In a beat of the heart

A new beginning

2010-06-20T09:10:00.004-06:00

It has been over a year since I last blogged. Life has been good to me.

Let us talk about Chelsea. The season that gone by saw them win a historic double with Ancelotti having been in his first season abroad. The team was impressive in scoring over 100 goals and defeating the rest of the top 4 while also won against Tottenham, the 4th place incumbent, at Stamford bridge.

I have always not believed that Juliano Belleti is a quality or versatile player. His sending off during the Manchester City game further depletes any remaining store of confidence I have in him. So he is leaving us for Brazil is only good news to me. That would free up a space in Midfield to bring in some quality replacement.

What I did not expect was to release Ballack and Joe Cole when both players are willing to continue to the Bridge albeit for a huge cost. Ballack's leadership and tactical nous are qualities which endear him to me.

Yet the fact that he has ended up more than 13 times on the losing finalist side shows something is missing from his game. Also he was directly in front of Iniesta during last season's champions league when Iniesta took that ill-fated swing to land the ball into Petr Cech's goal. Ballack ducked instead of rushing to close him down.

Joe Cole did not recover his form of Mourinho's second season and has paid the price for living on reputation gone by. Perhaps the next casualty of the cull from the club would be Deco. Even at the world cup he is a pale imitation of his Barcelona persona. So at 33 years old, his departure will allow Chelsea to either bring in worldclass players or exciting young talents.

Let us review the team and the formation that Chelsea deploys. With that and the list of existing personnels we can then decide what players are needed for the coming season to launch another assault at the Champions League trophy.

We play a 4-3-3 , or a 4-1-2-2-1 or 4-5-1. So 4 defenders with one holding midfielder and a target man is absolutely important. Also we play better when our wingers are on fire and can drag opposition wide to create space for Lamps and Drogba.

In goal we have Cech, Turnbull and Hilario. Adequate cover provided that Hilario stop impersonating clowns during games against Man City.

2009-05-24T12:02:00.001-06:00

Good night. Last entry.

2009-05-23T09:45:00.002-06:00

shit stupid suggestion stupid..
dont ask from her. She cannot give means cannot give.. can give me love and concern just like in the past.. she would have done so. to do so now is just out of pity. I am rambling again.
why do people read my blog.. and then come and say i am emotional. or rather become concern and ask me whats wrong. is not everything clearly explained here.

yah if i ask her to show more concern now.. to be normal like few years ago .. then what if everythign goes pear shaped after exams. shit shit shit cannot cannot . keep it quiet. shall dismantle this blog soon so no one can see inside my soul. pls. this sounds really incoherent.
so unlike me. people will think i have lost it.

no good can come out of it. must act normal. must be like everyone else. mask my emotions. when i talk, look at people in the eye. smile when the jokes are shared and show concern for their problems. eat properly. tell them i sleep at 10pm and wake at 7 am. I am normal and not getting schizophrenic.

two more weeks

2009-05-23T09:20:00.005-06:00

Today was a good day. This week was a good week. Because I did not press her too much. Because I did not give her much stress. I know now that she is working so she would not have time to check my blog and I do not want her to know how much I need her.

Anyway it feels good to be around her. It feels as good to be around pandas. Going to East Coast cycling feels good also. If she needs space and time, 1 year 2 years i will give them to her. 10 years, my heart will be still be hers. But this is really quite a bad time to not love me. haha How about never ? But of coz i need to understand her and give her what she needs. But maybe two more weeks of concern to ask from her? Two more weeks of normality? haha just to help me last through this period? No.. I am scared to ask from her because that will give her more pressure and drive her further away.

Nevermind about that. Shall perservere. Shall be patient. Shall endure the bad feelings and emotions and concentrate on the good memories. Shalll drive away the fear. Most importantly shall concentrate on my books. Although it is not working, but I will try. I hope no one reads this post because I do not wish for any one to be overduly concerned.

Anyway yah, hope to be able to sleep well today. Maybe at 4 or 5am. There are two nice songs which I will just listen to over and over again.

对你的思念是一天又一天
孤单的我还是没有改变
美丽的梦何时才能出现
亲爱的你好想再见你一面
秋天的风一阵阵的吹过
想起了去年的这个时候
你的心到底在想些什么
为什么留下这个结局让我承受
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
在我最需要你的时候
没有说一句话就走
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过......
那样的爱情也是会让人难过到流泪的

想起我不完美
你会不会逃离我生命的范围
想着你的滋味
我会不会把这个枕头变得甜美*
想起白天的约会
忘了晚上的咖啡
只怕感情如潮水
远离我梦中的堡垒
一个人失眠全
世界失眠
无辜的街灯守候明天
幸福的失眠
只是因为害怕闭上眼
如何想你想到六点
如何爱你爱到终点
一个人失眠
全世界失眠
幸福的失眠
只是因为害怕闭上眼
如何想你想到六点
如何爱你爱到终点
如何爱你爱到终点
想起我的时候
你会不会好像我一样不能睡
想像你的暧昧
我会不会数不到绵羊一双一对
想起白天的约会
忘了晚上的咖啡
只怕感情如潮水
远离我梦中的堡垒

2009-05-20T08:24:00.001-06:00

Email KDK a picture of any old KDK fan, together with your name and contact number.Pix selected will win a brand new KDK fan model P30KH.
Target Email: sales@capital.com.sgSubject Header: Pic Of The Month ContestRequired Particulars: Name & Contact Number
remember to join

2009-05-20T08:20:00.002-06:00

Step 1: Simply write a blog post on “The things I want to do with my family!” (It can be activities you want to do with your members that they never took an interest in or no time for!)
Step 2: Sign off with, “Start planning for your own Family Day Out on 30 May 2009! Visit www.nfc.sg!”
Step 3: Submit your permalink to family@nuffnang.com, with your full name and contact details.

Ok let me remind myself to join this when i have the time.

anyway I hope to give her time.. and space..
i feel very lost without the usual "love love" and "dear" and "muackz" in my phone...
will they ever come back?
what will be will be..
easier said then done...

Let me try to sleep.

2009-05-16T16:51:00.002-06:00

At 6.51am, I still cannot sleep. The moment I lie down in bed, my heart will hurt while my head goes into overdrive. I am tempted to use alcohol to relieve my consciousness. But then again, I do not have any handy bottles around. The ones I have at home are large 1liter bottles or expensive XO and VSOPs. Perhaps I can get some dormicum from the school doctor. Nah, I will not really do that.

Now another thought,, since if we can be good friends, why not tell me what is going on in your mind? What do the words on FB mean? Do they apply to me? To you? or to another person? Afterall, we write on FB wall, it is just another way to convey a message to someone. Who is it?

I have a tuition at 11am later. I need the sleep. Today I have to study many systems. Breasts, urinary tract, reproductive system and so on. For monday's tutorial. What do I do now at 7am? ok... I am just writing down what is on my mind.

I remember telling xiaoyun before, if i am the guy you love, everything I give you or do for you would be meaningful for you. If not, they are just nothing. Eventually if you do not love me, your happiness will matter more than my happiness to you.

I guess I should just postpone my tuition.

2009-05-16T14:49:00.000-06:00

Because I love you more than I love myself.

Time to sleep

2009-05-16T14:39:00.003-06:00

I have just finished watching the show. 40 episodes of tears and laughter. Of warmth and family ties. And much more. A recurring theme is that of love and promise. There is also betrayal and rivalry. It is simply too exciting. I am glad that everyone has a happy ending in that show.

If you truly love someone, you would want the person to be happy. Regardless of whether the person ends up with you or not. So I will give my blessings and do my best to make who ever I love happy. Without asking for anything in return.

I need more sleep

2009-05-16T09:15:00.003-06:00

The first day without her love. Sun.

The night always brings with her an unfathomable sadness. Is it the darkness that falls on the world outside my house like a blanket that is sucking away the happiness or is it during the night that I need someone more than ever?

Colin is giving me more pearls of wisdom. There are just so many truths in the world. Even Truths that contradict one another. How do I ever know the truth in her head? I need time for more understanding, maybe.

No point clinging on to the hope of finding the truth. If this goes on, I will soon become neurotic. Why cant the night bring with it daffodils and sunflowers. Birds and bees all dancing through the air and keeping a lonely person like me company?

For four years, I do not need music in my life because I have the tunes of love. Now suddenly all the songs seem to give me meaning. With an eerie accuracy. Anyway besides songs, I need more sleep as well.

What a night. The woman of your dreams appeared. Your pulse raced. Heavy breathing ensued. You do remember it, right? Oh, wait, you were asleep. And that's not all you missed. Under cover of night, sleep floods your veins with age-defying human growth hormone. Sleep raises an army of T cells and sends them into battle against colds and infection. Sleep resets the appetite controls that tell you to not hit the turn signal when you pass a McDonald's. And, of course, sleep helps you above the neck as well as below the belt.
"It stabilizes your waking brain, makes you more alert, and allows you to process information faster," says David Dinges, Ph.D., who studies shut-eye at the University of Pennsylvania. "It helps you remember things and consolidate those memories." You won't get that from a Red Bull. So then why are we engaged in a society-wide experiment in sleep deprivation? Average nightly sleep time during the workweek in the United States is down nearly 20 minutes in the last decade, to six hours and 40 minutes. And men ages 30 to 44 are the worst offenders: Thirty percent of them say they log less than six hours of sleep at night, according to a survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The price you pay for this sleep deficit is more than just lost productivity—your health can suffer too. So wake up! It's time to shed some light on this dark territory.

Successful, driven guys should be good to go on five hours a night: MYTH

True, Napoleon slept four to five hours a night, and Thomas Edison got by on four. But world domination and the lightbulb might have been mere warm-ups had these guys slept more. Sleep scientists estimate that only 10 percent of adults are hardwired to need appreciably less (or more) sleep than the recommended seven to eight hours. And by cheating on sleep, you're limping through life with the cranial equivalent of a torn calf muscle. Scarier still, people who are sleep-deprived often don't even know they've turned into zombies. After dividing 48 volunteers into four sleep regimens—eight, six, four and zero hours a night (a.k.a. torture)—University of Pennsylvania researchers found that the six-hours-a-night group fared as poorly on measures of alertness and memory after two weeks as the no-sleep crew did after 24 hours. But participants in the six-hour group didn't feel very sleepy even when they were performing at their worst. Accumulating a sleep deficit also leads to "microsleeps" while you're awake. "Your brain becomes unstable and will go 'off-line' for half a second," Dinges says. The more sleep-deprived you are, the more frequent and longer the lapses.

Snooze strategy: If you didn't sleep seven to eight hours every night this past week, go to bed this weekend at your regular weekday time, but don't set your alarm clock. Did you rise on Saturday and Sunday at the same time you would have on, say, a Tuesday? Then you may be one of those few people who can sleep less yet remain healthy. The rest of us mere mortals can begin to repay our sleep debt by dozing 10 hours a night on weekends and then sticking to seven to eight hours during the week. Your brain will use this strategy whenever you accumulate a sleep debt, says Ruth Benca, M.D., Ph.D., medical director of the Wisconsin Sleep Center. Otherwise, you want to stay consistent with your sleeping.

The post-lunch bonk can't be avoided: MYTH
Many Europeans scarf down a carb-loaded lunch and then shut down from 1 to 4 in the afternoon. But with unemployment soaring, let's assume a three-hour nap won't play well at the office. If you find yourself entering what amounts to a food coma after lunch, you're probably eating too many carbohydrates in the morning. And what you're not getting enough of is making it worse. "A postlunch crash is a telltale sign of poor nighttime sleep, as is dozing in meetings, theater performances, or similar environments," says Dr. Benca. Not sure if you're experiencing a modest dip or a true crash? Take a minute or two to fill out the Epworth Sleepiness Scale. This online questionnaire is the same one sleep docs use on their new patients.
Snooze strategy: Along with improving your nightly sleep pattern, eat three small meals spaced two hours apart in the morning. Try a protein shake at 7 a.m., two eggs and a small cup of oatmeal at 9, and an apple and a handful of almonds at 11. You'll consume fewer carbohydrates, and you won't be as likely to overeat at lunchtime. In fact, a salad with grilled chicken and avocado on top should be enough to keep your mind focused and your head off the desk all afternoon, says Keith Berkowitz, M. D., medical director of the Center for Balanced Health in New York City.

Waking up at 4 a. m. every day just means I'm an early riser: MYTH
More likely, you—along with 60 million other Americans—have insomnia, an inability to fall or stay asleep. "Insomniacs wake at the slightest disturbance and feel unrefreshed in the morning," says Dr. Benca. Insufficient sleep exposes the sufferer to a litany of performance and health problems. In a study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, researchers found insomniacs were more than twice as likely as normal sleepers to call in sick for long periods.
Snooze strategy: Let's assume that you've already cut back on caffeine. What you want to do is make your sleep more efficient, says W. Christopher Winter, M.D., medical director of the sleep medicine center at Martha Jefferson Hospital in Charlottesville, Va. Dr. Winter likens poor sleep to a bookcase missing a few volumes, representing gaps in your sleep. By going to bed an hour or so later, those gaps won't be as long as or frequent. Soon enough, you should be waking up after the roosters, not before them.
A tiring workout before bed will help me sleep more soundly: MYTH
Regular exercise is one of the best sleep-promoting remedies, but working out late at night risks leaving you wide-eyed in bed. "It's easiest to fall asleep when your core body temperature goes relatively quickly from very warm to very cold," says Dr. Chediak. "After exercise, that cooling process takes four to six hours." It's better to take a hot bath or sauna session close to bedtime. "Anything that raises core body temperature will help get you started on sleep," says Dr. Chediak. He says the cooldown period into the sleep zone following a bath takes just two hours—half that of an exercise session.
Snooze strategy: Work out—but do it first thing in the morning for all-day energy and a quick drift into deep, restful sleep. Studies show that exercise improves sleep as effectively as a class of sleeping pills that includes Restoril and Halcion.
Alcohol can help me sleep at night: MYTH
Only if you equate a good night's sleep with passing out drunk on your girlfriend's sofa. Alcohol messes with the normal sleep cycle, especially the back end of the cycle. "Four hours into sleep, alcohol wears off and leaves you in an excitable state," says Dr. Chediak. You'll sleep lighter, wake more easily, and be hung over when you do wake. After three nights of intoxicated slumber, even the initial knockout punch begins to wane. Dr. Chediak warns of another drawback to using a six-pack as a sleep aid. "Being a muscle relaxant as well as sedative, alcohol can even create sleep apnea symptoms in snorers who don't otherwise have the condition," he says. Unfortunately, liquor is a go-to therapy for many sheep counters, used as often as over-the-counter sleeping pills and more often than prescription sleep meds.
Snooze strategy: Be consistent with your overall schedule and you won't need booze. "Your internal clock is a structure in your brain called the suprachiasmatic nucleus," says Dr. Winter. "To set this clock, eat your breakfast, lunch, and dinner at exactly the same time every day for a week."

Friends are meant to be together for life.

2009-05-15T22:53:00.003-06:00

I have a new friend. I suddenly felt very relieved and happy because I now have friend whom I can trust and love.

Yes love can come in many forms. While yesterday xt said that expectations are hard to adjust because they are so innate, I do agree. Yet they are merely hard to adjust, not impossible. To borrow Nike or issit Adidas? Nothing is Impossible. Perhaps it is more beautiful to love without expecting anything in return. I know I can do it because I have that love. Just like a mother shielding her child in a plane crash or bus accident. Willing to give her whole life just to protect someone she loves.

There was a drastic change of fortune. Just yesterday night, I thought I had lost something important. I remembered how I lost my wallet in KL. I never found it back. But if I had, the feeling of recovery would be amazing. That was how I felt this afternoon at 12.15pm. Even though the wallet is missing some cash probably picked clean by whoever picked it up, the fact is I recovered my most precious wallet. The cash can be put back by my hard work. Crying over the lost money is stupid, why not be thankful that I still have my wallet?

I had many pearls of wisdom this morning. The most precious gifts always turn up in the most unexpected places. Life is just like a river. Just flow along and you are on course for what ever life has in store for you. Grab onto a stone or branch will just be futile and you might even get caught in an eddy.

In friends we trust. I have many whom I know are my true friends. For example sayanee, she will incredibly message me when I am feeling most down. Words of concern and encouragement are worth more than any salary that I can ever pick up. I am ashamed to say that I have not been reciprocating that friendship, when was the last time I was concerned about my JC friends or primary school friends? I am just a selfish starfish.

I know that true friends trust each other, are there for each other and understand each other. Maybe the song "you say it best, when you say nothing at all." applies to true friends. I think I finally realised the meaning of being good friends. I do have many good friends, it is just that I have forgotten about them.

On that topic, I still remember the time where saya went to Mdm Ng to ask her a higher grade for my IPW. She was the only one who got an A, mine was a B. I was really very touched. Those were the good old times, choreographing our stupid hamster dance and making CK impersonate Sim Wong Who? I am absolutely tickled.

Have I ever worried about saya, barry, cl, irwin, anna not being true friends? Lying to me or not feeling the same way? Nope. Just let it be and be together when we have the time. There are important things in life like my pathology supp papers. Like My FREAKING IPPT on the 30th of May. I NEED A RUNNING MATE!!!!! MAybe even a pullup buddy. Let me appreciate the finer things in my life. Including my friend.

PS: yesterday some songs I heard were quite emotional. While they may be made to look like the truth, it really depends on your state of mind. :d
Lets just hope the songs are outdated. :D
太傻

痴痴地想了多少夜
我还是不了解
是什么让我们今天会分别
反正梦都是太匆匆
反正爱只能那么浓
心与感情让它粉碎
飘散在风中
只是为何当初你是不听所有纷纷扰扰流言之中漫天风雨
你会选择了我
只是为何如今我们不顾一切追求真爱坚持底又苦尽甘来
你会放弃了我
再说你也不会懂
心再痛你能做什么
不再将自己深锁错了又错
守住你的承诺太傻
只怪自己被爱迷惑
说过的话已不重要
可是我从不曾忘掉
守住你的承诺太傻
只怪自己被爱迷惑
醉过的心那里去找
对着满满空虚回忆怎么逃

如果你还爱我

我带着一颗疲惫的心走了
我知道自己在你心里已不重要
虽然我们曾经相聚过
也许对于你来说已经没有什么值得回忆
我带着一颗沉重的心走了
我知道自己没有勇气道别离
虽然我们曾经拥有过
但是对于你来说已经没有什么值得回忆
难道早以注定不能真正拥有你
难道我真心付出一切只为了承受孤单和寂寞
我知道你不敢对我坦白
是不要看到我的伤怀
虽然你没有说要离开我
我已经感到你不再属于我
如果你还爱我
你不会对我如此的冷漠
又怎会让我在漫漫长夜独自徘徊
如果你还爱我
你不会对我如此的冷漠
我只能含着眼泪默默的离开

Or did I not lose it?

