Substance is ethereal while void is eternal.

I shall be smarter than those who are more handsome than me.
I shall be more handsome than those who are stronger than me.
I shall be stronger than those who are faster than me.
I shall be faster than those who are smarter than me.
Hence I will be the smartest, most handsome, strongest and fastest person!
Now I feel like a concert has ended. How deeply the concert stirred me, can now be clearly felt as the constrast made me lonely.

Non Mihi Solum

The dinner has ended. A chapter has just been marked with a fullstop. Dreams, knowledge, fun, rebelliousness, tears, fear and many of those agonies and joys we experience on our way up have been summarized. Of coz, truly those memories will forever remain in our hearts, ready to be expanded at will and to be revisited or explored again.
My first encounter with Anderson was during my secondary sch days. Alwyas the sleepy head, I had overslept on the train, missing the Bishan stop. When I did wake up, I was past Yio Chu kang.when I did take the train back.. I took in the full aerial view of Anderson Jc. It had a warmth attached to the sight. (Of coz, during 1998 - 1999, there were two pretty ajc girls taking the same train at the same time as I.. or was it moi deliberate plan to catch the train at that precise moment? Hence moi jc choices naturally included AJc)
ok let me get to the point which I cant barely suppress. Non Mihi Solum. not for myself alone. Tonight, I felt the spirit of Ajc. I did not witness any miracle acts, did not hear any galliantry deeds or charity accounts. But among the 1500 people seated within that same dining room, I had sense a bond.. a bond that tells of love, of kindness and of giving and sharing.
Call it a sixth sense. I wish very strongly tonight that I had added sparks and glitter to the lives of those around me. Ajcians or not. I am sure I did. Yet tonight with the guidance of the words, non mihi solum. i realised it is not so much of a matter of whether I did, but whether I can do more.
Yes , in my capacity I am sure I can do so much more for those around me. I can reach out to people out of my life, but as long as my extended touch can brighten up their lives, it is something I should do, in the true spirit of Non Mihi Solum.
An envelope calling for donations was handed out to all. I put much of what was in my wallet into it. I took one home. Telling myself. One day I shall have a cheque inside it with more than 5 zeros perhaps.
Of coz it is not the amount that matters. It is what I can do within my abilities. I suddenly have this plan, next year, I shall volunteer to help tutor AJcians in maths chem and physics. taking two evenings or a sat afternoon to return to AJ. To that place which I can devotedly call my home. To help those who in turn will be able to help others just because I exhibited the spirit of aj. A spirit that lives in all of us the moment we are in Ajc. Doesnt matter we are here voluntarily or not, it is a magical quality because no explanations can be found for its existence. I shall try moi best to contribute yearly to the ajc funds, and iin future after I become a doctor, I shall think of new ways to carry on this spirit of Non mihi Solum. As for now,
I shall devote wot meagre time and strength I have into laying down the very fundamental building bricks of AJ : the students and the spirit.
As a footnote.. plenty of those ex ajcians who are past their 30s are out of shape. the women are still eye catching.. it is the guys. who are carrying pouches of fats ahead of them, their hair making way for the thinking cap and their shoulders shrinking to the size of a walnut.
I shall maintain a fit and compact body, comparable to the limits of moi mind.. I shall retain moi radiant and dashing appearance.. if not enhance it even more.
Ten years down the road. We shall see.

Jane lost her wallet.
There are thieves in the world. How horrifying.
How perfect would it be, if only trust and harmony exists.

I shall sidetrack for a while. Jane.. what a wonderful name.
think in the Emergency room. Say someone who is unidentified is brought into the room. Just to take care of the adminstrative process, the nurses put the unknown person's name as Jane Doe on the chart.

Ok . Shit happens. I shall not be high note about it. There are plenty of scums out there.
Some people deserves a second chance.
Most dont. i wonder what should we do. How should we deal with the theif if we catch him?
Surely he will plea for leniency. Shall we give him a chance?
I have no answer to that .
Anyway Jane must be very upset... kinda this stabbing in the heart that why ......must this happen. Hhaha had I done some thigns differently, like came back 5 mins earlier.. or not gone to work.. then my wallet would still be with me.
So I guess the wallet is still gone after so many questions.
As usual, I cant bear to let Jane be unhappy. I shall treat her to a 100 bucks worht of chocolates.. movies and icecreams. Of coz i have plenty of jokes to share with her and bring a smile to her.
Of coz even in ordinary conversation, I am sure I can make her giggle or laugh. haha Perhaps that is my gift. Not much spare money around in my wallet. But plenty of stuff inside my head. And I can make people happy. Make them laugh and spread that warmth across the whole person.
:D
Of coz sometimes even the most valiant attempts seem lame.
then i just have to tell her this neverfailing joke about this dumb guy who thought 'moby dick' is




some kind of infectious sexual disease.

