do as the rank of Columbus or ChengHo did.
I must say that not all take on the responsibility with selfless intent. ( interuppted by Diablo 2 urge)
They broke up
I wanted to write about a hilarious thing that happened to DUDE in my last post. But I did not have the time. Before I knew it, they have broken up yesterday. Good lUck to them.
:d
That day, he borrowed my phone to make calls to his girlfriend. I am on the side of the guy. I did advise the guy to give it up if it is not making both parties happy. Plenty to talk about but I do not wish to drag it here now. The hilarious thing was I dialed the number as he read to me. I heard wrongly and actually input a wrong digit.
No one realised it at that time and I passed the phone to him. He took it, got through and walked away for 15 minutes. I was shouting to him: " I am sorry for your leg, does it still hurt? I shouldnt have threw you so hard. " In order to gain sympathy from his girlfriend on the other side of the phone.
15 minutes later, he walked back to us and complained that it was a misdial. We were baffled as to why he to0ok so long to realised. Actually when he got through, the girl heard me shouting that his leg is injured and I guess she was more concerned about his leg and did not realise she did not know him. She actually asked about his condition..With much concern.
So it was only until when he asked her to go out for DINNER with us that she asked for his name.
He was unable to differentiate the girl's voice from his girlfriend's . Guess he was extremely stressed as his girlfriend had been pissed with him for not answering her phone> It was not even his fault, he was my throwing sack! During training how could he have heard the ringing?
She msged him thrice: Call me now, Call me, I am pissed and Don't bother to call. Or something to that extent.
The girl he wrongly called actually showed more concern and sympathy towards him.
What is right and what is wrong?
Love.
I will never understand!
:d
That day, he borrowed my phone to make calls to his girlfriend. I am on the side of the guy. I did advise the guy to give it up if it is not making both parties happy. Plenty to talk about but I do not wish to drag it here now. The hilarious thing was I dialed the number as he read to me. I heard wrongly and actually input a wrong digit.
No one realised it at that time and I passed the phone to him. He took it, got through and walked away for 15 minutes. I was shouting to him: " I am sorry for your leg, does it still hurt? I shouldnt have threw you so hard. " In order to gain sympathy from his girlfriend on the other side of the phone.
15 minutes later, he walked back to us and complained that it was a misdial. We were baffled as to why he to0ok so long to realised. Actually when he got through, the girl heard me shouting that his leg is injured and I guess she was more concerned about his leg and did not realise she did not know him. She actually asked about his condition..With much concern.
So it was only until when he asked her to go out for DINNER with us that she asked for his name.
He was unable to differentiate the girl's voice from his girlfriend's . Guess he was extremely stressed as his girlfriend had been pissed with him for not answering her phone> It was not even his fault, he was my throwing sack! During training how could he have heard the ringing?
She msged him thrice: Call me now, Call me, I am pissed and Don't bother to call. Or something to that extent.
The girl he wrongly called actually showed more concern and sympathy towards him.
What is right and what is wrong?
Love.
I will never understand!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
A dude and his Girlfriend
My judo grading is this saturday. However, I began training for it only Yesterday. NOrmally people will take 3MONTHS to train for a grading. It is alright though, I am experienced afterall.
How fallen would I be if I fail this grading.
That apart, I dragged 3 friends down yesterday to NUS sports hall to train with me. Lets call the guy Mr X and the two girls V and L. We ended up having a royal rumble. 4 of us trying to push one another out of the demarcated zone. Yet I suppose it was more of 3 to 1. All against Me. So I went on the offensive and dragged and ran L out of the zone. Resistance is futile.
How fallen would I be if I fail this grading.
That apart, I dragged 3 friends down yesterday to NUS sports hall to train with me. Lets call the guy Mr X and the two girls V and L. We ended up having a royal rumble. 4 of us trying to push one another out of the demarcated zone. Yet I suppose it was more of 3 to 1. All against Me. So I went on the offensive and dragged and ran L out of the zone. Resistance is futile.
I finally read the card.
Thinking about the card at this time. I would want to say thank you to the person who sent me the card.
我没忘记，我们说过要有永恒的友谊。
唱着歌曲，我们分享默契与欢喜。
背负行李，带走的是不一样的自己，
在孤单里，只要有你不会孤寂。
开始熟悉就像戏剧，结果还是分离。
远去这片温软土地， 说不出的思恋在眼底。
朋友来来去去，少了我也没有关系，
多了你生活却变得更美丽，
世界无穷大要走的路会艰巨
天涯任我行记得你走在一起。
朋友来来去去，有了你就应该珍惜，
珍惜了不代表永远不会失去。
就算有一天你把我名字忘记，
记得年少时我们分享的一切，不可惜。
Have a great time in China. Hope you don't fall too sick.
Now I am losing sleep le. Yawnz
Thinking about the card at this time. I would want to say thank you to the person who sent me the card.
我没忘记，我们说过要有永恒的友谊。
唱着歌曲，我们分享默契与欢喜。
背负行李，带走的是不一样的自己，
在孤单里，只要有你不会孤寂。
开始熟悉就像戏剧，结果还是分离。
远去这片温软土地， 说不出的思恋在眼底。
朋友来来去去，少了我也没有关系，
多了你生活却变得更美丽，
世界无穷大要走的路会艰巨
天涯任我行记得你走在一起。
朋友来来去去，有了你就应该珍惜，
珍惜了不代表永远不会失去。
就算有一天你把我名字忘记，
记得年少时我们分享的一切，不可惜。
Have a great time in China. Hope you don't fall too sick.
Now I am losing sleep le. Yawnz
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