2009-05-13T12:30:00.001-06:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
LISTEN FOR LOVE
There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to communicate the idea in other words.
We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really, these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'
We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.
Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are expressed insincerely.
An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different.
Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that contains. But it is often there, beneath the surface.
A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.
A daughter comes home way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listen carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. "I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.'
We say I love you in many ways - with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness. Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not listened to the love we have tried to express.
The problem in listening for love is that we don't always understand the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.
The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry. We have to listen for love in those around us.
If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize. Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place, after all.
LOVE is a happy thing.It makes us laugh.It makes us sing.It makes us sad.It makes us cry.It makes us seek the reason why.It makes us take.It makes us give.Above all else it makes us LIVE.

Is your heart with him? Or did I just lose it?

2009-05-13T12:17:00.004-06:00

It is really like a stab to the heart to know that while you are alone you are not lonely. That totally negates the purpose of my existence. Perhaps I am not seeing the big picture. In that case can someone just help me with it? Explain to me patiently. I am at a loss but I am strong. Perhaps it is the greatest insult to be with someone just because you pity the person who cannot live without you.

Anyway I shall put on a brave front. Be happy about the whole thing and just let laughter cover my sorrow. As I always do. I laugh when I am most upset. Already I have shown more emotions than I really wish to throughout the whole of this episode. And I fear I might just cave in again and again. SO let me try to focus on what ELSE that really matters. Let me try.

another

2009-05-13T12:12:00.002-06:00

So what are the many things that are going on in your life right now that were absent before? In the four years together is this really the more trying period? Piano, Internship, tuitions and what else? So is it because of the restrictions I have placed. The strains that still bear the stress till now....? what is going on?

101 questions. and a relief.

2009-05-13T11:46:00.004-06:00

Why is it that when you are alone, you are not lonely? Yet when I am with you, I feel lonely? Will we ever rediscover that eagerness and excitement when it had all started? As usual, I have so many questions but still without an answer.

Just like my previous post, alot of questions but yet no answers.
I wonder if an answer of I love you is enough. What do the words actually mean?I loved you? so I should be loving you now? I think I love you because I never really thought about otherwise?

What we did experience was as true as I know. Yet just like the fireworks, the fleeting brilliance and dazzling fizzles into a nightsky of solitude.

Do I sound like I am whining? I really hope not.

Back to the issue at hand. When do couples ever need to take a break from each other? I do not see my father needing a break from my mother. It is something which I find extremely hard to do. Because if you love someone you would always want to be with that person. Maybe the love is no longer there.

Would it be more benevolent then to acknowledge the fact that love does not exist anymore? Is it really a step forward? How I wish to be a mindreader so I can see for myself what is going through in that head. Because it is out of my depth. Because I only know how to love and how not to love. Never tried to not love when actually I am in love.

So I have expectations. Does true love really mean the lack of need of expectations? I can agree because I can give everything and do everything just for someone I love. Without needing anything back. Yet when you put true love in the context or prison of a relationship, there will be expectations. You expect to be loved, you expect the attention, the missing you and the happiness when you are together.

I am very simple. Perhaps just need to know that you love me. Or just to know that you do not love me. Actions speak louder than words and I may have already got my answers.

Perhaps I am a fool but I would still be glad if someone would kindly tell me if she loves me right now or not.

How do you give someone more space? If someone needs space now, does that not mean you and her are just not compatible? Just like two pieces of jigsaw. If they are compatible, they do not need any space in between them, they fit snugly side by side, in jigsaw bliss.

Maybe she is just being kind to me by not breaking my heart? Yet it has already been trampled upon, crushed and devastatingly destroyed to know that she is just not comfortable with me. A kinder approach would be to tell me the whole truth. Whatever is on her mind. Everything. Everything. SO I can understand. So I can start my healing process. Please do not hold on to whatever beautiful things that have happened in the past. Because to live in the past would be to be cruel to the present. Cruel to you and to me.

What really matters now is whether you love me or not. But for now I am giving you time to find that answer. Although I think I already know the answer.

I am tired. Really tired. Perhaps I should just sleep and let the dreams bring whatever relief I can have. And let all that has happened drift away just like the dreams at dawn.

2009-05-06T16:43:00.002-06:00

For as long as I can remember, Europe has always been a source of heartbreak for Chelsea. This year they played their best football and against the best team in the world, Chelsea showed Barcelona that possession and having the best attacking players in the world do not win you games. This time round, it was a combination of poor refereeing and bad luck that Chelsea lost out despite being the better team.

While the referee has really been abhorrent, it still took a moment of class from Iniesta to find the back of the net.

The challenge on Drogba by Yaya Toure should have been a sending off and a penalty. That blatant handball by Pique must also result in similar consequences. Yet no actions were done. Chelsea should have put the game away with so many clear cut chances and yet it was not to be.

Sometimes you really have to wonder the existence of a higher authority. Footballing gods? Now talking about clearing out players from Stamford Bridge, I really wonder who should go and who should stay. After all, in recent weeks, players have been showing their worth and many of them can still remain here and provide CHelsea with the driving force for a league title and European glory again.

Up front we have Di Santo, Kalou, Drogba and Anelka.
Midfield there is Lampard, Ballack, Malouda, Essien, Mikel, Joe Cole, Belleti, Mineiro and Deco
In defence we have Mancienne,Bosingwa, Ferreira, Ashley Cole, Terry, Alex, Carvalho and Ivanovic.
Cech and Hilario in goal.

So who do we need to ship away?

For all their critics, I think Drogba and Anelka still have a good few years left in them so there are definitely not going to go away. With two experienced EPL strikers around, we will always be able to open up any defence and also do well against fellow title contenders.

Di Santo is still young and has not much chances to prove himself. Perhaps he should be sent off for a loan spell and Kalou is one I would not mind seeing him leave. If Arsene Wenger so likes him, he can buy Kalou and provide Chelsea with the funds to bring in a big name striker.

Whose name comes to mind? Definitely with David Villa apparently being put on the display cabinet by Valencia, he is one we must consider. He has the skills necessary to thrive and provides a different dimension to Drogba's strength and Anelka's speed. With Man City and Real Madrid chasing him, we need to dig into Abramovich's pockets once again to compete. However I really think with our prowess on the European stage, Real and City will never be able to compete even if they can pay more. Not every one is a RObinho.

Of course there are a few strikers playing in the french league like Brandao who might be good for Chelsea. I would not want David Trezeguet or Ibrahimovic because they are too individualistic for the good of Chelsea. Podolski might be nice but he is returning to his hometown club. Perhaps an Italian striker like Amauri would also be good. Then if ever Eto'o is thinking of leaving Barcelona, Chelsea would welcome him with open arms.

In: David Villa, Samual Eto, Brandao
Out: Di Santo , Kalou

Midfield: Lampard, Ballack, Essien, Mikel, Joe Cole and Malouda should stay.
Of them Ballack is considered the most inconsistent and he sometimes disappears during the early part of the season. However his experience and ability to perform in big matches could see him being retained on a bit part basis.

However players like Deco and Belleti have outstayed their welcome. Deco may be cheap but he has stopped delivering. Belleti is old and perhaps should be cleared for a new midfielder to take over.
I am not adament for Ballack and Deco to leave. If they are happy being squad players, their experience would be good for the team.

Players that should be brought in should be wide players like Ribery although everyone is eyeing him. SO i do not rate the chances of getting him great. How about Aaron Lennon or Ashley Young for a winger. Stewart Downing might be obtained on the cheap if Middlesbrough are relegated. A talented midfielder like Danny of Zenith St Petersbrug would be good as well. David Silva might be good as well. Malouda is finding his form and I expect great things from him next year.

So out: Ballack, Deco, Belleti
In: Lennon, Young, Downing, Danny or Silva

Defence I think we should keep all the players including Alex and Ivanovic. Because I feel they are able deputies and Alex definitely can challenge the ageing Carvalho for a starting place. We do however need a left back. One more quality goalkeeper to challenge Petr Cech would also be a good thing.

So while it is heartbreaking to lose in the 93rd minute, Chelsea is still a wonderful team and can continue to challenge for a few more years. Lets hope for the best.

:D

2009-05-04T00:48:00.000-06:00

7 wonders of the world

2009-05-04T00:17:00.002-06:00

I wonder what am I going to write about now. I am in the liibrary waiting for my pictures to be uploaded throught the wireless network. I wonder what has happened to my internaet connection at home that is supposed to be 100mbps. Is that the correct speed? The speed that is supposed to rule them all. I may have the fastest speed plan but I do not have the fastest modem and somehow my computer is beginning to behave like an old lady doing a 400 metres sprint. Sometimes resuscitation is required to start up my aged damsel.

Next I wonder when I would get the chance to enjoy the beach. Since my m1 and m2 days where I liked to go the East Coast Park instead of Anatomy Hall, for a whiff of salty seabreeze rather than formaldehyde. It has been a long time since I enjoyed the blue or torquise ocean. Now would be a rather good time. After all, electives are either suspended or canceled. Abit of therapy for the harried soul would be good.

3rd wonder , I wonder if I am sick or not. The cough has been there since January. It is less obvious now and no longer mucopurulent. I only cough when I drink cold water and I do not have a history of asthma. No fever or wheezing. Then there is the change in bowel habits. Who shits green stool? Even shrek does not do that. My gallbladder has no ruptured, maybe it is due to some weird concoction I drank before leaving Taiwan.

Strange to know that last saturday morning I was still in Taipei, then Sun and Mon was in Hongkong and Tues I was back in Spore already. The wonder of air travel.

I am still uploading photos. I wonder when I would finish. 2000 over photos. All taken by myself. I am a camwhore. Fuck it bitch!

I guess i do not have the patience to just sit here like an idiot while my pictures are being uploaded. I guess it will be my last album. I wonder where has my patience gone to.

LAst wonder is no wonder at all. Just that since I wrote 7 wonders and could only come up with six and a few rather pathetic ones, it is a wonder i am still typing.

WHen silence means so much more

2009-05-03T23:40:00.002-06:00

The timing could not have been better. The name is just apt. Was it a creation of my subconsciousness? It must be absurb to be entertaining such thoughts.

The day started with rain. Pattering could be heard but it took real scrutinizing to notice the fine drops of drizzle. It seems to rain alot. Yet the heat at night still remains unbearable. It is like we are trapped in a glass dome and the green house effect just perpetuates endlessly.

The first few days in Taipei were cold. There were no need for air con and the duvet blankets provided real comfort. It was good to return to this place where I had my M1 holiday and realized nothing much has changed. Good things do not last. It is just like returning home after many years away, you find that everything was just as you left them, yet they are unfamiliar. The only thing that has changed is you.

My thoughts are beginning to meander again. I was late just as usual. So the punishment was to receiving a dressing down. However it was really not my fault because I had had ample time for the bus trip to school. However the bus wouldn't come even after 30 minutes of waiting. In the end, I hailed a cab and spent 9 bucks. 9 bucks could get me a decent half of a pair of shoes. The beige pair which I am wearing now.

I should have bought one more pair. Or maybe two. Now I am missing the shopping in Hongkong. To think Kelly actually told me that there are more goodies and fakes in Shengzheng. I know how to plan my next holiday calender already. Well, last week I almost believed that Kelly and I are really fated. After all meeting her and Julie in Hongkong, in Disneyland is really incredible. They have been there for so many weeks and yet chose to go the same day I decided to go. Then I bumped into them again at Lankwaifang where they were having dinner while I was just using the escalators. Oh the escalators never seem to end until I got really high up and had to take a cab down. Back in SIngapore on sat, I ran into her again.

Lets talk tactics -- Chelsea Vs Barcelona

2009-04-29T05:17:00.002-06:00

So the Golden Guus has managed to silence Barca at Camp Nou and will need to repeat the same feat at Stamford Bridge next week to guide Chelsea into the Rome Final. In yesterday's game, it was like a 1-4-2-2-1 with Malouda given a free role on the left hand side.

Cech(Keeper), Bosingwa(LB), Alex and Terry(CB),Ivanovic(RB), Essien and Mikel(Defensive Midfielders/Holding Midfielders) with Essien given more attacking freedom while Mikel is to hold the fort at all times, Lampard and Ballack (central attacking midfielders) and Drogba (lone striker), while Malouda is to help out Bosingwa in defending against Alves and Messi and also exploit the space left by Alves just to keep the right side of Barca in check.

Now Henry plays down the left side of Barca without drifting towards the centre because Eto and Messi are there. Messi is on the right but cuts in very often to draw free kicks or work a 1-2 with Alves or Iniesta. Eto was kept very quiet but broke away once after leaving Alex dead and nutmegging Terry. Luckily Cech and the two central defenders did well to slow him down and close his angle before he could take a shot.

Xavi is a very intelligent player who is currently protecting the defence and starting all the attacks. He was simply too impressive yesterday and even robbed Lampard of the ball a few times. Now Guus was correct to take off Lampard because he was not playing well. That was because he made a few bad fouls and not keeping the ball well. At the moment, Essien, Ballack and Drogba are doing very well in keeping the ball, linking up play or defending.

Now, the right side of the field is somewhere Chelsea could look to exploit with Ashley Cole back. Messi does not defend at all when he gets marked out of the game. Perhaps Malouda with his newly found form could look to attack Alves with more regularity and partnership with Ashley. Yesterday no attacks were made on the left hand side of the field because Chelsea did not play with a right midfielder. Ballack occasionally gets into that position but he brings the ball in.

The right side of the field is not a problem because once you get the measure of Henry, Abidal is ageing and does not provide enough attacking threat. Of course that is if you do get the measure of Henry. Ivanovic was beaten a few times but closed down the space sufficiently with Terry helping him.

Chelsea played alot of long balls up to Drogba which he wins with ease yesterday but because of Barca's insanely fast midfield, the attacks were always broken up. However two things worked in favour of Chelsea with Marquez(meniscus) and Puyol (second yellow card) ruled out for the game at Stamford Bridge.

Now lets talk about the shape of Barca. Valdes in goal, with the back four of Alves(RB), Pique and Marquez(replaced by Puyol) (CB) and Abidal(LB), Yaya Toure(defensive midfield), Iniesta and Xavi(central attacking midfield), Messi(right forward), Eto(central forward), Henry(left forward) in a 1-4-1-2-3 manner. They will be playing the same team next week minus one central defender. So Martin Caceres, Xavi Torres or Sylvinho could come into central defence to partner Pique. Or even Yaya could be moved back and Keita be used as the holding midfielder.

Of course, Guardiola might want to play it safer with Eto and Messi up front while throwing in another midfielder like Hleb to stretch play. Or Keita to offer more protection to the defence. Guus will definitely have taken that into account when he plans his offensive for next week.

So the backline of Barca is very good to attack. If Lampard can get his form next week, Chelsea can use route one again to take the game to Barca. Drogba was winning almost every long ball but his teammates were too cautious and not fast enough to link up with him. Pique did a very good job yesterday but Chelsea will look to exploit his inexperience next week. Iniesta was definitely more impressive than any of the players on the pitch yesterday. You cannot also catch Messi once he starts dribbling, unless you physically catch him and foul him.

So Essien and Mikel or Ballack and Mikel needs to snuff out the threats of both Xavi and Iniesta. Ashley and Malouda will work on Messi and Alves. Essien could break away and he dribbles out of tight situation ever so well.

Perhaps Anelka could be used as a right winger or right forward to offer more threat against the ageing Abidal. Henry does not help out in defence as well so If Chelsea can stretch Barca on the wings, Drogba. Lampard or Essien can cut through the middle and go straight against the Barca defense. That is if you can keep Xavi and Iniesta quiet. Ballack is having a good spell so he might be able to play against them.

So if we can get Lampard and Mikel up to scratch, Chelsea has a very good chance to winning the game at the Bridge. Of course, the most important thing is still not to concede so no gungho football will be served up from the off. Perhaps Hiddink would want Chelsea to retain more of the ball and certain players like Alex and Ballack might just be one booking away from missing the final.. so they have got to be really careful.

In conclusion, mark out Messi, Xavi and Iniesta. With Messi you really have to get Ashley to stick really close and Essien or Mikel to deputise if Ashley is linking up in attack. While Xavi and Iniesta will have to neutralize via the midfield battle with Ballack and Lampard. With Drogba and Malouda or Anelka against Barca's defense, it is highly possible to get a few goals.

With Ashley back, a fit Bosingwa might move back to right back and Ivanovic might just have to make way. He was abit unsteady against Henry but played intelligently and worked very hard. He was also fearless and it will be interesting to see if Bosingwa gets his place back. After all, Bosingwa may be faster than Ivanovic but Bosingwa lets opponents get past him as well because he is not that good a tackler. He goes up in attack often and usually when he does not perform, Chelsea does not play well as well. But then again, a flying Bosingwa with Anelka on the right might just tear down that side of Barca.

So attack through the wings and straight lobs to Drogba for him to bring Chelsea into the play. The rest of midfield will be defending and attacking on the break. If we let Barca score, we will have to open up and Barca can tear you apart with their counter attacking or even direct attempts. So the second leg remains a thrilling tactical battle. I will not be surprised for Guus to start practising penalty kicks or aim to kill off Barca in extra time when away goals do not count.

Time to board

2009-04-25T19:37:00.002-06:00

When I drink, even if it is just a few sip, I get flushed almost immediately. Then peripheral parasthesia will set in and together with dyspepsia, make me wish I never started drinking. So it is, I really cannot drink and shall not drink. I wonder if there is an enzyme defiency that will lead to my symptoms specifically.

YEsterday, my last day, I spent the afternoon at Thamshui. Fishermen's pier. At 3.30pm, I walked past a street artiste who was belting out wonderful Taiwan oldies. I was just so mesmerised by his singing that I stood that for an hour just letting myself caught in his songs and music. The rain started to fall, abit of drizzle only and together with the sea right in front, it makes for a really emotional hour.