All of life contained within that sphere of radius 18cm

What should I write? I am living life with such impact that I may do away with the need for a blog. there would be no need for me to lock episodes of my life away on this virtual universe.
Yet since I had started this blog, I shall not see it waste away.
Came across a very meaningful phrase today.
Mount Everest.
This may be the most famous mountain on Earth. Some had thought it links heaven and earth. And to scale it would be considered a incredible endevour of mankind. A kind of wrestling match with the physical world. The world never loses. If you may hold it to a stalemate..That would be a triumph in its right. Perhaps when mankind challenges inanimate objects, we are actually up against ourselves.
OUr opinions of our own worth and the actuality of confirming or denying that worth.
So the tallest mountain naturally attracts plenty of challengers. This guy called Moyan( cant really rem his name) tried to climb it thrice. Eventually losing his life on the third attempt. However, it is the spirit of his unwaverness that I admire.
When asked after his second shot at the mountain, why is he trying to climb such a hostile mountain.
He simply replied : because it is there.
Yes because it is there.
I identify this fire within myself. On thursday , I had witness my juniors overcoming their arch rivals of six years to win the national title. Raffles agaiinst Hwa Chong, that has been the case for more than a decade. Why is winning so important? Why is bringing glory to the school such an honorable task that many spend most of their teenage years sweating blood and tears just to fulfil this task?
I was such a soul before. I guess given the right opportunities in future, I would not hesitate to sacrifice for a cause that I do not understand but just because it is there.
I am so proud of those who commit themselves to the causes in their lives. I am happy that we won. 3 out of 4 times in the past years. Yet i am in no way ashamed when we had lost. The match may be decided in 20 minutes. A whole year of training,agony and suffering to be determined in less than an hour. Maybe it is a travestry. But that is life. No second chances. You win, you win and that is history. The same goes for losing.
I shall be proud of those who try . Those who are willing to stick their necks out, to have their hearts accelerate to the pace where the thumping may even be heard, to have their muscles strained so much that you can feel the pain in the bones. The results I would say becomes peripheral.
But that hunger for victory and triumph should always be present.
I shall say I want to win.

Had read in a book. The character had set his starting point as perfection and work from there.

Music

I just got a shock. I am in a dark room, save for the computer screen in front of me. I had watched two horror movies a while ago. and my phone vibrated, no sound because of the silent mode. It rattled against the table. It shook my nerves.
haha Boy, i am looking forward to next monday where I would be totally free in the afetrnoon. It has been a while since I visited the karaoke! SO i shall go and exercise my vocal chords. I am not a great singer. In fact I sound pretty awful most of the time. Because I have no sense of beat or rhythm. But I just enjoy music. I love emil chau's songs.

Beautiful .