The laptop is burning my crotch

2009-04-25T19:05:00.003-06:00

The marvels of technology and my innate ability to wake up at the right time see me able to create this blog entry in Zhong Zheng Airport. The plane is due to take off in another hour so that leaves me with plenty of time to reflect on a swift 3 weeks in Taiwan. Before that, I took to bed at only 5am and as much as I told myself not to fall asleep, I inadvertibly did so. To my horror that when I woke, the sky was bright and a sense of foreboding fell upon me. I let out a few cries of desperation before checking my watch which somehow still read 6.30am. Luckily the sky turns bright early here, at around 5am. A consortium of air stewardesses just boarded the plane. Perhaps it would be fun for my girlfriend to be one too. Imagine the number of free tickets for the family and they will all be first or business class. Why are they always so tall? My guess is that they need to help us load the luggage into the overhead cabin. Looks does not always come into the equation, neither does age. I have seen my fair share of obasans on the planes, they usually just stand at the door and greet you welcome or goodbye.

So next stop will be Hongkong. My second trip to disneyland and hopefully I will find enough in my tank to muster a trip to ocean park. My luggage is already overweight and even my hand carry is bulky and heavy which makes it really cumbersome to carry.

I guess I will miss taiwan because of the relatively stressfree environment and good food. Of course, there are stuff in Singapore you can hardly find in Taiwan. Which explains why I am headed back and not attempting to overextend my stay here. With lodging at only $350 for 3 weeks, food and other expenses do not come up to $1000. That means if I can secure a job that pays at least $2000 and above, life will be good in Taiwan. Good alone. I can survive on my own. Travel on my own, find accomodation alone, do everything alone. I am a survivor.

Ok now for some sleazy information. A friend asked me to bring him to a pub or nightclub. Because he wants to try some Taiwan pussys before going back to Singapore. I just talk a good talk. In theory it is easy. Go to a pub, look out for some lonely chick or a couple of them, approach them, pay for their drinks and bingo, you have secured yourself a night of fun. So when he got really serious and kept asking me to go, I was caught in a catch 22 situation. Luckily our schedules were quite hectic and we did much travelling that we did not really find time to go to a club. Someone at the University told me all the most happening clubs in Taipei and even urged me to go and have a one night stand there. I think maybe it was because I let it be known that my friends were keen to have a bit of fun. I turned down my friend twice to go to a club simply because I rather sleep than waste energy dancing and getting myself drunk.

However I still managed to glean some valuable strategy on how to pick up girls. It is really not that simple. Unless you are D where girls are queueing up to get themselves screwed in the ass by you. The rest of us mere mortals need to work harder, be patient, be prepared to buy a few drinks and risk a few disappointments. I will elaborate on that further next time. By the way, J told CC that a girl asked me out at night and both CC and LK bought the story. I guess I must not be so vocal about my theories any more. Alot of guys think they are real.

Of course, the rest of my Taiwan trip was healthy and involved plenty of walking around night markets, visiting Gorges and farms and does not involve any girls. And plenty of time in the hospital. I will miss my tutor and I actually forgot to take a picture with him on the last day. That is one less photo for my facebook! What a waste. I do hope that he comes to Singapore again with his family and this time I can actually play host to them.

.......................

2009-04-24T13:31:00.000-06:00

黑暗中的我们都没有说话
你只想回家
不想你回家
寂寞深的像海太让人害怕
温柔你的手
轻轻揉着我的发
你的眉眼说
你好渴望我拥抱
你身体却在拼命逃
但欲望在燃烧
你爱我还是他
是不是真的他要比我好
你为谁在挣扎
爱我还是他
就说出你想说的真心话
你到底要跟我还是他
爱爱爱......
这是不是命运对我的惩罚
爱你也没办法
恨你也没办法
陷在这个漩涡只想挣脱它
拉住你的手
却让我也被拖下
你的眉眼说
你不渴望我拥抱
每当爱变成了煎熬
你就开始要逃
你爱我还是他
是不是我可以做他的好
你不再挣扎
爱我还是他
我宁愿听到残忍的回答
也不要再被耍
你爱我还是他
我为你找了一百个理由
我就是那么傻
爱我还是他
是否沉默代替你的回答
我应该明白吗
爱我是他噢
你都已看不到我们的好
我还会心牵挂
你爱我还是他
是否沉默就是你的回答
我们都别挣扎
去爱他

Frank Lampard

2009-04-24T10:59:00.001-06:00

Frank Lampard has hit back at a radio DJ who labelled him ''scum'' on a live broadcast, after accusations that he was a bad father following his bitter split from fiancée Elen Rives.

Empics
Frank Lampard hit out in the live broadcast.
• Listen to Lampard's outburst here...
The England and Chelsea midfielder called the phone-in show in a 15-minute rant to blast LBC presenter James O'Brien, after the DJ said that men who allow their children to live in inferior circumstances to them were "weak and scum".
His sister had been listening to the show and was angered by negative comments callers made about the footballer, which spurred the England star to phone in.
In an emotional and angry exchange, Lampard said: "Since I've had kids every penny I earn and every yard I run on the football pitch is for my kids. It hurts me every day when I wake up and my kids are not there."
The 30-year-old called the presenter an "idiot" for upsetting his family on the first anniversary of his mother's death and accused Rives of "having had a few drinks" when she made the remarks in a national newspaper.
He said: "Someone approached her in a bar and got her talking after she had a few drinks. My ex-girlfriend is very distressed about the story. She gave it away in a moment of weakness."
Miss Rives said that their daughters Luna, three, and Isla, one, were living in a small flat while Lampard had stayed in their £8.5m townhouse.
But Lampard said: "They are living in a temporary flat which is actually in Fulham. It's not a bad flat at all. I am buying a house at the moment which is going to be of equal standard to mine if not better.
"It hurts me every day when I wake up and my kids are not there. Luckily I have a relationship with my ex-girlfriend where we will share custody or whatever you want to call it. For three nights a week - and I'm away two or three nights for my football - the kids wake up in my house. I look after them solely."
Lampard became emotional when O'Brien said that he also had daughters and would fight "tooth and nail" to keep his family together.
He said: "What do you think I have been doing for the last two years? Let me tell you something now, right, my mother died a year ago today and that has had a huge impact on my life and my family's life and on my sister's life and unfortunately that has had a huge impact on my relationship at home. I find it insulting that you insinuate I wouldn't fight tooth and nail for my kids. You don't know anything about me.
"The hardest part of this break-up is not waking up with my kids every day. So before you start insinuating and calling people weak and scum on a radio station, sitting on a high horse which you are.. I hope one day that your wife or your girlfriend doesn't come up to you and say, I don't want to be with you any more. That will hurt you as well."
He then went on to tell O'Brien that he had no right to discuss his personal life.
He said: "I have to wake up and listen to idiots like you say, I read this' and this is what he's doing' and it's wrong. I put up with it and keep my mouth shut. The only reason I rang you is because my sister is distressed and as I said, it's the anniversary of my mum's death.
"Do you think my sister needs to hear idiots like you saying that on the radio station?"
O'Brien apologised for bringing up the issue on the anniversary of Lampard's mother's death, but added: "You will understand that I am not likely to have an anniversary like that in my desktop diary.
"You cannot expect verbatim first-hand quotes from the mother of your children to go unremarked by the general public."
The conversation then ended like this:
Frank: Listen I've spoken much too much about my private life today already - I didn't expect to have a phone call with you this morning. So I'll leave it there thank you.
James: So you won't give us a quick rundown on your thoughts for the champions league semi-final then.
Frank: No, I certainly won't.

We love playing against Arsenal

2009-04-20T03:54:00.003-06:00

Chelsea Vs Liverpool : over the two legs

2009-04-15T22:22:00.004-06:00

Chelsea

2009-04-15T22:09:00.002-06:00

Chelsea denied Liverpool the glory of another sensational European comeback to reach the semi-finals of the Champions League with a 7-5 aggregate win.

Liverpool, trailing 3-1 from the first leg at Anfield, stunned the Blues with two first-half goals from Fabio Aurelio and Xabi Alonso, who scored a penalty.

Chelsea's defensive frailties, exposed so clinically by Bolton in the Premier League at the weekend, looked like costing them a place in the last four as Liverpool, without their talismanic midfielder Steven Gerrard, threatened to pull off another miracle.

But the Blues looked home and dry after producing a sensational comeback of their own - scoring three times in the second half to lead 6-3 on aggregate at one stage.

Yet this incredible contest took another twist when Liverpool scored twice in as many minutes through Lucas and Dirk Kuyt to leave them just one goal adrift of an incredible victory.

However, Frank Lampard's second in the 89th minute secured a 4-4 draw on the night and a date with Barcelona.

The home side had been outplayed in the opening 45 minutes and had barely threatened to get on the scoresheet despite coach Guus Hiddink's pre-match assertion that Chelsea would go for more goals.

They had to wait until six minutes after the break for the goal which eased the growing pressure on their ambitions of reaching the final in Rome.

Didier Drogba's effort was deflected into the back of the net by Liverpool goalkeeper Jose Reina and a stunning 25-yard free-kick from Brazilian defender Alex then looked to have eased any remaining worries.

When Lampard added a third in the 76th minute the tie seemed to be effectively all over, but Liverpool had other ideas.

Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez had always maintained the first goal would be the most important but when Kuyt collected a pass from Yossi Benayoun and fired over in the 13th minute, he could have been forgiven for thinking that perhaps the task ahead was indeed far too great.

But six minutes later Liverpool were in dreamland when they punished Lampard's push on Kuyt in spectacular fashion.

With everyone expecting the free-kick from the right of goal to be pumped high into the centre of the penalty area, Aurelio stunned everyone, including the flat-footed Petr Cech, by firing his 30-yard effort straight into the bottom near corner of the net.

Referee Luis Cantalejo then rightly awarded Liverpool a penalty when Chelsea's first-leg goal hero Branislav Ivanovic clearly held back Alonso.

The Liverpool midfielder stepped up to beat Cech and suddenly the impossible seemed possible.
Chelsea had Cech to thank for keeping them on level terms on aggregate when he tipped away a header from Kuyt in the final minute of the opening half.

Hiddink's side needed a goal to take the sting out of Liverpool's motivation and it arrived somewhat fortunately in the 51st minute.

Nicolas Anelka, a 35th-minute replacement for the poor Salomon Kalou, crossed low from the right and Drogba got a touch on the ball, with Reina only able to turn it over the line.

Chelsea made it 2-2 on the night when Jamie Carragher's foul on Drogba was punished by a fierce 25-yard free-kick by Alex.

With 14 minutes remaining Liverpool's dreams looked finished when Drogba crossed for Lampard to apply the finish.

But a long-range effort from Lucas was deflected off Michael Essien and beyond Cech in the 81st minute and, somewhat astonishingly, Kuyt put Liverpool 4-3 ahead on the night with a six-yard header two minutes later.

But with Liverpool needing one more goal for a glorious victory in this emotional week on Merseyside, 20 years on from the Hillsborough disaster, Lampard ended a stunning contest with his second of the night in the last minute.

Chelsea will face Barcelona in the last four but only after Liverpool had pushed them all the way in a pulsating contest that was a marvellous showcase for English and European football.

Benitez must have wished Gerrard had been fit enough to play as his contribution may well have been the telling one, on a night when the Reds almost managed to achieve the unthinkable.

2009-04-14T00:17:00.001-06:00

My time in Taiwan

2009-04-13T23:43:00.002-06:00

I think something nice should fill up my blog.
So I shall write abit about what has happened over in Taiwan.

This is what happened on my first night:
I am lying lazily in bed but today has been quite interesting so I decided to share it with you!It is actually quite cold here and I really regret not bringing one more jacket. It is actually quite boring to be alonein Taiwan. So while I was on the plane from Hongkong to Taiwan, I met an interesting uncle. The plane to Tw from Hk is actually quite empty. So almost everyone has an empty seat beside him. So I sat beside an empty seat, I am also beside the window. In the same row, an uncle is seated one seat away. He asked the stewardess for a beer in mandarin but the stewardess isJapanese so couldnt understand. I nice so I used english to convey his request. Later on he started chatting to me. Then say he will help me find a place to stay after I told him I am looking for a place to stay. ahha he actually paid for my bus ticket from airport to taipei. Then took me to his shop which sells vase and potterythen drove me around to look for a hotel. However he did not make much of a difference, I still ended up paying 30 per night . However I will just be staying at this run down hotel for one day before i move to the cleaner and more suitable for student hostel. at 25 per night. I miss you hor!!I went to Shilin night market for dinner. Ate smelly beancurd and chicken cutlet. Tomorrow shall be more thrifty! Here got hundred over channels! I am watching Tv while trying to fall asleep. OH yah got frightening thing..Coz i am staying in this really run down hotel.. they do not even have level four. I am staying on level four. which they named Level 5. Then as I collectedmy keys, I turned and saw this boy staring at me, half his body is hidden behind a door... It was quite dark and he seemed to havea greenish tinge. It looked quite freaky and I jumped abit..then the boy stretched his arm out towards me .. haha scary siaz.. why would young boy be staying in such a dirty place?

Second day:

Yesterday was quite uneventful. We went to XImenDing and had dinner there. I went with 5 other clasmate including a couple. How I wish you were here. I can just lug you around and plant a kiss on you whenever I want. Then I bumped into Andrew and Liankiat. Will be travelling this fri and sat with them to a farm, plus some pottery cottage where we can have some hands-on. Next week I will also be going to HuaLian and Taroko Gouge with them. I am really running out of cash. I shall go and change money afterwards. 7000 and 7500 for lodging and fees. WHich leaves me with 7100. However I just keep counting less money. I have no idea why. Today I sat in the clinic with my doctor. Saw plenty of patients with multiple sclerosis. An autoimmune disease which intermittently can cause weakness, numbness and vision disorders. Plenty of them. I just had lunch. It is curry pork chop plus egg wrapped rice. FOr $95, that is about 4.50 sing dollars. Tonight I will be watching Champions League. Man U vs Porto and Arsenal Vs VIllareal.Tomorrow is the exciting one where Chelsea will go to Liverpool. Then Liverpool will visitCHelsea two weeks later.
I had a nightmare yesterday. YEsterday we went to Ximending. There were two girls in ghost costumesand makeup. They were promoting a school carnival and their class is setting up a house of horror. We took pictures with them naturally. Then later yetsreday night, I dream I was neighbours with one maid who was sitting beside her asleep employer and flashing me a really eerie smile. I cannotremember if she had rotting flesh on her face. Then there was another boy who was glowing a ghastly green sitting on the floor and looking at me. I am feeling asleepy and fell asleep just now behind my doctor. For about 10 minutes. Now I shall go tothe wards and wait for him to do his ward rounds. WHich will then conclude my day!

Yesterday night:

Yah yesterday I went to Wo Cai Wo Cai Wo Cai Cai Cai, Gigi Leong was one of the guest. She and Jackie Wu did not take pictures with anyone. But the rest of the stars did. I took one with one Taiwanese aunty celebrity. although I have no idea who she is. Then the show also invited 3 pretty girls they spottedon the streets. Me and my friends were asked to vote on who is the prettiest. At the end we also took pictures with them. I missed the group photo with Ah Ya.I think the show is going to end soon with Jackie Wu retiring. So no chance to take you there.

The other night I took a bus to Fishermen's Pier. There were no one there because it was too late and the place fills up only during the weekends. But the nightmarket nearit was not too bad, I managed to buy alot of stuff to give to friends when I comeback.

Baffled

2009-04-01T11:47:00.001-06:00

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Why not make me happy by telling me you will not see him for the next few months? Just to make me happy. I do not understand.

2009-03-30T14:26:00.000-06:00

Love is always patient;13
love is always kind;
love is never envious
or arrogant with pride.
Nor is she conceited,
5 and she is never rude;
she never thinks just of herself
or ever get annoyed.
She never is resentful;
6 is never glad with sin,
but always glad to side with truth,
whene'er the truth should win.[b]
7 She bears up under everything,
believes the best in all,
there is no limit to her hope,
and she will never fall.
8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete[c] comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.
11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I am sorry but I realized I do not love you..

2009-03-30T14:17:00.000-06:00

你的回话凌乱着在这个时刻我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢而你断断续续唱着歌假装没事了时间过了走了爱情面临选择你冷了倦了我哭了离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着有些爱只给到这真的痛了怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得你不等了说好的幸福呢我错了泪干了放手了后悔了只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢你的回话凌乱着在这个时刻我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢而你断断续续唱着歌假装没事了时间过了走了爱情面临选择你冷了倦了我哭了离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着有些爱只给到这真的痛了怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得你不等了说好的幸福呢我错了泪干了放手了后悔了只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了我都还记得你不等了说好的幸福呢我错了泪干了放手了后悔了只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢~~end~~

no more no more no more no more

2009-03-28T21:48:00.002-06:00

There has been a lot of silence. There seem to be nothing wrong so there is nothing to say. When there is emptiness, most often there is also silence. How I wish I can just sit down and listen to you talk about everything that matters to you. How I wish I can listen to what you say to him and what you message him. Because I feel the spark is lost. I rather be a best friend with you now because perhaps then we will have things to talk about.

The problem lies with me. I need that much attention. Although I am used to loneliness. Although I can go for days without having a proper conversation. Although I watch movies alone, I sing alone. But I still need a call at night. I hate whining and complaining. I do not need anyone. I am strong enough by myself and that shall be the way.

The whole world is dead.

2009-03-28T13:10:00.002-06:00

It is early in the morning and I am still awake. I feel like talking to someone, anyone but there is no one awake in this world except for me. I am not comforted by the incessant typing of the keyboard. I am not relieved that the churning of the CPU and the droning of the fan is not making me feel any better.

I really wished I did not say what I did this afternoon. I do not wish to lose her. Never. It was on a moment of impulse that a well rehearsed line came out. I am actually tired of saying and thinking the same thing over and over again.

marching orders

2009-03-27T17:09:00.002-06:00

6.19am

2009-03-27T16:17:00.002-06:00

This has not been a very good week for me. The ants have finally arrived on my desk. The sweet wrapper which was left there for so many days attracted them and it took both my hands and some dexterity to kill every single ant. I do not tolerate ants in my room. Just like I do not tolerate certain things in life.

I am not really bothered by things that I do not tolerate this week. Rather it is people who cannot tolerate my absence who are bothering me. I hope and pray for a peaceful resolution. I do not wish my holidays to be collateral damage but that seems highly possible. As always I am speaking in code because those who know, know. Those who do not, may it stay that way.