Blogging is beautiful. Just as how attractive the mind is when most active, a blog is a captured still from that attractive mind.
Even if you record down the worst of your days, they might seem special when u look back upon them. Or when someone else chances upon your work and realised that someone is actually having a tougher time out there.
K i am the ever-optimist! Life always has some luminous side to it even in the darkest of the nights. Why do I mention that today?
Why are thoughts like darkest nights, worst of days flashing across the field of my mind? I have no idea. Perhaps I have been through such days, such unpredictable and despondent times that now I know how to treasure even that weak trace of light or freedom.
Just some thoughts about those who devalue life. Those who attempt to throw life away just because they thought suffering would end with their ending of their lives.
It was a valuable lesson last thursday. Exactly a week from now. The guy who tried to commit suicide is still in IMH, Institute of mental health. I had told him or rather i had concurred with him that maybe all misery to oneself ends with the last breath. The moment when consciousness is lost irreversibly, all feelings of pain are gone. Yes dying might be a solution to one's suffering.
I am not a believer in the divine. I do look up to someone out there. Some one who watches over me and I love who ever created this whole world for me. BUt i am more of a scientist. Becoz i have yet to see or hear or touch the impossible, I chose to think that death is the end of it all. SO if i feel pain now, I can choose not to feel it, just by dying.
Yet is that what existence is all about? is pain really that horrible? is fear really that threatening? Many may think that i have been leading a sheltered life, a smooth sailing life, with success lurking at every corner and fortune smiling at me at every turn. What do i noe abt fear of the future? of failure and desperation? The truth is I might noe more abt them than you can imagine.
Not everyone is destined to live out his or her dreams. Because dreams are boundless, the sky is not the limit, dreams are euphoric, utopic in nature. Hence when we dream , we subconsciously promise ourselves that we must attain that pagoda of estacy. No, many people's dreams are way too high, too shrouded beneath the clouds, whether they are fair weather clouds or thunder clouds.
I too failed in a dream. A dream of which I clearly knew I had the potential and I did achieve it. Yet only to have time snatched away from me and my potential wasted. Or maybe I should not say that time was snatched away from me. Instead, I had squandered it away, had been foolish enuf to think that noone is my match and that I was beyond all rules .
Back to dreams, perhaps the only way to live dreams for many people would be to dream less, to have more life-like qualities in our dreams. To base it upon objective abilities and not imaginary ones. To live them in many small dreams so that each are equally attainable and yet sum to a big dream that one step alone would be insufficient to reach.
My advice to the guy, yes if u are convicned that your existence has been marred by a mistake and that you are suffering, death would stop it. Definitely. I do not noe about the punishments of such an act when viewed religiously. But i believe that yes death is an end. Not a release. Definitely not. Because you do not get freed, no sudden appearance of a large meadow when you run wild and unshackled. No such release. And the moment you choose to end your suffering, you end it for yourself. BUt as with the conservation of mass or energy, sufferings may go from you onto another person. And that would be your next of kins.
I did not say in such fanciful terms. I had simply said, your death is going to sadden your parents tremendously . ANd we do not live our lives solely for ourselves. It is an interconnection. you are going to leave behind broken hearts, hearts that never stop bleeding.
Stand up. Be brave. The world may trap you, everyone may be against you. BUt that is because they are stronger than you. Just like when the Nazis were in power, when the japanese were in power, they killed plundered and pilfered . There was no way out. But that is because they were stronger.
People slip, the world slips. You may be oppressed, you may be tormented by the world. Not physically, not directly. BUt in the form of social pressure. The expectation the world or society have of people whose voices were not heard when these expectations were decided.
So become stronger. Learn to live with it. Understand it totally. And build up your character day by day, let every apparently insignificant tasks be a step in your training. So that as you become stronger, take notice of when slips occur and make your break when the time is right. That is the only way to survive.
The only solution to suffering. Because only with survive can we find happiness. The whole point of suffering is not to end it. But to turn it into happiness, into a part of your memory, into a factor that contributes to a life that you waant.

Squeezing every moment out of my life

I just started a diary
A real one, not like this electronic diary where I embellish only when I have the time.
I keep the real diary with me all the time, or at least I try to make it a point to do so.
life is keeping me so busy that I hardly have enuf memory to kep track of my whereabouts in the next minutes.
I guess my plans to study will be badly disrupted. Not to say that i cant continue to read the books. However.. it takes plenty of self discipline. haha I must be reading on the bus... during my lunch time and dinner time and so on!
i hate waking up early
I totally abhor it. It sucks big time. Ever since Ibegan my nusery.. i had to wake up at 6 almost every day.
and let me tell the whole world.
It sucks big time.
I am falling asleep on buses..
i am falling asleep and drooling on mrt.
The best way to wake up would be to have the sun shine on yu r big fat ass.

Hold my hand... I am not part of the mad mad world.