I went for a movie with XT. The girl who has not been kissed. At least not by her most recent past of a boyfriend. Never been kissed. It was a favourite movie of mine. Drew Barrymore. Too bad XT has never watched it before. Neither can I recall the content to recount it here. I feel the urge now. To the toilet. After all whatever she has been telling me about JNR is really shitty.

But her ex sq is not much better. Even though he is a fabulous boyfriend. Just not to her. And can you believe it? Her first was a malaysian. There is really nothing wrong with malaysians. AFter all I am half a malaysian. My mum is one. But maybe it is just the idea of XT's last two screw-ups that made the first one look bad. Or maybe I was just joking about it.

Then came the really freaky part. Meeting JNR at udders. After I had promised to push him into the Singapore river if I bumped into him there. I am glad I did not have to drown him in ice cream or anything. He was behaving really adulterously with his two female companions. I guess the Pandas do not really like him. Neither does the pig.

The movie DMC was quite funny. Despite the Newpaper putting down the acting of L and saying that the transformation between Mr Krauser and Negeri is too alarming and drastic. It was simply meant to be a comedy. A movie. Not an autobiography. The movie before that was Marley and Me. Another movie which I enjoyed because of the choice of companion. In fact I was the chosen.

I should just summarize what I did this month. I missed out on the 25th again. If you message Starhub on the 25th of each month, you stand to win a pair of movie tickets. Just for HubClub members. I always forget to do that on the 25th. What the heck. I won around 5 sets of jewellery for mum and WT. 3 sets of super duper Sony WALKMAN (trademark) which really are worth alot. I did not win them this month, but I just found out their retail prices.

I bought a webcam and a printer to replace the one which was heartlessly stampeded on by none other than myself. A hundred dollars Harvey Norman voucher was used to offset the bill. I paid $88. Quite an auspicious number. I sold my 42 inch TV together with the mini laptop. One for $800, the other for $500. ALl the money went to paying for the flat.

Well, since I am on my prizes, I might as well just list out what I can remember. There are 3 sets of Samsung E210 phones, maybe 10 pairs or more of movie tickets, 4 or 5 sets of facial products, a $4000 Hermes sofa set, a pair of return trip tickets to Japan plus tickets to World Club Cup tournament, a shaver, an Internet Phone, $800 worth of Crocodile VOuchers, a pair of soccer boots, 3 cameras: 2 Nikon and 1 Sony Cybershot an a couple of $100 vouchers for books and food. I have rather cooled off these few months. It is quite tiring to come up with flattery and summaries.

Enough of that. Barry is finally going to finish his exams. Qiuting just finished hers. I have yet to start mine. I passed my medicine reposting. I guess when I am not working hard, I am lucky. That is how one can make it through in life. Though it may not be for very far or very long but you need either hard work or luck at any point. I am just lucky to have luck whenever I am not putting in hard work. I actually prayed that Barry does well in his exams.

Then there was my Judo competition. Won a silver individual medal and a team bronze. I think I said I screwed up for the team event, I really did. We could have won the top prize if I had been more cautious for my first match and if I bothered to play for my second match. I really lack the tenacity to be successful. I am just such a loser. Maybe next year I have one more try. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

I visited Udders 3 or 4 times already this month. Rum and Raisin is her favourite while Chocmarsh is mine. The ice cream really did not taste that good when Michelle brought us there. It was not particularly nice yesterday because I had not understood what she was trying to tell me. Then we saw JNR. He is the sworn enemy of Pandas.

I went to NTU many times this month. Twice my intention was to check on her. I was so afraid I would find him there. Or find him sending her back. I guess that is one defect in an otherwise rather good boyfriend persona of mine. Other times I delivered groceries and a rose to her. And a few letters. I am no longer that emotional during the week. Now when I am kept awake, it is because of my inherently screwed up circadian clock.

I suggested we be normal friends. So she is free to be wooed by any one else. While I shall woo her but retain my right to do otherwise. A complicated non-solution for a non-existing problem. Maybe I am a masochist. Or am I a sadomasochist? I am beginning to feel tired. However If I were to sleep, I would just wake at 2 or 3pm. Further screwing up my life. The ramification of my suggestion would be that I would be further repelled by any contact she has with him. SO just like two pieces of wood in the vast ocean, we will just drift further and further away. It is so unfar for me to demand her time and attention. She is just buried up to her neck with projects and school work.

I will be going to Taiwan for my elective soon. How I missed that place. Yet after a trip to Japan, Taiwan lost some of her lustre. Perhaps it is also with the passage of time that the fonddest of memories become gray and patchy. Colin complained that I have been too mushy on my facebook. I am thinking of quitting FB anyway. Too much privacy for too many friends. Too bad we will not catch each other. I am sure he will hear the notoriety of me when he comes back.

I end this post because I am sleepy. Not because there is a lack of things for me to write about. 7.05am. I killed another living thing. This time it is a fly.

Who wrote this awfully familiar paragraph?

2009-03-27T16:11:00.000-06:00

Stars are meant to remain in the sky. Put them in a bottle, they lose their shine, you put your wish within, your wish wither and remains trapped within the bottle. Only when the person whom you gave your stars to, has given you her heart, then maybe she would admire the stars regularly. Only then can the stars in the jar have the same status as those hanging in the sky. Those stars in sky luminate our night. My stars I wish for them to luminate her heart. To bring her brightness and beauty in the dark and when she is feeling sad, fill up her heart. Someone in the big big night sky, there is someone who is willing to create all the stars for you.

Old directions are the best

2009-03-27T16:07:00.000-06:00

Another old blog by an old friend
Thursday, June 02, 2005

Carefree Days

Had a 3-hours afternoon nap! I slept at 11+ pm last night and only woke at 10.30 am this morning. I'm quite a pig. But it can't be helped that I'm feeling tired cuz I just came back from chalet at Costa Sands East Coast.

Sherilyn and Guan Hong booked 2 chalets(E9 and E10) and invited their classes to come. On the first day, Sunday, Guan Hong came to my house to help bring all the food we prepared the evening before to chalet. Called a cab and Bro helped us to carry all the food downstairs. It was raining super heavily and the stuff were heavy too. Guan Hong accidentally scratched his arm while carrying the wire gauze. Ouch.

I think I was the driest. Several guys from other classes walked half an hour in the heavy rain just to get to the chalet, girls too. And Guan Hong got wet because he carried the food in the rain and blamed me for not sheltering him, which was what I was supposed to do. I had an umbrella in my hands, but he just went off carrying the food in the rain without telling me, so in the end I didn't really shelter him. Hee.

We started playing Mahjong soon after we reached the chalet at about 3 pm. At 5 plus, people were starting to get hungry and so we started the fire. There were 4 pits. Guan Hong wanted to get his hands on starting the fire. But due to inexperience, the fire he started were not very successful. Haha. Quite messy in fact, especially for the first one. But he learned from other guys and the second fire he started was much more organized. Sherilyn was like following him around when he was starting the fire, and giving her comments. He got kind of frustrated and said 'Can you stop following me? I just want to start the fire on my own! And I am not your son, so stop acting like my mother!' Haha. And he jumped like a little boy! Lolz. That was the funniest part. Of cuz he didn't mean to bark at Sherilyn. He didn't in fact, just something he said to get people to stop looking at him starting the fire. Haha.

There were many people. Wai Meng and Hongyi were there too. Many came and many went. Only several, about ten people, stayed overnight. From my class, only Wee Khiang, Qiu Ting and me stayed. After the BBQ, we (Guan Hong, Qiu Ting, Wee Khiang, Zhi yang from 01/05 and me) played more Mahjong. 4 of them went to bathe one by one, except me. After they were done, we walked to Parkway Parade's Kbox to sing. It was quite a long walk but I enjoyed it! But they felt like they had just wasted their bath cuz they started to perspire again. See? I'm smarter!! =P Sang from 12 am to 3 am. It was my first time at Kbox. Previously, I always rejected Sandy when she asked if I wanted to go Kbox, cuz I thought it was a total waste of money. Just sing songs and you'd to pay so much. Furthermore, I thought I wouldn't dare to sing much in front of others. Haha. But I was surprised to find that I sang the most that night. Haha. I mean, it doesn't matter if you sound horrible or sang out of tune, cuz everyone will sound horrible too! Haha. But I didn't sing out of tune k. Haha. Guan Hong sings pretty well. Qiu Ting too. Both of them frequent Kbox. Wee Khiang said my voice is quite sweet. =X Haha. Zhi Yang didn't sing much. I think he was the most bored. And, Guan Hong and Wee Khiang, the 2 guy partners, kept singing love songs to each other!!! Especially when they sing Xuan Ze. I tell you, they are so gay! Haha. But that was so funny and entertaining! 'Wo xuan ze le ni, ni xuan ze le wo, zhe shi wo men de, xuan ze..' 3 hours was too short. We had to sing only half of a song near the end cuz there were simply too many! Didn't know singing at KTV could be so fun! Now I know why people like to do so.

After we left Kbox, we went to a nearby coffeeshop to have a drink. Da Ben Zhu ate minced meat noodle, and the rest of us only drank. The walk back took about 1 and a half hour cuz Gate 4 was closed and we had to enter by the main gate. I took a bath and everyone slept at 6+ am. We promised to wake at 9.30 am to have breakfast together. I guess I was the last to fall asleep, cuz a while after we all got onto bed, I was still wide awake and said 'Wo shui bu zhao' And I kind of woke everyone up again! Hee. I was the earliest to wake up too! Woke at 8.45 am and saw that everyone was still asleep. So I was trying to do something useful to waste time. Stretched and turned on the bed. Time was crawling by. I even tried making my body into a circle by making my feet touch my head. Successful for the right turn, almost succeeded for the left. After I tried all sorts of stunts on the bed, they were still sleeping and it was only 9 am! I wanted to test if they were deep asleep. And so I said 'Qi lai le!! Qi chuang le!!' Said it a few times, and they started waking up one by one. Haha. They weren't having a deep sleep after all. Guan Hong was the most pig. He didn't want to get out of bed and said it was still early. When he finally decided to get up, I felt a bit tired after all the stunting and calling out. So I told them 'Let's sleep for ten more minutes.' And I think they were feeling -.-'''. Hee.

And so we went to Mac to have breakfast. I had hotcakes with sausages!! Yum Yum! Most of them had Big Breakfast. We were planning what to do next. I told them I felt like singing again and Guan Hong felt like bowling. So our plan was to go Katong Shopping Complex to bowl and then go Kbox from 2 to 7 pm. Guan Hong knew the area very well cuz he lived there when he was young. Oh, and he's from Ngee Ann Primary. We couldn't find the bowling place cuz we got on to the wrong lift. Went to a snookerium instead. First time I tried the real pool too! Experience in Yahoo! Pool gave me a good idea on how to play. Zhi Yang said wo you qian tu. Haha. Only played for half an hour cuz Qiu Ting and me got kind of bored. Guan Hong was even better. He slept through the whole pool session on a sofa. Can't blame him. He was sick and I woke him up early too. Felt guilty when I saw how tired he was.

We went to a KTV at the shopping complex after pooling. The rates were cheap, but we weren't very sure about the songs they have. Only booked an hour at first, extended it to three after a while. The microphones were louder too! Which is a good thing, cuz I can't sing very loud even if I tried. Was a bit disppointed when I couldn't find Stella's Fen Shou Di Qi Tian and Lin Yi Lian's Zhi Shao Hai You Ni on the menu. Guess Kbox is still a better choice. I sang the most again. All 4 of them feel asleep. Haha!! And I was the only one left singing on my own. Haha, cuz some of the songs I picked, Qiu Ting don't know how to sing. I didn't mind them sleeping at all. It's quite good to sing alone in fact, Haha. No wonder Guan Hong and Qiu Ting often go to sing alone. But I felt bad and a bit selfish. Hee. Like I picked a lot of songs and bored them. Oops. So sorry!

Left the KTV at about 4 pm and we finally found where the bowling area was. I didn't bowl cuz I didn't wanna spend too much money. And I was happy enough to just watch. Guan Hong was the best in bowling, though he said he was much better in the past. For the first game, both Guan Hong and his gay, Wee Khiang scored 101. Zhi Yang scored 59 and Qiu Ting, 57. Quite close huh. For the next 3 games, Guan Hong still didn't manage to hit 140, which was his target score. Hmm, and the lao ah peks at the next lane were superb. They could hit as high as 130+ at the 5th frame. Got told off by them cuz we bowled at the same time as them, and distracted them as a result. =X I passed quite a lot of comments during their bowling game. And Guan Hong said I was too noisy. BlehX. I don't care, I don't care. =P I just love to talk!

Since we were in Katong, how could we forget to try out the infamous Katong Laksa?? It was so delicious! Wee Khiang and Zhi Yang didn't want the cockles. When our Laksa came, Wee Khiang found out that he didn't want the prawns too. So he gave them to us. And after that, he found that he had paid 3 bucks for the soup, noodles and slices of fish cakes. Haha! Quite bo hua. I really like the Laksa! Yum Yum!! The best cockles I had ever tasted!

Had to rush to Parkway Parade to fetch the 01/05 girls, cuz they didn't know how to get to East Coast. Guan Hong really knew the place well, and we got to the place mainly by passing through air-conditioned areas and escalators. And it was another long walk back to the chalet. There was another round of BBQ that night. Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei came too. Daddy didn't come! Liar! He told me he would come on second day. Well, for the second BBQ I did quite a lot of cooking, compared to the first one, during which I mainly ate and ate. Hee. There were only 2 pits. Guan Hong took care of one and me, the another. People commented that mine looked better. Well, of course!! =P Actually I enjoy BBQing more than eating. Quite satisfying to see raw meat becoming cooked meat in your own hands. Haha. Oh, and Guan Hong got both of us a chair to sit while BBQing. Aww.. how sweet. =X My fire was getting smaller and smaller. Took ages for the meat to become cooked. But with much TLC and patience, I managed to get all of them nicely done. Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei were busy helping to peel the prawns and feeding them to Guan Hong and me. Lolz. It was like a food-processing mechanism. Guan Hong + Me cook food ---> feed Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei ---> Peel prawns ---> Feed Guan Hong and Me ---> cook food.. and the cycle goes on.

I was hesitating to stay for the second night. Qiu Ting almost stayed overnight, but in the end she decided against it. So Wee Khiang and her left. Since I was kind enough, I decided to stay, cuz Guan Hong was like persuading people to stay. Haha. Furthermore, I would get a treat if I stayed! Hee~ Besides, Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei were staying too. And since we know each other quite well, I was glad, at least I won't be alone. I felt a bit bad, like Qiu Ting's decision to leave was partly due to my insensitivity. Cuz I was chatting away with Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei while BBQing, and she felt a bit bored and went upstairs with Wee Khiang. Oops. Sorry!

Went to play Mahjong again after BBQ. I felt hot even after I bathed. There was another guy who came. Forgot his name, but he kept calling me Mei Nu, especially when he wanted me to help him BBQ his prawns after already sat down on the Mahjong table. So irritating lo. After I bathed he wanted me to take over his place, also referred to me as Mei Nu. Oh, but I told him 'Can you stop calling me mei nu?' Just didn't like the way he sounded, though I know he didn't mean to piss me off. I wasn't pissed la, just irritated. Anyway, I stopped playing Mahjong cuz I couldn't stand the heat. went upstairs to enjoy the aircon and listen to mine cd. Found Guan Hong already fast asleep but his spectacles were on his bed. So I just placed it on the table in case they get squashed under his heavy weight. Was surprised when he woke up to put his specs properly. If it had been my brother, the spectacles would already be on the floor or squashed when he woke up. Anyway, it's nice to just sit on bed with lights off, air conditioner on, listening to good music. So good to just relax, forget everything else for a second and just be able to enjoy the moment. Hmm~~~ Enjoy the little things in life.

I slept quite a lot for the second night. Woke at 9+ am i think. And went for breakfast at Mac again, with Sherilyn, Guan Hong, Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei. This time I ordered Big Breakfast. I think I still preferred Hotcakes with sausages. I accidentally ate Sherilyn's Hashbrown cuz I thought I only ate mine halfway. And when Sherilyn started looking for hers, I was like asking everyone whether they had seen it. When I realised that I was actually holding hers in my hand, ah! So pai seh! And everyone was laughing at me. Haha. I'm entertaining alright. But Sherilyn felt sick after she ate. So we went back to chalet instead of heading for the bowling alley right away. She wanted to get back earlier so rode back on bike. But she fell down! Ouch. Had quite a big wound, and she limped her way back.

Hmm, and we checked out at around 1130. None of us felt like going home, so we decided to meet up for bowling later. Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei went to Guan Hong's house to put stuff. I went to Sherilyn's house to put her stuff and also for her to bathe. Met up at city hall at 2.15 pm and we head off to Superbowl at Marina. This time round I played. So long never bowl le! Guess I did better than I'd expected for the first game. Second game I tried all sorts of funny ways, like placing the bowl on the floor and push it forward, throw the bowl high into the air and let it drop onto the lane, almost hurt my muscle. Phew~ Haha. And a lot of funny things happened. It was all Shiu Hei's fault la! Haha. The system was quite screwed up. Scores weren't recorded, the pins were not cleared. Haha, don't how to describe what happened.

After the bowling sesssion, Guan Hong and I felt like watching a movie. But the rest weren't that keen and Sherilyn was hungry. So we bought food at LJS and smuggled them in. Watched Monsters-In-Laws. Funny and touching. Haha. Cheesy lines too. I had quite a good laugh. Hee.

Went HMV at citylink after the movie. I want to buy Aurora! Shall go check it out in China. Zhen Hao and Shiu Hei left earlier. Sherilyn took a bus home and Guan Hong and I wanted to take NEL home, but we decided to take a quick look at the CDs at Bugis Village. Ahma once told me the CDs there are very cheap. Anyway, I didn't manage to find the version of Aurora that I wanted.

After that, I finally went home. Should have taken a bus, I don't really like taking the MRT.

I kind of miss the chalet when I woke up this morning. Haha. Guess this was one of the best chalets I ever attended. I felt kind of bad for having bias towards Shiu Hei previously. I mean it can't be helped, especially when the impression he gave me during upper sec wasn't that good. Well, I'd always thought he was quite flirtatious and is always going after the pretty girls in school. Haha. So, at first when I knew that he'd be coming to chalet, I was a bit negative. Oh, but I realised he's quite an OK person. Hmm, guess people do change. Especially for the transition from secondary school to JC, well, at least for the guys. I don't think I'd changed much. Hongyi had turned from an anti-social mugger, to a sociable person who would say 'hello' to you when you pass by him. And Daddy, now he can scold and hit people when he's not happy. Haha. Quite interesting to see people around you changing (for the better, I hope). So, the bottom line is, I shouldn't judge people by what others say and perhaps also how that person appear to be. Hmm, but then again, it's quite hard. Haha. Ok, I'll try harder.

Oh, now I feel like going back to the chalet, without having to worry about schoolwork. Haiz! Good days are always short-lived. Had a lot of fun too. Although I was always suan by people, and pigs like Guan Hong, but it was quite funny. Haha. At least I amuse people. They always say I'm hard of hearing, which isn't very true, though sometimes I hear people wrongly, but that's only because they never pronounce their words correctly. Ya, you can't find a better explanation for that. I really enjoyed myself! Did quite a lot of stuff and tried out new thing like pool and KTV. Oh.. now I think I'm hooked.

Hmm, didn't spend much time with Sherilyn. Felt quite bad, like we excluded her in most of our activities. But that's only because Guan Hong didn't want her to follow. Hmm, but I still feel bad. And when I said goodbye to her at City Hall MRT station, I suddenly realised it might be the last time I'm seeing her. And that's quite sad. Perhaps we would meet up again, but for now, it just felt like that's the end of it all. Argh.

Oh, and I realise I can predict Guan Hong quite well. Haha. Like I can predict what he's gonna say next, just like how Candy is always so predictable. Maybe you guys should try to surprise me every now and then. Haha. But it's nice knowing that you think the same way as them, at least you know that they are friends that can connect to you at the same level! Haha. This is so fun. Everytime I predict something correctly, it feels good. Haha. Hee Hee.

I need a new direction..

Biologically unstable

2009-03-27T15:50:00.002-06:00

I must really be bored to be googling my own name. Nothing much came up except well.. really nothing came up.
Search for something else:
eternity but realising that
wishes are still wishes
nothing really lasts forever..
..::forget-me-not::..

Another night of bright lights

2009-03-27T15:49:00.001-06:00

I was just googling my name when I chanced upon a friend's entry. Nothing really significant but it was just nice to have that night captured in words.
BY Miss L
Second gathering was on 27 Dec (Sat): RJC judokas at Zhixu’s house. We had steamboat & I met up with a few people I haven’t seen in years. Other than the few whom I met up with last year (6 Years After RJC Judo), I’ve lost contact with the rest of them. My closest friend in RJC Judo, Jianhao, wasn’t there for the gathering. He abandoned me for another gathering. *But it’s okay. I forgive you. * So at times, I felt a bit out of place.
So we had the Judo gals - Liling, the engineer & me, the actor. Liling brought her bf, Faizal, who’s also an engineer. We have the doctors, Zhixu & Qianming, and the doctor-to-be, Guanhong. We have the trader, Jingmin. Yuanyiu brought his gf, Kehui, who’s also a banker. Star-studded cast, indeed. Haha. The next time we gather may be at a radically different setting… During Zhixu’s wedding next year. He’s planning to get married to Aisha, probably sometime in July. And that will mark the first matrimony amongst us.. Amazingly, Zhixu is the first to get hitched, as predicted.
This gathering stirred up many memories. Memories of my JC days, and the foolishness with which I treated my relationships & studies then. If I could live those days all over again with the knowledge I have now, I would definitely live my life differently. If I had not asked for too much, I wouldn’t have got more than I bargained for in the end. So nine years have passed.. But I look back & find that my heart is still the same. Maybe I should let the moment just freeze there, or maybe I should seek out the truth in 2009. I shall go with the flow, I guess. But I really hope to be able to build better ties with my JC friends once again.

Not knowing what to write.. because I have written so much ... and so little.

2009-03-22T13:32:00.003-06:00

It is another night which i cannot get to sleep. It is perhaps more of a tiredness or is it just the things on my mind that are keeping me up? I really do not dare to guess. I have a prized possession which I am about to give up. If I really give up, I would wish to turn my back and walk away without a glance. But Can I do it? I do not think so. There is no problem and yet there is a problem. It is something that has never occured before in the past 4 years but has surfaced recently. I was at a facebook page just now. The first thing on it was a message to another friend. How often do you write on your friend's facebook? Twice a week? For 2 to 3 months? That is pretty tiring. I wish I do not have to see this. HOw often do you call a close friend? How many times a week? I have many close friends. Chewlip, Saya, Elvin, Anna, Barry Etc. I do not message them often. I have never called them to chit chat. Never. Neither have they called me to chit chat. Maybe I am a monster. Who does not know how the mechanics of friendship work. I only care about myself. Is it really that normal to send a friend all the way from hougang to jurong every other week? After all, even if you are going out, how possibky could you have been going to Jurong all the time. My friends wouldnt even pick me up and send me to school even though we are both going to NUS. I am talking about Veron and Sara. SIghz. I do not know how bother I am about the fact that you treat him as a close friend or whether he treats you as a close friend. Since he knows I am unhappy, does he not know how to respect me and leave you alone for the time being? OR do I have to spell it out in his face? WIll that incur your wrath? I guess so. I have never done this before in the past 4 years. Unlikely that I would face another similar situation in the next 4 or 40 years. It is a peculiar and standalone issue. A particular person. I am not cutting off the ties. Just cooling off. Say not meet or contact him for a month. Or while I am away in Taiwan. I do not wish to bring myself to say it because I do not like the answer. So I shall not say it to any one else but my dear diary. SOmetimes the truth cannot be found here. Because they are covered and peppered with so many misleading statements that they are barely unrecognizable. But sometimes it is just from the bottom of my heart. Maybe it is more of your friendliness towards to a close friend that I cannot bear. I am not that petty. I know some of my female friends have close friends also. BUt they only meet up when they are really really free and that is once in a blue moon. AFter all everyone is doing different things. I wish no one will see this because I hate people gaining insight into my mind. My pathetic and deluded mind. IN fact my super long post I doubt no one other than the pandas have read it. But it was perhaps meant for her. I need to get to the bottom of this feeling I am having. But I am getting nowhere but deeper and deeper into murky waters. I am really kicking up a big fuss over a small matter. But that is what I do nowadays. Much ado about nothing. I really do not know how to continue writing this blog. Because I am as confused as how I am feeling. Anyway today I won a silver medal in the individual category and a bronze in the team event. It should have been a gold for the team but I screwed up big time. Not thinking clearly and being too complacent in both my own abilities and my friends'. I wish Barry all the best preparing for his exams because I miss him suddenly. I like him telling me that he doesn't mind other guys sending his gf to school because that takes the load off him. Doesn't mind her having other guy friends. I do not mind also. It is what she does that matters to me. and abit of what he does. There is really nothing going on and I am even willing to bet my last dollar on nothing going on between them now. But I am still bothered. Perhaps I just need him to tell her he likes her so i can have a legitimate reason to cast him away. BUt i do not have. So meanwhile I can only lose sleep over it and just be silly.

搞笑

2009-03-21T02:39:00.002-06:00

那一条牙膏在对我傻笑
嘲笑我永远用不掉
想睡就睡想闹就闹
好快乐少了人唠叨
蓝色的碗盘多买了一套
我忘了没人陪我通宵
要多少替代的丑角
无辜的陪笑
才会让我能真的忘了你的好
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了
还在搞笑
害怕回家不知怎麽熬
这麽多年早就习惯有你的撒娇
我想我能熬
但是至少要让我知道
你好不好
我们的小狗食量变好小
眼神里常常显得无聊
它习惯睡觉的床尾
少了一双脚
所以它常常看着门口睡不着
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了
突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了
我在搞笑却在醉后眼泪拼命飙
你的离开失去多少我计算不了
忙完了一天
突然觉得又何必辛劳
对谁炫耀
还在搞笑是否拥有麻痹的疗效
唱一夜歌却避不开催泪的曲调
我彻夜胡闹
希望听到有人会提到
你好不好

2009-03-18T13:13:00.000-06:00

风它怎会知道海被无端掀起的波涛

海它怎会知道船在天涯海角的飘摇

你又怎会知道你给的拥抱是个手铐

你不经意的笑都是让我灭顶的轻挑

爱它怎会知道他主宰生和死的煎熬

心它怎会知道幸福最后会变成苦恼

我又怎会知道我要的永恒不能到老

爱如此的轻挑我宁愿什黱承诺都不要

只一秒爱恨颠倒你管不了我的世界倾倒

爱在你的生命中只剩一个逃

只一秒心就碎了再看不到你的天荒地老

我在你的懦弱只找到轻挑

你在我的原谅却变成重要

2009-03-18T13:12:00.001-06:00

Just being emotional!

2009-03-13T10:49:00.003-06:00

Hohoho Tang Xin Feng Bao is such a fabulous show. The relationships there are so complex but the characters can make everything seem so hilarious.

Sometimes I wonder about my relationship. Is there anytime that I am made to feel more important than her friends? If she had to choose between me and her friends.. say just for a dinner or a date.. she would naturally choose me.. but she would feel abit unhappy having to choose. I would not hesitate. There are things she would not want to do. But I do. Maybe it is all about sacrificing! I am lonely now. Because there is no one to talk to on a friday night. She tells me I have to be independant. I have been independant for all my life. I learnt how to walk the forlorn night, how to enjoy my own company. I do not need anyone to tell me how to enjoy myself. Ever so, it is possible to feel both sad and satisfied at the same time. Because missing you is something that will always be on my mind. Maybe this is not something I can withstand for very long. The love is true. But having to make me feel second class is something I should not be feeling. Yah it could be my problem that I am feeling it now. It could be hers. But if there is a problem then it is still a problem.
I can give up the love of my life, even it means hurt for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is because I do not know how much it hurts to lose someone. I only know missing is painful also. And with my missing I am driving her further and further away. All for nothing. No wonder loving someone can be painful.

2009-03-03T00:25:00.003-07:00

Less troubled because she assured me she thinks of me more.

haha I never thought the sauve and cool guy that I am can be so emotional.

Life is indeed full of unexpected things.

Troubled

2009-03-02T13:01:00.003-07:00

How I wish I have the answers. Yet The answers may not be what I like.
SO I went to sleep just now. Flipped in the bed and got up after the darkness induced me to keep thinking. So in fact I did not sleep. What I did was switch off the comp and the lights and then lying in bed for a good 3 minutes before I felt my heart working up again.
It is not a good moment or good week to be thinking about getting answers to my questions. Painful questions. Both of us are busy. Next week perhaps. Or at least this week end.

Last month. So let us start with the email. She emailed him before she emailed me. The same email. She ended his with Love, fluffy. The soft toy I bought for her or rather paid for her while she was out with him and Weiying. She ended mine with Love, weiteng, xiaoxiong and fluffy. Xiaoxiong is another soft toy I bought for her.So, is she masquerading her liking for him behind fluffy's name? DOes the order she sent the same email to matters?

Fridays. I would always ask her if she needs me to pick her up from school on fridays. I wonder two fridays ago when she had to stay back for project with friends and declined my invitation. She stayed out till 2.30am until a guy friend sent her back. Did she rejected my invitation for his? I called her and heard a guy's voice. The phone was hung and I was told that the phone was not working. True the phone has not been working well quite often. But Was it deliberate? Has she ever declined my invitation just to go out with him?

She has not been calling me these few weeks or since last month. DOes she call him when she has good news or bad news? When she needed someone to talk to, someone to share her day with, who does she want to call. WHen I checked her phone, there were 20 over calls from him. From his army camp. Most of them are over 1 to 2 hours. and in the wee hours of the day. When we talk on the phone, we do not talk that long. There was even a 4 hour chat. Usually she would want to sleep by 2am or so.

She said she wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would be jealous. She had lied to me for 2 months. Then recently she wanted to stop contacting him or talking on the phone with him because she know I will be unhappy. That is what she told me when I found out and asked her why she lied. She had saved his name as Sheryl on her phone for fear I would see. AM I really that horribly jealous?

There were days when she would go back to her NTU hostel with him coz he stays near her and drives. They have watched a movie together. God,, they have even collected a few prizes which I won for her together. They enjoy supper together and mahjong together. Yah I know she has been trying to tell me of his existence and trying to get me to meet her friends in hope that I will accept him. But that is no longer the main issue here. She told me she will never like him.. or is that what she said? or issit she will always like me? but also like him at the same time?

And of course, he used to like her way back in secondary school. She rejected him. She has always treated him as a good friend and nothing more.

Of course I told her I would accept their friendship. However it is just impossible for me to accept that she cares about him more than me. Somemore I have known her for 4 years plus and we have been really close all the time. She just kinda rekindled their friendship before christmas and they seem to be really close , maybe even soul mates in that period of time.

So am I being selfish if i cling on to her? Why not let her have a go with him and see if she would develop a stronger relationship with him than with me. ROmantically. I have suggested that to her and perhaps we should just do it. Get her to declare herself available to all guys and see if he chases her. I think he still likes her. WHy?

During Vday, I was kinda stuck in my gran's wake. Not that I hated it because it is my responsibility as her grandson to be there for her during her last trip. SO he jestingly offered her to join him on vday if she doesnt get a date from me. Yes just joking you know. I know too well about just jokings. So if I had not made time for her on Vday, would she really have gone out with him if he actually asked?I asked her that but she insisted that he is just joking. SO no answer though I suspected that she would have probably gone out with him if I werent free that day. I need an answer to that. A truthful answer. SO if the answer is yes. What does it mean?

Would u settle for someone who loves u 99%? or maybe 80 % in my case. I know she is true to me but what she has done during these few months, does it constitute an emotional betrayal? She said she never considered him romantically at all. She treats him like a sister. Like her best friend Candy. Is she lying to herself?

Well, she said with tears on sat that she would give him up for me. She would give up her best friend candy for me and she would give up her life to save mine if possible. I had asked her to choose between me and him.

She told me she is very sure she will not have feelings for him and will stay true to me. She says it is because of my inherent distrust and preconceived perception that all guys cannot be trusted and that I only trust myself and not others that I am making such a big fuss out of this. She gets angry and frustrated when i forbade her to be friends with him, saying that why cannot she have good friends? That is a valid point/

So if one day I am busy which might be so often. And we quarrel. Will she turn to him? Will I be rational enough not to suggest we break up because she has done that? So should I just let her go before the hurt become irreparrable?

Of course after so many years of knowing her, this is the first time I have noticed her getting close to a guy. That 4 hours of chatting cannot just all be about me can it? ALl the things done in the last two months between him and her just seem like that intense feeling of love when you first meet someone you like.

Perhaps it is her fear of me being sad that she does not want to try my suggestion? That she declares herself single and let him woo her. WHat should really be the correct way forward now?
Maybe because I am there, thats why they never develop any further? Is it possible that her explanation of treating him like a sister is true? As in true for her and for me. Or is it just a way to cover up the excitement of falling in love. Refusing to acknowledge it because to do so would means being unfaithful to me?

First, for her to declare herself available. He would have to come out and say he likes her if he really does. And I am willing to bet my camera that he does. Am I being silly by allowing such a thing to happen when clearly now I have all the advantages? I think I need to do it because I hate the fact that she thinks of him more than me in a day sometimes. or most of the time. Is that really acceptable? She will take his calls, off my calls when he is around? or is it not true? I need answers to that also.

I need her to inspect her own feelings. And decide that whether she did develop any fondness for him. IS it love? I think it is possible to like and love two persons at the same time. So should I begrudge her for doing so ? So next, should I allow her to continue being friends with him? I really have no wish to do that. It puts me in a very negative light especially with her friends who know about it. Hell the whole world will think I am a jealous bastard.

Lets have two scenarios: first is she really likes to talk to him and shares with him her stuff and msges him and go out with him more than me for the last two months.
In that case, is it fair for me to demand she stop seeing him? Of course I can try to make her happier, make life more exciting for both of us. But the hurt of knowing that she has strayed emotionally will be great. Isnt it damn ironical that I am trying to Replace him? This is the scenario I would hate to face most but I think that might be the case.

Now if she declares herself single... say I ask her to .. just so I can trick him to come out and say he likes her. Of course if he does not like her then all is good. If he does, should I forbide them going out together?

Second scenario: she just occasionally talks to him and went out with him once or twice. She thinks about me more and feels more excited being with me. Then of course I would not even bother to ask her to stay away.

her friends and aunt seem to think I am exerting too much influence on her. She should have the freedom to make friends. But now it may not be that simple anymore. After all, alot of things suggests that this is a deep friendship.. but a friendship that can supercede a relationship.. does that happen? maybe if it does than I will be able to accept it. But i just dont wish to be thought of less frequently than him.

How I wish Aunt Agony or AUnty Barry would help with this dilemma. Uncle Colin and XUeting jiejie may also be good advisors since they have plenty of experience with relationships. I need a paragraph by paragraph analysis... hahaha coz these are the questions bothering me.

Friday Night Movie

2009-02-27T13:52:00.003-07:00

I just sent an sms to myself. Because the world is sleeping right now. I should be sleeping but my heart aches. A gnawing pain localized to the left side of my chest. The only tormentor might be just myself. With the room dark and air still, my senses are hyperactivated when they should be dull and diminished.
The evening I had watched a movie. It was a love story which was interrupted by the distrust and suspicions of the lead actor. He is helpless against his own emotions which took a life of their own. He created demons where there should not be and persecuted his most beloved. Yet it is not a straightforward storyline. There was fear from his love which prevented her from sharing her world with him.
He thought they were sharing the same world until her revelation proved him wrong. Something like A beautiful mind where Russell Crowe lived in a make believe world and put his trust so wholeheartedly in that fabrication that he could not get out of it despite being told the truth. The movie which I watched never reveal which world was real. His or hers. Or rather which one was fake.
In the show he had chanced upon a clandestine letter in her possession which promises tiring kisses and shared memories by a male friend. In that moment he wanted to seize possession of the letter, she had burnt it. In her defense, she claimed she was afraid he would overreact to a piece of unworthy letter written in jest by an acquintance. While she tried to bring him to the writer of the letter, there were no traces and nothing verifiable. In his mind he knows he should trust her. Yet objectively such circumstances are highly suspicious.
It is a parallel of life when viewing issues objectively, the result is hurtful. Yet the subjective would claim that the objective is being subjective because the views are dissimilar. Because of a fear of the male lead, his love left out bits and pieces of her life to him. She had come to be scared of his jealousy which might destroy which they have built together. Yet now when he seeks the truth, they are out of his reach. He fills in the gaps with his own deductions which are just deductions. The late nights out where she could not be reached. The convenient breakdown of her only form of communication during such late nights. Her recent revelations that there were matters she dare not open up to him. While innocent at first glance, to the one who wears colored lens, they stand out immediately.
While I am not fit to be a movie critic, I may do well to summarize the plot. Yet I may do so blindly because I view them through my eyes which is influenced by all that I am and all that has happened to me. Is there really an objective judge in the world? Even the most precise of all systems, the underlying principle is unpredictability. In quantum physics, the cutting edge of technology and the science of mankind, you may predict position accurately or velocity. Never two of them together correctly. The closer to the truth one is, the greater the deviation is the other one.
I have a poser. How shall they resolve this seed of doubt? Humiliating the girl by getting her to seek out the writer to clarify matters? In which case highlights the lack of trust due to her by her love. Or shall the protaganist put a stop to all this by not probing further? Yet the doubt remains to whether the letter was geniunely written as a nasty prank or as conveyance of intention in an affair? While he trusts her character, how can he let things rest when his mind could not let go? Well the scale may tip towards her, he has been hurt before in similar fashion. The ghosts would not rest.
So our man continues his search for an answer. Yet every clue he chance upon appears unfavourable. He knows that might just be the elephant phenomenon which 4 blind guys each felt different parts of the elephant. They never had the full picture of the enormous beast and hence came to understand that an elephant is a trunk, a rope, a nozzle and a sail respectively. There are characters in her world that utterly bewildered him. They were like shadows of another world, shapes he found familiar but couldnt recognise.
So to spare him the agony, should she tell him the truth? Because of all he had ever done for her deserve an answer to his quandary he is facing. So the whole story is about a tragedy. Is it the most tragic thing if what she said is really true but he had failed to be convinced. Or Saddest when she never tell him the truth ever? Or the inability to differentiate between the two?