Compassion remains a very important thing in the society today. An important virtue but yet gradually forgotten because we are blinded to the needs of others. Most of us are caught in the pursuit of high ideals, that the most basic virtues are sometimes neglected or overshadowed by dignity or professionalism.
What ever.
So yesterday night was one of the most interesting nights I had. Straight to the point.
I heard the commotion at 10pm. This guy S had barged into the medical centre, his friend and an instructor were trying to restrain him.
There were a lot of shouting and screaming from the 3 of them.
My immediate thoughts were : oh damn it! i am f*cked! Why must it happen tonight? I had no idea wat was going of. But looking at the trio, one guy waving his fist and shouting hysterically at the other two..
Of coz any self doubt and shock were concealed as I ran towards the 3 of them trying to make sense of what was happening.
S had sat down on the ground, sobbing and screaming that he does not wish to go detention barracks, he still wishes to go uni, to go to work.
A case of desperation it seems. Stressed out by the unfeeling system. Or a system that is neutral, but because of imbeciles around, unfeeling and non-thinking chaps just trying to make a living.
On closer look, his wrist had multiple cuts across, non were fatal, no blood spurting out, it appears his will to live remains somewhat intact. He may be violent, but I am sure I can overcome him.
In such a scenario, intuition tells me he listens to reason. I can help him, behind those eyes filled with hot tears, behind those waving arms and above all his shouting and screaming, maybe he is trying to tell the world he needs help.
Had i realli felt that way or was it just retrospection fixing up fragments of my memories?
I went to him and grabbed him, not in a menacing sense, but like a friend, someone who cares for him.. who is worried that he is injured.. who is trying to stop him from hurting himself.
My judo training made my first attempt largely successful. Before he could react, I had my left hand on his upper left forearm and the other hand across his back on his right arm. A sort of embrace, taking him into my arms.
I whispered in a hushed but firm manner : what is happening? I am here to help you, you are safe now.
The exact words were lost, left in the darkness of the night. I had said so much assuring words that their exact order were impossible to be recalled.
I look at his arm.. I told him. You are hurt, let me help you. I told him, I will protect you, I will keep those people who are trying to hurt you away from you.
My friend C was still sleeping away. Despite the commotion, he had chosen to continue with his sleep. May the world perish, he was thinking. And his sleep is of the highest importance.
I had to shake him out of his slumber. Told him to get me gauze and what is necessary for bandaging S's wounds.
And guess what he got for me? Exactly what I had told him.. gauze and nothing else. He had expect me to sterilize the wounds with my saliva and wrap up his arm with my skin it seems.
What an unbelievable idiot.
I had to get the centrimide, WOW bandage and scissors myself. I was too involved at that time to get pissed of. Matter at hands were more important.
S had tried banging his head against the wall. And I stoppd him. using my hand as the shock absorber. i asked him what was wrong? No one is going to send him to DB. HE is safe. I will help him
it is my role to help him and no one will be allowed to hurt him.
By now he had shrunken and sat against the wall. Muttering incoherent stuff.
Muttering stuff like the demon is in them, lonewolf is coming. In order to kill lonewolf , I had to kill him. He asked for needles and knife, for anything that can help him end his life. the world is coming to an end.
It was an outburst common to most people. Like a child who is throwing tantrums... maybe i am over simplifying things. but he does resemble one.. except that coming from an adult.. especially one that had just cut his wrist repeatedly and had assualted his friends and instructors.. it seemed diabolical and terrifying.
someoen thought i had calmed him down. and offered him a cup of water. He promptly threw the cup onto the ground, claiming that the water is poisonous.
By then I had realised what was wrong with him. But of coz, if i had outrightly made it known. He would just continue with his actions and maybe resort to more drastic actions.
He was stressed out, no doubt, he had thought of many alternatives.. to his problem but none seem feasible. So this was one last desperate measure.. This is a calculated move.. but despite saying that, you would have to lose certain control of your mind in order to act that crazy.
I had said so many assuring words to him. Asked him if Dr chris cheok or Bosco lee or Ang was his psychiatrist? Was he seeing any doctor, who does he wish to see right now?
I assured him countless of times..finally managed to convince him to go with me to a nearby medical centre where there is a attending doctor around.
His instructors were afraid him might jump off the ambulance.. but yet they were wwary of him.. afraid that he might just attack them.
SO I sat beside him.. of coz i would want to sit beside him. I had established myself as a friend of his.. maybe not a friend but the only trustworthy person apparent in those circumstances.

Etched upon my mind --- a fish burger

Yes, a fish burger. Something that is gripped with extreme intensity by my left hand. It had turned cold. Left undevoured long after it had left the sizzling pan. Cold and lumpy.
The reason for this blog, an ordinary fishburger that was meant to satisfy an ordinary hunger had taken on a new meaning. Orginally intended for my dinner, it now became the reward of which I had rightfully earned after ensuring another poor, itchy and red soul returns home safely and soundly.
Dinner has become a rarity . My hectic schedule does not allow the luxury of sitting down at dusk and replenish the drained soul in me. Usually a bun on a bus or a stick of grilled meat would be what comes closest to dinner. As had been the past 3 days. Tuitions after tuitions, rushing from one place to another.
Of coz I must not be complaining. After all was it not myself that had decided squeeze every single minute out of my free time? SO that the devil has no playground available in me. Yes, I must admit depsite the tiring schedule, I do enjoy this sort of lifestyle. Comforted by the fact that If i were not spending it constructively, I would be spending it destructively. Maybe not self destructive, but enough damage caused to my pockets and wallet.
As i am typing, a voice captured my attention. I decided to cease the typing.
I was momentarily enchanted by the music of Chen Qi Zhen. The meaning of your travels. That is the title of the song.