Travels

2009-02-25T03:27:00.003-07:00

,

Every year during the holidays I will take time off to travel. I have been to Taiwan and China and I will be heading for Japan this coming december holidays.

When classes are out, there is plenty of time for personal pursuits and I find extra joy in combined community service with travelling.

For the last 3 decembers, I have been to Yunnan, China, a place of great poverty in China. In fact it is one of the poorest county in China. Because of the vast population in China, not everyone gets an equal chance in society. Many of the kids there do not have the chance to get even a secondary education.

1st year I went there I helped the farmers build a irrigation reservoir so that less work is needed on the farm. The children may then have more time to study. Then we spent a day at a local school teaching the children about the culture of Singapore.

2nd year I visited a rural boarding school. Their rooms were dilapidated. We made new beds for them. We spent about 8 days of our trip there working in a spacious workshop drilling and sawing planks and wood.

Last year we built a basketball court for the youths of ManMan Village. Hopefully that will keep their teenagers occupied and away from other more hazardous activities like biking.

Every year we would visit this Lepers' village. It is atop a mountain, a climb takes 1 hour. People with leprosy, a disease that degenerates your peripheral nerves, are left there for good. They are usually old and have some form of disability. You know they will never make it back to civilisation or home. What we do is to provide companionship and love for them.

Goodbye

2009-02-20T12:59:00.002-07:00

I was never that close to my paternal grandma. So when I held the incense burner and her photo, it felt strange. It is like discovering a part of you which is so inherent and yet alien. She was someone I wished I could have gotten to know better. Yet I was glad that this distance made her passing bearable. When my maternal gran left me, I almost took 2 years to stop feeling sick. I conceal things well so the grief was not apparent.

I called out to her as instructed by the undertaker. Beware of the bridges, come home and bless your offsprings. It was a very natural thing, her passing away because she had been so old. Yet I still vividly remember the younger days when I was just a toddler or just growing up. Ageing begins exponentially once you go past a certain age. As a kid, you always looked forward to visiting your grandparents. I was no exception and really liked going to see her. The house was always so mystical and full of drawers and cupboards for me to explore.

Thursday night was sad. Because there were many people crying around me. We were too late to the hospital. A sort of lifelessness and paleness was there in the bed waiting for us. The veins no longer pulsate with each beat of the heart because there will no longer be any more contractions. The color had gone and while I held her hand, I was no longer holding any part of my grandmother. There was a tinge of sadness, a kind of sourness that made my eyes sting. No tears. But my heart broke at the sound of the wailings around me. Sadness can be perfectly conveyed through desolate sobs.

I felt sad because I was never her favourite. I was never the closest to her in the family. The yearly chinese new year visits had ceased. Though I made one or two trips to check out how she was, they were more of an obligation to my dad. yes I was fulfiling an obligation. Yet it was still an act of love. because I knew and understood how he felt. How painful it is to lose one's closest. I made sure while my dad cannot walk the final distance with his mother, I represented him. The prayers and joss sticks were duly offered. The kowtows and offerings of vegetarian food were made. I am sorry that I felt the sorrow as a channel and not the vessel. Because I knew it hurts to have so much love and still ultimately lose it. I dare not love her.

A strange thought came to me at the funeral. Looking around, most of the family are older than me. How many of their departures must I witness before I cease to be? Indeed to be human is to be suffering. While someone optimistically put it : when you enter this world, you are crying and everyone is smiling. When you leave, you are smiling and everyone else is crying. He forgot the grief and hopelessness often present during the final goodbye. Do we gain emotional freedom by not loving? No attachment to anything tangible. To want to ease suffering only because it is the right thing to do and not because you want to?

CRAP

2009-02-19T23:38:00.003-07:00

this is a really bizzare dream that I had. it was about a naked kid in the middle of this blue room. The paint was still wet and there are tins of paints with splashes at the side. The kid took a step forward towards the door when suddenly an earthquake occured and the walls tumbled onto him. He drowned in the paint while getting every single bone crushed by the crumbling walls. Of coz such an absurb story as the above was never what I dreamt about. so here is the one yesterday. it was during the one hour of sleep I managed to grab before I headed to TTSH. I had somehow managed to obtain a very powerful and magical object which grants wishes. I wished for my cousin to still be alive. All of a sudden, he walked in and I seem to recognise him to be at the age of 15. His two sisters appeared as well. The sense of relief and exultation was incredible. I was never very closed to him but to see somehow come back from the dead is just like a wonderful dream. A god appear and it was actually his father. The god demanded I hand over the magic object to him and I knew if I did so, my cousin's revival would be shortlived. I made a run for it until I ran out of my dream. Then again just 10 minutes ago, after my afternoon nap, I had another strange dream. Of course this time round, people like qt or cl might actually think this to be a very normal dream for me. I was facing my gf who seemed to be very cold and distant. Perhaps I was feeling lonely or was it arousal, I requested for a moment of intimacy. Perhaps that is when I would mind an eternity for a moment. However she was impassived and made no move towards me. Heartbrokened, I wriggled about like a plague-strickened worm. I continued to motion for her approach so that we can be closer in spirit and body but still the inanimated state remained in defiance. I was almost broken emotionally and I guess only physical touch can repair my soul. Of course that was just a dream or rather a nightmare. I always tell my friends that it is good and in fact wonderful to get intimate. Imagine a cheesecake. What if you are hungry and yet you know that you have nothing but a cheesecake which is stored in a fridge ten and hundreds of miles away from you. Even when you have transversed the distance to reach the fridge, you found it locked? You are just minutes away from dying and the only recipe for survival is so near yet so far. I think I am droning on and on endlessly because I am kinda feeling very shitty now. As in I feel like going toilet because the shit is up my ass. But anyway the right prescription for a relationship would ideally be 1 or 2 makeout or jogging sessions once a week.Which ever is better for the cardiovascular system. Worse come to worse, if there is no place and time, the bare minimum is once a month. No place no time? Find it man! If the couples are into morally defying stunts then go ahead by all means. They could certainly make do with the present the Pandas gave to B. I am so full of crap!
The above sounded so wrong .. I really had no idea what I was thinking when I typed it. haha Really groggy and I just went ahead and let my fingers work on their own.

I would love sundays as most couples do. This is the day where your gf visits your house and most importantly your bedroom. Someone who is very wise once told me( it was a voice in my head), once you have a girl in your room, never let her leave without any form of payment or gratification. I fully believed in that mantra. Which is perhaps why I never allowed my friends to come to my house. What if they enter my room? haha Just joking.

Just to supplement this whole piece of nonsense, and to revisit an old conversation I had with some of my close friends...
Guess i Shall not finish this today and now..

Good or bad?

2009-02-08T09:11:00.001-07:00

I know it is good. It feels good right? The movies say so, the books mention it, and even songs are making it look awesome. So what is wrong with sex? After all, it is an activity that actually will prolong your life. The cardiovascular workout during sex parallels that of intense sprinting. The emotions and sensations experienced are addictive even.
Yet when sex carried out before marriage is generally frowned upon. No one dares to talk about it openly, at least not in Singapore. The religions are clearly also not in favour of such intimacy before the wedding bells ring.
I tend to fall into the camp of the conservatives. Moral values are guidelines set to preserve the good of the general population. It is indeed moral not to engage in sex before marriage. After all, sex without the safeguards of marriage are not without disadvantages. Starting sex at an early age is a proven risk factor for cervical and prostate cancer. Mentally, the parties involved might not be mature enough. There is also the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Even pregnancy is viewed as one by many teenage mothers.
Marriage generally comes when both parties are mature enough and have the financial ability to support a family. The reason for sex after marriage is the same. There is also the emotional baggage. Some notable headlines are hogged by jealous jilted lovers who expose the sexual details of a relationship after a breakup. It can lead to embarrassment and castigation for the victim. The aunties at the market never stop talking about it. It even japordizes future relationships.
No protection is ever 100%. Becoming pregnant before marriage has become a common parody on serial dramas. That is because the drawbacks are obvious.9 months of pregnancy from 90 minutes of pleasure. The unwed mother has to juggle work and baby while bearing the stigma associated from being one. Somehow the guy always disappears. It will all be well and good if the guy takes responsibility, unless he is mentally or financially uncapable of supporting a family which is usually the case.
Abortion leaves behind mental and physical scars. Not to mention that it conflicts with virtually all known religions. Yes, including scientology.
Lastly, sex after marriage is good. Heavenly even. After all, saving the best for the last makes it really tantalizing. It might even strengthen a relationship knowing that both parties have saved themselves for each other. The converse might be true also.
Well, you can even plan for it after marriage. It is known as family planning. No one casts weird glance at you when you talk about family planning. So forget about the one night stands and giving in to your boyfriend's demands. If he really loves you, he will wait for you.

Recovery

2009-02-07T10:59:00.004-07:00

I spent Thursday night and Friday morning waiting for a call I hope would either never come or just come as quickly as possible. It would be the call that announced the passing away of my grandmother. The doctors did not give her much of a chance after she was warded for respiratory failure. Her carbon dioxide was escalating and she could not breathe properly. I received the news stoically. It was with a certain sense of inevitability that the whole family took the news. There were not many red eyes, though I think that would come later. As of now, her will to live overcame her ailing lungs and I really hope she pulls through it. With a suspected pneumonia that could be the precipitating cause of her breathing difficulties, and now she has fought to gain more time, she could win the battle against the pneumonia. She was in a stupor on thurday due to the excessive carbon dioxide buildup, but today when I visited her she recognized me.

Life can just change in that split second. Earlier this month, the rest of the family were planning to celebrate her 92nd birthday. The sms reminder was sent to my dad's phone. On thursday, a crying cousin called me to say that my gran could not make it. Just today, I phoned home and told my parents that things are looking decidedly brighter. Clear her lungs and she would be able to breathe properly on her own again. Right now, she is on BiPAP. I was certainly never very close to my gran. After all she had given up the privilege to take care of me when I was young. Most of the other grandchildren were left with her so that their parents could work. However I still held her hand today and reassured her that she would get well. I will take her out for a meal once she gets out of hospital.

Sometimes it can be scary taking responsibility. Now most of my relatives look to me as the representatives of my family. No longer my ageing parents. In a sense maybe my parents do that sometimes. I really do not like the waiting while my gran was comatose. I along with the rest had thought or were thinking when would she breathe her last gasp of air. In recent years, apart from the lessons and postings in the hospitals, I have been visiting them more regularly than I would have liked. There were my dad's stroke, my ahma's final days, my dad's hematemesis and his scheduled trips to the gastroenterologist. I took had to get medications for my mum and dad. Now my gran is also stuck there and that was apart from a few other hospitalisations last few years. CGH, TTSH, NUH. Maybe AH and IMH and I have a complete grandslam already.

Still I pretend to be in control. I speak and the rest of the family would listen. I explained to them the situation and they understood and were grateful. I would monitor my dad's medication and make sure he does not skip them at will. I force him for his biannual scans and pray for the best. I guess it is comes with growing up. I am already so old, so who else do they turn to? Sometimes that is why I like to travel. I just take care of myself and there is nothing I cannot do.
When I get homesick then I would just come home. Maybe that is why I go to Yunnan every year. Maybe that is why I really enjoyed the trip to KL and Japan. Even though I lost my wallet in KL, asking strangers for money was really exciting.

After all if I can take care of 3 people or 4 people, surely I can survive on my own. Go Japan, learn Japanese. With a medical degree, life cannot be too bad I guess. Taiwan is another good destination. Perhaps that thought stem from the fact that despite having all my friends in Singapore and having spent all my life here, I can get bored easily. Some afternoons or nights I would just feel lonely and clueless what should I do. Going to the movies was something I like to do. However now I just feel guilty that I am not studying instead.

Why do I put in so little effort in my studies? There is a reason I guess. Or should it be an excuse? Well, it does not really matter to me because I know in the end I will get the task done. At least that has been the case so far. Perhaps I am still trying to recover from some form of burn out. In the army, on top of my national duties, there were 7 to 9 tuitions per week. I had enjoyed it at that time. Perhaps I just had students who were more fun last time. Then in uni, I really wrecked myself by joining Judo, ODAC and Yunnan. Especially during the second year when I was captain of the club, Chairman of all the martial arts performance, and Yunnan comm. ALways in the background there were 6 to 8 tuitions. Even after giving up everything extra curricular last year, the tuitions stuck. Now when I have the time, I rather just slack.

So I shall stop here for today although I really have alot to say. Over the years, this has still remained my best listening ear. Good nightz. 3 competitions I had to force myself not to join.. a potential 10000 bucks gone. Vday contests are really popular in February and I wonder why. Just could not find anyone to join with me. I could surely do with a nice Goldheart necklace. Yah.. a nice necklace.

A nice necklace...

Just a footnote. If I had typed this on Thursday, my title would surely not have been recovery. Perhaps " The End" ?

IT is high time I wrote something for my own blog.. but this is not it.

2009-02-01T15:44:00.003-07:00

Rules (copy and paste from somewhere): once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. at the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. you have to tag the person who tagged you. if i tagged you, it’s because i want to know more about you!
1. It is already 6.05am and I have not slept for the whole night. I am listening to Olivia Ong and MayDay. This 25things about me is something I have been wanting to write for quite a long time but I always have not found the time.

2. I am probably not going to let any one know about the 25things about me by deliberately tagging them. I am just like that, as open as a book but you have got to take the initiative.

3. I miss my old friends alot. I have been wanting to catch up with many of them but never seem to be able to find the time. How I wish I can return to that day in 1995 in a certain Ngee Ann Primary School.

4. I am a typical gemini. There is goodness and evil in me. I enjoy the crowds and yet relish the loneliness. There is always two sides of me which are so contrasting.

5. So it is really all about me? Shall I continue with a psychoanalysis or should I just state really banal facts? I sometimes have spending urge. Bought a drama serial and 3 movies on friday.

6. I would love to travel the rest of my life away. I would like to experience life in a different and alien city. Meet new people and start a new life. Then when I gain familiarity, I would just move on.

7. Sometimes I like a sad love story. I like sad love songs. Perhaps the most beautiful things are not that are perfect. But those with regret.

8. A cockroach appeared on the wall. It is a small one and I went for it with a plastic wrapper. Thought I squashed it but it flew straight at me. Gave a war cry and frightened the damned cockroach. It is still around in my room.

9. My second ambition is to be a teacher. I really like talking to a large bunch of people and earning their respect and admiration.

10. I will treat old folks and poor people for free or at discounted rates next time. That is what my mother taught me. Blessed are those who can help others.

11. I would always donate money to old female beggars.

12. I watch movies alone alot. I like spontaneity. I can just go into a bookshop and read if I feel like it. Or when I was younger, head down to Hereens and spend the whole afternoon listening to music.

13. I make a very good boyfriend and husband because I think I know how to protect, care and love my other half. There is always an element of surprise or good fun when I am around.

14. I only write good things about myself. I know the bad stuff but I am too arrogant to let the whole world know.

15. I see the cockroach again. It is climbing up the wall again. Smack. Gotcha. Threw it out of the window.

16. I am really scared of death. Because I do not have a religious belief. It will just mean the end of everything I love and the end of my own existence. I used to have nightmares about dying. Cannot stay in the dark. I get panic attacks occasional still.

17. I miss my grandmother, my 1st uncle and my aunt. I was the first in the family to receive the news of death of two of them. I can never forget the moments.

18. I am scared of betrayals. Only when I am certain it is the right one then I will commit.

19. I have always wanted to learn music. Either the piano, guitar or singing. I cannot do any of them. Maybe that is why I like musically inclined girls. Especially with a sweet voice.

20. I still want to play judo. I would like to end my Judo career with a black belt and a senior gold medal. I have garnered a few golds and silvers and bronze along the way but I would love to do it all over again.

21. No one truly understands me because I present a different character to different people. That does not mean I am any less real. It is just me. I react to people. Then again that is how many people are like as well.

22. I value the substance of something, not the form. I can be really crass with my belongings because how they look does not really matter to me. I will seldom cry over lost stuff unless they are given to me by people I really care about.

23. I like to sing. In an alternate universe, I am a world famous superstar. Millions listen to me and it will just be a pleasure to sing for them.

24. I have plenty of good luck. ALmost everything happens sooner or later according to my wishes. SOmetimes it almost feel too good to be true. I attribute it to little things in life that I do like being , filial to parents, faithful to friends and giving up seats to old folks, pregnant ladies and really fat ladies.

25. I do not drink, flirt or smoke. I eat alot though. Sometimes I think I lead too holy a life. Perhaps I can go out to have a wild night at a pub or what but that is just not my type of life. I perfer to stay at home, retrospective and introspective at night.

2009-01-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

带你心飞你总是腼腆用幽默语言填满我心里的小缺陷灌溉满座花园让我住里面对你我怎么可能心不在焉你总是淘气用微笑双眼照亮我生活每个阴天编织整片屋檐让我躲里面对你我没有抱怨我为你泡的咖啡额外加了甜赶走夜的晕眩我为你准备一整年的喜悦一步一个脚印让幸福实现我喜欢你却又偏偏喜欢我零时差的拥有点燃温柔让孤单解冻小心翼翼享受你害羞逗留我喜欢追你却偏偏喜欢躲无条件的邂逅爱到现在刚好半生熟投递着微妙的感动

最怕空气突然安静最怕朋友突然的关心最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息最怕突然听到你的消息想念如果会有声音不愿那是悲伤的哭泣事到如今终於让自已属於我自已只剩眼泪还骗不过自己突然好想你你会在哪里过的快乐或委屈突然好想你突然锋利的回忆突然模糊的眼睛我们像一首最美丽的歌曲变成两部悲伤的电影为什麽你带我走过最难忘的旅行然后留下最痛的纪念品我们那麽甜那麽美那麽相信那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经为何我们还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去突然好想你你会在哪里过的快乐或委屈突然好想你突然锋利的回忆突然模糊的眼睛最怕空气突然安静最怕朋友突然的关心最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息最怕突然听到你的消息最怕此生已经决定自己过没有你却又突然听到你的消息

2009-01-30T23:16:00.001-07:00

爱情是一种怪事我开始全身不受控制爱情是一种本事我开始连自己都不是为你我做了太多的傻事第一件就是为你写诗为你写诗为你静止为你做不可能的事为你我学会弹琴写词为你失去理智为你写诗为你静止为你做不可能的事为你弹奏所有情歌的句子我忘了说最美的是你的名字爱情是一种怪事你的笑容是唯一宗旨爱情是一种本事我在你心里什么位子为你我做了太多的傻事第一件就是为你写诗为你写诗为你静止为你做不可能的事为你我学会弹琴写词为你失去理智为你写诗为你静止为你做不可能的事为你弹奏所有情歌的句子我忘了说最美的是你的名字为你写诗为你静止为你做不可能的事为你我学会弹琴写词为你失去理智为你写诗为你静止为你做不可能的事为你弹奏所有情歌的句子我忘了说最美的是你的名字我什么都能忘记但唯一不忘是你的名字我什么都能忘记但唯一不忘是你的样子我什么都能忘记但唯一不忘是你的名字我什么都能忘记但唯一不忘是你的样子~~

五月天-你不是真正的快乐飞叶在线放飞心情人群中哭着你只想变成透明的颜色你再也不会梦或痛或心动了你已经决定了你已经决定了你静静忍着紧紧把昨天在拳心握着而回忆越是甜就是越伤人了越是在手心留下密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色你决定不恨了也决定不爱了把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳这世界笑了於是你合群的一起笑了当生存是规则不是你的选择於是你含着眼泪飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色你决定不恨了也决定不爱了把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳你不是真正的快乐你的伤从不肯完全的愈合我站在你左侧却像隔着银河难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了然后才后悔着你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色你决定不恨了也决定不爱了把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳你不是真正的快乐你的伤从不肯完全的愈合我站在你左侧却像隔着银河难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了你值得真正的快乐你应该脱下你穿的保护色为什麽失去了还要被惩罚呢能不能就让悲伤全部结束在此刻重新开始活着

In mirth

2009-01-29T10:14:00.002-07:00

The time now is 1.29am in the morning. The mood is languid and I am struggling. I have not been a faithful companion of this blog. No constant updates or pouring of my feelings. Just an occasional glance and some perfuctionary posts.

At times I feel I have plenty to confide in you and yet when the time comes when I am seated in front of the comp, the words dry up and the brain goes awry. Came across this messy poem:

When you entered my life
it became lufe because U are in it and
it really sounds like love.

Now bees think I am their hive
coz sweetness has become a habit
its only you whom I serve

In that lorry that you drive
you are still a pretty girl every bit
while I admire in mirth

I promise to take you on a dive
then we will munch on lobsters as tibit
watching the sun set in Perth

So in love I won't skive
protecting you as long as my heart will beat
with all the love you deserve

I should really go to sleep because I am seeing pink elephants already.

My Dirty Mind

2009-01-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

Really unforgettable shows: either they suck or they are good

2009-01-06T10:51:00.004-07:00

Wonderfully designed Movie Posters: WHY SO SERIOUS?

2009-01-06T10:47:00.002-07:00

1st day in Japan

2008-12-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

The time is 1.24 am in Yokohama. I am seated on my bed, with my laptop and the TV on. Right now I am staying at Shin Yokohama Prince Hotel. A garantuan 42 storey modern themed hotel situated in the heart of Shin Yokohama.
Today was not a very good day to tour the place although I did go to Tokyo for lunch. IT is pretty amazing stuff considering that last friday I was still worrying my ass off whether I can handle the EOPT. Right now I am enjoying superb Japanese hotel services or rather courtesy because they are great at offering you services.
I arrived at NArita airport at 7.15am an hour later than Singapore's time. It is indeed a wonderful place, Japan. Everyone is unbelievably pleasant and helpful. Except I really cannot make head or tail what they are trying to say. It all sounds like a gigantic porn movie without the porn. Not that I have watched many but perhaps it might be a good way to improve my Japanese.
So there is this Limosine bus which took me straight to my hotel from the airport. A journey that lasted the whole of 2 hours. The wind was cold and the rain started falling in bits and pieces. Much like raining water crumbs. As the clock continue the its circular motion of its limbs, the temperature fell further and by the time I got to the hotel, it was really too cold to be going anywhere. The raindrops conspired to take away more heat from us.
I was told at the checkin at the hotel that the room is only available at 2pm. Something which I encountered during my trip to Ansaca Hotel in KL. So at 9.20am local time, I was left with the option of paying 1500 yen for each hour earlier I decided to check in or just hanging around and explore the place abit.
Despite the icy breath of nature abound outside, I decided to chance my thick layer of cold resistance fat against the peri-zero conditions. I started out by making a short run over to the mall just besides the hotel. With Yoshinoya and KFC in sight, there was a chance to settle in with some familiar food before I experience with something more adventurous. The whole menu was different for both restaurants but at least the cashier speaks good english at KEnturket Fried Chicken. She looked Fillipino but with a Japanese name I felt inappropriate to bring my curiosity further. The food over here is expensive. With a simple burger and drink costing almost 450 yen. That is around 8 bucks in Sing dollars.
By dinner time I had gotten over the huge price tags and decided that a $20-$30 dollar meal is acceptable for a few days. But back to morning, the kind lady took about 20 minutes or so and involved almost every staff just to answer my question of how to get to Tokyo cheaply and fast from Shin Yokohama. I was really touched by her heart of servitude and she even GAVE me an umbrella because she saw that I was not carrying any. She was phillipino looking and had dark skin and big nose, not to mention the Ronald Macdonald smile. Quite ironic considering that she is working in KFC. BUt i am truly grateful to her assistance because even with her advice, I got stumped a few times by the massive number of lines and train services at their interchange. She is definitely in possession of a gorgeous personality. By the way, another lady waitress who seemed to be in her 40s looks quite delicate and attractive for a 40-year-old. That was a trend I noticed, even the old girls here look quite decent. I began to wonder why so many of them look like Taitais with their big and expensive fur coat,classy boots and elegant gloves. Then I realized maybe they are really Taitais. The devilish part of me wonder if they worked part time to earn more income for the family.
Getting to Tokyo was a rather arduous affair. Taking the subway from Shin Yokohama to Yokohama was relatively fast and straight forward. But at Yokohama there are so many interconnected lines that it gave me a headache trying to figure just where is the correct line. I even spent 10 minutes studying a map of the route of one of the lines before the policeman told me I am at the wrong place. Finding the correct Tokaido line proved to be much more difficult than I orginally envisage. YEt getting back from Shin Yokohama was a much more direct and easy matter . Mainly because I have such a good memory for places.
I had wanted to go to the Imperial palace near Tokyo station but the heavens were not helping me. With the rain showing no signs of abatement, the cold wind proving too much for my lipo covering and jacket, I had no choice but to stay within the shopping malls. There was a food street which looks more like a food town. There were just so many interconnected streets and shops which made it definitely easy for me to lose my way. I was still getting to get used to the price, because everytime I convert the quoted price back to SIng, I was left gasping. SO i headed down to Daimaru and bought a ten piece sushi for 780 yen and a ebi for 280 yen. Green tea was 240. So that became my lunch, something detrimental to my wallet but still healthier than dining at those ramen or sushi shops. Finding a place to sit was the more tiring and monumentous task of my day. There were simply no seats to be had in that 100 acre of shopping and commerical district. Not that I am sure of how big exactly is 100 acre. I meant it figuratively. But there were really no seats. Except for a row of REST station where there were about 10 seats but they were all occupied. I suspect that those who sat on it gave people an impression of being downtrodden and jobless. Either it is the seats or they are really wandering souls.
So after half an hour or meaningless walk through the whole area and not really paying attention to the shops and surroundings we found some benches marginally beneath the external edge of the compound/ It was sort of a waiting place for people looking to embark on long distance journey to other parts of Japan. ok I mean it is a bus stop.
At first the bus was blocking the rain so I put up with the poisoneous fumes emitted passionately whenever the bus arrives or takes off. Even so, it was still cold. And towards the end, the buses started to run out and I was left with little cover and had to finish my cold sushi meal with my muscles in overdrive shivering.
That was when I decided I had enough and shall not scrap and save for any more meals here. After all it is only 4 more days and with so many top notched chefs and famous eateries around I am not doing myself a favour.
I made my way back after lunch and checked into my room on the 23rd floor. It overlooks the city and now the traffic has ceased to random moving spotlight once in a while. There is a pay TV for porn for 1000 yen in my room. You have to get this TV card from the vending machine outside. I slept straight away because I did not do so on the plane. With the inflight entertainment screening of Batman plus the attractive stewardesses proving too great an impetus not to sleep.
I had wanted to wake at 6 to explore the city but only managed to pry my eyes open at 9.30pm. So it was just a short trip around the area to get my dinner and I settled for Pizza. I should really be eating more Japanese food rather than Italian food. But more shops are closing and it was really hard to decide which was worth a punt. So I ordered a cheesy pizza and a cake. The cake was definitely worth every penny and must be one of the best I had ever tasted this year. It is a layered fruit cake with dough and egg layers interpersed by delicious cream and sliced picecs of fruits. Describing it hardly do any justice. I shall let my waistline bear testimony to the satisfaction I felt eating the cake.
So at 11pm I realized the time was right. So I took a 1000 yen and made my way out. The selection was immense and I was really impressed with the Japanese for being able to make everything vendingmachined. OF course I am not talking about the pay card that was required for me to watch porn. It is the vending machines on level one where I can get hotdogs and chicken pieces and ice cream and soft drinks and beer.
Too bad it was not a day I got to know more about Japanese culture and the places but hey at least I got a few shots with the staff at the Italian restuarants to show!

Drogba is back, Anelka scored again and Chelsea drew again.

2008-12-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

The title of the post says it all. It was another frustrating night for me as I watch my beloved team slump to yet another disappointment at home. Intriguing, I struggle to recall a time where I wore my Blue Chelsea Jersey and my team won. Perhaps I am just being paranoid but I am mildly convinced that I am a sort of curse to my favourite football club.
Knowing that tonight's West Ham is easy meat, or so I believed, I decided to test that theory again. Hoping to break the jinx once and for all, I ended up with eggs on my face as Chelsea couldn't score more than twice in 90 minutes and dropped points at Stamford Bridge once more.
Drogba is looking fit and dangerous again and Anelka is taking the chances coming his way. So I probably shouldn't be complaining. They do take time to gel and the most crucial part would be in February and March. That is when the top of the table is getting more defined and Champions League action is coming thick and fast. I am still unconvinced of the abilities of Deco even though he has scored a triplet of good goals so far. HIs passes appear to be always going astray and where is the vision that he guaranteed us? Nothing penetrating so far and nothing very exquisite. Perhaps he should be taken off instead of Joe Cole who can at least drag the opposition wide or beat them with his trickery and pace.
I am still betting on Deco to come good. Hopefully Ballack shakes off his rustiness soon and perform as he did the later part of last season. Sometimes we get too dependent on Bosingwa and if he has an off day, we usually stutter.
With the January transfer window looming, I think we really need a dynamic or willy player. Owen might be a good addition but he is only good at scoring. He no longer beats opponents with his pace and we have Anelka finishing off the moves already. With him in the team, either he has to be satisfied with not playing all the time or not lasting the whole match or just coming on as a substitute.
Ribery is involved in the Champions League with Bayern and Robben won't be returning. So two of the best players in creating chances and beating opponents are definitely not on the way to Stamford Bridge. I have always wanted Benzema, and I think he just might be another Fernando Torres. But he is ineligible for the Champions League and Lyon would want the world for him.
So where does that leave us? Amri Zaki with his powerful runs and skillful execution might be interesting but he is not the top of my list. Maybe Damian Duff can make a return or Robinho can still go on a strike and demands a move to London. Yah Robinho is definitely my first choice. Too bad he was waylaid by Mark Hughes' MAn City. I can imagine Chelsea leading with at least 8 to 9 points ahead of Liverpool if he had joined us.
Perhaps we should let Scott Sinclair establish himself with more first team experiences. His pace makes him an interesting prospect but he really needs time to settle down with the pace of top flight football.
Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps!

2008-12-04T15:00:00.001-07:00

"I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy place, a place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."

2008-12-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

2008-12-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

Tokyo DisneySea is hosting the romantic and relaxing special event “Harborside Christmas.” Sparkling illumination, vibrantly colored ornaments and a magnificent Christmas tree in front of the luxurious ocean liner S.S. Columbia all help create the Park’s uplifting holiday mood for this “town and sea” Christmas. At night, the show “Candlelight Reflections” is performed on the waters of Mediterranean Harbor with the Disney characters lighting a giant, waterborne Christmas tree. Also, the live swing jazz show “Big Band Beat” at the Broadway Music Theatre will feature the Disney characters and dancers in some additional Christmas-themed scenes. There are also lots of programs during the daytime. In “Meet and Smile,” the Disney friends gather together to welcome Guests to the Park during this 25th anniversary year. Other shows and attractions around the Park will have their own Christmas surprises as well, so bring someone special and enjoy this wonderful Christmas event!

2008-12-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

Tokyo Disneyland hosts “Christmas Fantasy,” a fantasy-filled special event that can only be experienced here in this Kingdom of Dreams and Magic. The entire Park will be decked for the holidays to give Christmas cheer to all. For this Tokyo Disney Resort 25th Anniversary year, the area in front of Cinderella Castle has been transformed into a wonderful world of snow! Here, Mickey and his pals host a fun and lively musical show called “Mickey’s Jolly Snowtime.” The Disney friends are joined by charming snowmen, lovely snow fairies, and dynamic dancers for a jolly good time in the snow! The holiday fun continues with a special Christmas version of the nighttime parade “Tokyo Disneyland Electrical Parade Dreamlights.” This is a fantastic parade of twinkling lights, with special arrangements of popular Christmas tunes. Also, Stitch gives some Hawaiian-style Christmas cheer in the greeting parade “Stitch Presents ‘A Happy Holiday Greeting.’” Other entertainment programs and attractions around the Park will feature added Christmas touches of their own, so be sure not to miss this year’s magical Christmas at Tokyo Disneyland.Tokyo Disneyland hosts “Christmas Fantasy,” a fantasy-filled special event that can only be experienced here in this Kingdom of Dreams and Magic. The entire Park will be decked for the holidays to give Christmas cheer to all. For this Tokyo Disney Resort 25th Anniversary year, the area in front of Cinderella Castle has been transformed into a wonderful world of snow! Here, Mickey and his pals host a fun and lively musical show called “Mickey’s Jolly Snowtime.” The Disney friends are joined by charming snowmen, lovely snow fairies, and dynamic dancers for a jolly good time in the snow! The holiday fun continues with a special Christmas version of the nighttime parade “Tokyo Disneyland Electrical Parade Dreamlights.” This is a fantastic parade of twinkling lights, with special arrangements of popular Christmas tunes. Also, Stitch gives some Hawaiian-style Christmas cheer in the greeting parade “Stitch Presents ‘A Happy Holiday Greeting.’” Other entertainment programs and attractions around the Park will feature added Christmas touches of their own, so be sure not to miss this year’s magical Christmas at Tokyo Disneyland.

Prince

2008-12-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

The Area
Although Yokohama is an integral part of the greater Tokyo area and a major urban center in its own right, it has its own personality stemming from its role as one of the greatest international seaports of Asia.
Thirty minutes by train from Tokyo, its broad, relatively uncrowded streets and mellow atmosphere provide a welcome contrast to Tokyo's congestion. Yokohama is a favorite holiday destination for those seeking sea air, tree-lined streets and harbor life.
The area immediately surrounding the Shin Yokohama Hotel is known as a huge sports zone featuring renowned facilities such as the Yokohama International Stadium and Yokohama Arena.
Activities Nearby
Ice Skating Rink - 10-minute walk
Bowling Center - 15-minute walk
Indoor Tennis Courts - 10-minute walk
Yokohama International Stadium - With a capacity of 70,000 spectators, this is the largest stadium in Japan and the home of the World Cup Soccer Tournament in 2002. (15-minute walk)
Yokohama Arena - A great spot for indoor track and field events, as well as music concerts, this facility holds up to 15,000 people. (2-minute walk)
Sightseeing Nearby
Chinatown - The largest Chinatown in Japan and great for an authentic meal anytime of day. (15 minutes by car or from JR Ishikawa-Cho Station)
Chinese Noodle Museum - Visit the museum, gift shops then sample the real thing in a variety of noodle shops. (10-minute walk)
Sankei-en Garden - Among the ponds and flowers are 16 architectural treasures, including a three-story pagoda from Kyoto. (10 minutes by car)
Minato Mirai 21 - An area of redeveloped docks featuring some creative architecture and street performers on the weekends. Focal point is Landmark Tower, one of the tallest buildings in Japan. (20 minutes by train, JR Neigishi Line)
Yokohama Bay Bridge - A famous local landmark. (25 minutes by car)
Kamakura - One of Japan's most interesting cultural areas with 65 Buddhist temples and 19 Shinto shrines, including the famous Great Buddha. (50 minutes by train, JR Yokosuka Line)
Shopping and Entertainment
Yokohama Bayside Marina - A shopping area with nearly 50 outlet stores selling apparel, sporting and outdoor goods. (10 minutes by car)
Yokohama-Hakkeijima Sea Paradise - A fun family place featuring an aquarium, fireworks shows, carnival and whale show. (20 minutes by car)
Yokohama City "Zoorasia" - See your favorite animals and some rare ones too! (30 minutes by car)
Shin Yokohama Prince Pepe - Shop for apparel, fine jewelry, purses, accessories and cosmetics. This shopping plaza is also famous for its liquor shop, which features 500 different types of wine from 10 countries.

Stormtroopers arrest Santa

2008-12-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

SANTA'S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) - An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa's Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas' celebrations. "The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes," Mr. Kwazansky said amid the palpable shock in the press corps. Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:
Answering questions about the causes of this assault and Santa Claus' detention, Mr. Kwazansky pointed out that Imperial Intelligence had undeniable proof of Santa's production of WMDs at his factory located near the North Pole. "He is also a perv, you know," he added, "a guy who goes around his house clad in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long. Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labor too. Ask the wookies."
Later in the press conference, Mr. Kwazansky, 48 years old and still living with his parents, revealed that Santa may have been stealing industrial secrets from Imperial-exclusive defense contractor Sienar Fleet Systems. "And what's with the bloody flying reindeers anyway?" he said, "how the Force do they fly? I bet they have Twin Ion Engines up their butts. That's classified technology, people. Fatso is finishing his days in the Great Pit of Carkoon, I tell you." The spokesperson left the stage laughing maniacally, muttering something about how Santa was going to suffer for all those years of coal back at the Imperial Orphanage.
Commenting on the strike, UN's North Pole representative Kalle Jugercømmandersson said that "we don't understand this act of unprovoked agression. The North Pole has been weapons-free since 1959, when Timmy the Polar Bear was killed by a drunk seal using a 38." Then, he started sobbing, crying "and we are not little boys! We are little grown men!" out loud.
Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.
(Photo of Santa being taken to an Imperial Shuttle—or something like that—courtesy of Michael Sibbernsen)

2008-12-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Yuppie, I wrote the previous entry. Was kinda hoping to win this necklace which the magazine offers for the chosen letter.

A little bit of PLP, a little bit of chinese

2008-11-30T01:59:00.002-07:00

亲爱的《女友》，
我是你们最新的崇拜者(convert)。我是在一个月前，刚好周末有空就买了本《女友》来打发时间。没想到，一看就不能自拔，爱上了你们。我年轻时有学过裁缝与摄影，结婚后便没再如何地去追寻这些兴趣了。不过，当我看到你们一页页如诗如画的服装，便觉得每张照片都拍得很美，把那服装与模特儿的精华展现的淋漓尽致。瞬间，我对服装潮流和摄影的热忱又被点燃了。如果时光能倒流，也许我会执着地往理想迈进。我也被你们所介绍的精美高贵的手表给打动。我的儿子是个爱表之人，常常出国收集寻觅非一般的手表。看来有你们的好介绍，他也能留在新加坡满足他的恋表欲望。
谈谈你们的《当你跟伴侣只剩亲情》，我觉得这并非升华或升天，而是一种自然的过程。即使，男人在婚姻里没了爱情，也不必再“出巡民间”，另结新欢。亲情包含了爱情，也是爱情所剩下的回忆。爱情的回忆是可以让人回味无穷和死而无憾的。爱情的回忆也是一种爱。它虽然不是情窦初开，热情奔放的那种爱，但它的悠悠情意，阵阵芳香也能让人满足。爱是永恒，指的不是一段爱情会经的气时间的摧残而完好无损。它指的是爱情的回忆，它的余味在我们心里是持久的。过了数十载，也能在我们的心池中找到一段一段爱情的涟漪。在热恋当中的情人，那一刻的刻骨铭心，为了爱情而作出的重重蠢事或烂漫的壮举，是在心里找到永恒的。
热爱中的那种感觉，是由新鲜与超高的荷尔蒙所保持的。人一旦习惯了，荷尔蒙的效应也会变淡。这是自然规律。爱情变亲情的过程，相似进化论。亲情和稳定才是可以伴人终老的。只有在亲情里才能看到真理。他们说爱情是盲目的，没错，因为我们在热恋中做出的傻事，往往只有在事后情绪稳定头脑清醒后才发觉做错了。
有人觉得亲情少了爱情里的那份刺激和未知数。有人是为了那刺激与兴奋而活，没了就走人，去开启另一段爱情。大多数，这种人都永远找不到幸福，应为他们不懂得付出。在亲情里也能有爱情一般的刺激，只不过需要你下功夫，找出让生活更有新鲜感的事情。烛光晚餐，亲手做的小礼物，国外旅行都需要你的费心力血，不过所得到的满足会远超过付出的精力。
如果当爱情变成亲情时便另结新欢，那就是说当初的爱情只是虚情假意。又何必流泪，依依不舍呢？
碧琦

PS:
迷糊主编的佳静，其实你的风格在《女友》让我欣赏不已。迷糊到可爱也不容易，乱中有序也是需要功夫的！

Food, books, camera and jewellery

2008-11-30T00:49:00.001-07:00

There is a reflection of a dreamy stare upon the 13" widescreen laptop of mine. That is a glaze devoid of feelings and yet able to expertly communicate the feeling I am having now. It is one of tiredness and a wish for the familiar comfort of my bed. Yet I am a few blocks away from home, sitting at Starbucks like a freeloader and indeed I am one.

I abhor the costly prices of beverages and food at Starbucks or Coffeebean. I still view myself as a customer because I have purchased something from them before and has been doing so occasionally. That should entitle me to occupy a chair and table in the establishment as and when I like.

I am debating whether to make my way to the Sitex exhibition. Perhaps I could pick up a good deal or two as the vendors are scramble to offload their mechandise during the final hours of the exhibition/sale. I have heard of Creative players going for as low as $10 or $20 as the sellers just wish to recoup whatever bare minimum they can. Or was it even lower.

The week was a delicious one as I scintillated my tastebuds with treats from many gourmet eateries. There were a couple of misses as well and they proved to be quite expensive too. Thanks mainly to Women's Weekly's one for one coupons, I was able to enjoy chicken rice at Chatterbox, pasteries at Bakerzin, Michelin Star pasta at Restaurant Bologna and so on.

The regret was definitely Window on the Park buffet which is merely a collection of average tasting hawker food. There is mixed rice with the standard dishes and some fanciful veal or mutton which really resemble burnt rubber. DIY laksa was fine and the nonya desserts collection was paltry. Even the chocolate fondue fountain could not temper the disappointment and sense of loss with the $40 bill.

Chatterbox was worth it for the novelty of uberexpensive chicken rice. It certainly delighted my palate as the chunks of cold, melt-in-your-mouth chicken meat entered my mouth. The warm and fragrant rice was a direct constrast which only served to complement the whole gastronomic experience. I have long learnt not to associate price with taste because very rarely if ever do astronomically priced food warrant the price tag. Value for money, I would go for an egg or Kaya toast at home any day. The view on the 38th level of Meritus Mandarin was unspectacular, simply because everywhere our sight falls on appears to be a construction site. The view was ameliorated when the sun went down and only the bright streetlamps and christmas lights reached my retinal.

Bakerzin never disappoint as I ordered an apple tart and a warm chocolate cake. It was a mistake to be eating both simultaneously though as the strong and sweet chocolate overwhelmed our taste buds, rendering the apple tart slightly sour and offbeat. However they are both princely in dessert terms when eaten on their own. The night was completed by a meal at NYDC. It was not part of SWW's promotion but I have vouchers for it so I might as well use them. Hawaiian Pasta definitely will rank high up in my food heaven. Speaking of which, the seafood pasta at Bakerzin deserves another look from me soon.

Speaking of vouchers, the $50 NYDC vouchers were used in 2 settings. I also managed to acquire in my possession a $50 Border gift card and $60 worth of Times vouchers. They were won by simple written submissions to the New Paper, CATS classified and Library Board. I think another $60 to $80 is on the way and I can make another onslaught at Times soon. My latest trip earned my 4 books: Eclispe, Un Lun Dun and two other books which I struggle to remember. I bought them because the authors won the Man Booker prize and the Pulitzer prize, accolades which the publishers unabashedly printed on the front of the books.

Then you have Ristorante Bologna. If ever I were asked for a definition of exceptional service, I would not hesitate to use RB as an illustration. Yet to just praise them for having wonderful waiters would grossly undermine the restaurant. The Squid Ink ravinalli with such generous helpings of fresh prawns mimicked the effects of ecstasy and heroin to a great extent. The bread they served before the main course was made to shine with their special olive sauce.

Mushroom Pot is something C would like. There is something similar with all steamboat places and to be successful you really need a good soup base. MP delivers on that count and the meat and vegetables added more brownie points to them. However I get tired of steamboat easily so I definitely will not return there by myself soon.

Last of all Friends at Chomp Chomp brought an end to my gastronomic adventure together with a high note. The ambience is wonderful and because the whole restaurant was empty even on a sunday morning, it felt like I had booked the place exclusively. I enjoyed a 3 course meal with each of the courses being just less than filling. That of course when added up do just nicely. The mushroom soup with white truffle essence was a mouthful. Truffle is actually a type of mushroom but you cannot be blamed if you detect a hint of dark cocoa in the soup, such is the richness of it. The perch fillet was just fried fish in a big plate but it was not unpleasant. Lastly the desserts consist of a marble cake and an upgraded($8 more) chocolate cake. The chocolate cake had sticky thick fudge oozing out of it and the cold ice cream almost made the whole experience spiritual.

I have no idea why I lunged into such a lengthy chronicle of my dietary memories. Perhaps it was a welcome break from my writeup. I am left with the last part on discussion and I really need to find extra motivation to finish it.

The picture I sent in for Spring@Northeast was selected and published. That earned me a cool Nikon S3 camera as a prize. I was just deliberating on whether to borrow a camera for my Japan trip. My present Kodak camera is a tad too bulky and sells me straight out as a tourist. If I want to utilize or practise my addictive bargaining skills, I should be better off appearing as a local. I would not look out of place in Japan I guess with my fair skin and oriental looks. Some people thought I was Taiwanese and M actually asked if I were from Korea.

My mother was also delighted when she saw the article I wrote on her behalf appear in Nu You magazine. Perhaps she was astounded by my chinese pensmanship or she was just really happy with the pendant which she would soon receive. That comes hot on the heels of her Risis Bamboo inspired Jewellery set. Since I am too poor to buy proper jewellery for her, earning them as prizes would not be too bad either.

So the debate within my head rages on. Sitex, writeup or just go home and wait to go for dinner with my parents?
Clueless, blur and unmotivated.

Blue Christmas Tree, Green Guanhongikum, Golden Union and White faces

2008-11-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

Merry November and Looking forward to a great Christmas

2008-11-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

One Rochester.

2008-11-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

A cup of water. A cup of memories.

2008-11-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

My night at the airport

2008-11-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Within my memories or brain, there is a very serene night at the airport. I am not certain if such an event actually happened but the feelings it inspires are very real. Let me describe the scene to you. It is a quiet and blue night, the airport runway is lit up by thousands of lamps and everything is very peaceful.

There are some movements by cargo trucks or technicians on the runway. Very subtle but because it is so quiet, their actions are magnified. The droning sound of a landing airplane is heard. The plane is then spotted faraway and gradually becomes bigger. It is a night where you can see the stars but not from the plane. However the ground looked like dense clusters of stars albeit very squarish from the plane.

The stars on the ground are golden in color interspersed with rectangles that are dark blue and very dull. Although the plane is very noisy while landing, there is a serenity contained in the night that overwhelms everything. I do not notice other passengers, not even my mother who was with me. I know in my subconsciousness they should be there.

Perhaps they are too tired. I suspect their tiredness comes not from the flight but a wariness of life and of the lonely night. I feel like I am among zombies. Not those vicious menacing ones but people without souls. They move around me in a slow blurness. I am in high contrast and richly colored.

AS I moved towards the arrival hall, everything seems so vivid and yet silent. No, they are loud, not audibly but visually everything is loud and clear. I know somewhere in B1 the hall is empty and there is an emptiness waiting for me to occupy. I know that I will find solitude in the level directly below mine.

Why am I writing this? Because it is a sleepless night for me again. How I long to return to this airport of my dreams. So I may enter the basement of loneliness. The nothingness within it will engulf me and I will finally find my peace.

2008-11-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

I am going to Yokohama to watch Man U in action for their FIFA club world cup tournament semifinal. Of course me in any state of mind will not pay to go and watch the Red Devils. Blue is the color of the blood coursing through my veins. However this is an unexpected present and a free trip. It took me all of a minute to participate in the Sony Football Moments contest, a contest that requires you to vote for the best goal out of five selected moments. Naturally I chosen Samir Nasri's 2nd goal against Man U because it is indeed a work of beauty. I summed it up with the words: flowing football with a gush of quality at the end. And in the end I got a pair of tickets to Tokyo, accomodation for 2 nights and 2 tickets for the competition which is Chelsea had won in May, it would be the best thing that had happened since the invention of Katong Laksa. So well, this comes in second but it is still not bad. I probably have to start my revision like right now so I can spare that few days away frolicking in the white cold city of Yokohama and Tokyo.
I think I was wondering how wonderful it would be to be able to go to Disneyland. I think there is one is Tokyo, and I will be going there. If it is indeed in Tokyo. I should start digging my old Jap textbook out and relearn those hanakana or whatever those basic jap words and their pronunciation are. A 2-3 day itinery should not be too hard to plan. Without expenses like hotel and air tickets, I probably can spend a tiny bit more on food and sovenoirs over there. Not everyone will get one from me becauase I am not exactly that rich. Perhaps I should just get some for my parents. Since I am going with my uncle I probably will not have the chance to witness the sleazy side of Tokyo. I shall take plenty of pictures and visit all their famous attractions as I possibly can in 3 days. I will be watching the match on the evening of 18th.
Yesterday I went to watch Hell's Highway KM31. It is a mexican flick and another pair of free tickets. I still have not used my Dragon Hunters' tickets. There is only 1 screening time left at PS. I certainly hope it will still be around by next wednesday. Pray hard. Another way that was my 12th or 13th pair of free tickets this year. I guess it is pretty easy to win tickets to shows which are not that popular. Xueting did not find the Dragon Hunters interesting. My dad thought Hell Highway was crap. At least my mum was appreciative of Journey to the Center of the Earth. She got really anxious when the dinosaur started snapping at the heels of the kid who was looking for his dad or his legacy. Let me recall, the other shows I got free tickets for are: Black Magic 4, Dragon Hunters 2 pairs, Sing to the Dawn, Clones War, Boy A, Mama Mia, Babylon AD, 2 pairs of GV tickets which have no restriction on what I watch, a pair of Beyond concert tickets, 2 pairs of Misia concert tickets... Somewhere there.I think I missed out a couple of shows but it doesn't really matter.
I feel like eating rum and raisin ice cream. I cannot remember where I had last eaten it or whey is there such a craving. I shall buy it later after I have finished at least 2 chapters of my OBGYN notes. Today was a pain really. I had to lug around my laptop and two thick files worth of notes from NUS to KKH and back home. My back and neck is still aching from that exertion.
Someone mentioned that the prevalence of HPV is around 70 to 80 %. I was thinking ruefully that we as a batch probably end up in that 20% who get no exposure. It is kind of sad. After all my friend wisely said that we are like teapots, waiting to pour our tea into the teacups that are around. Stale tea doesn't taste too good.
So I shall spend an hour or so tomorrow to plan for the trip to Japan. Then many hours on studying the notes which I had reclaimed from the photocopy shop for a princely sum of 30++ bucks.
Life goes on.
Fucking hell. I am glad I copied this entry before attempting to upload. The connection almost took me for aride again.

I am really random.

2008-11-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

I hate public hotspots. Forget to save whatever you are typing and the next time you click post, the computer fucking redirects you to log in again. What the fuck.
Anyway I am trying to recreate word for word a blog of a few thousand words because my fucking computer pulled this stunt on me.
I was just having a lazy afternoon where I do not feel like doing anything. I whisked a few hours away doing precisely that. Even when I feel like doing something, the hours spent on deliberation means I usually end up doing nothing. So I got to the point this time round. In the morning I wanted to go to the clinics but every one of them had a student in it already. The doctors only allowed one per person. One even told us that since its her first day, she prefers not to have anyone near her. Well suck thumb. It is their right. So not really feeling dejected, I trooped home for a rendezvous with my bed. I remained status quo till 2pm in the afternoon when my phone started ringing. It was the unwanted call. From the tuition agency asking for payment. LEt them wait. Ignore the calls. There is a perverse satisfaction in the whole evasion exercise. Eventually I will pay up. It is just a matter of time. I have plenty. Not money though. Something that is unlikely to change until next year when my students return to me.
It is not bad though, to be taking a break and engaging in some serious studying. Or some studying. I like getting phone calls from unknown numbers. Got a few from some insurance agencies and financial counsultancies. Then you have people from Serangoon Gardens Country Club calling to ask you to take up membership. Maybe if they pay me. So I told them to call me again in 2 weeks time. This has been going on for a few months. They are patient. Then I got another one. This time from the Singapore FLyers. Somehow I managed to get into their FIrst Anniversary celebrations list. I have no idea what that means. Just gave them my details. Last friday was the best. GOt a call from ESPN. Informed me I am in with a chance of winning a bonus prize for a trip to Japan. To watch Man U play in the semi finals of the World Club Championship. If Chelsea had beaten them in May, I would have been drooling till now. So if I do get it and since it is right smack in the middle of my study period, I can either sell it or enjoy a plane trip and visit some kawaiii girls before making my way back. Lets not count the chicks before they are hatched.
Talking about last friday, i attended a wedding of a cousin of this 4th Aunt that I supposedly have. The guy was a block of lumbering giant. I think his wife cannot speak English. No shame though about that. It is just education and the right opportunities. HOwever some of my relatives, alot of my aunties, in fact all of them are born with some hereditary ancephaly or had methane rich craniums. I think most of them do not know my name. Somehow they think they have a really intelligent nephew who is called YANhong. You know the thing about the old chinese folks, they are really bad at HanYuPingYing. In part they are heavily influenced by their mother tongue: Hokkien and the other reason is they couldn't complete their primary school education. Most of them are not working. Find a partially blind or tasteless businessman and get married and be a TaiTai. The only one who managed to find a job became a police. That is what happens if you do not study hard. Anyway they have farts for brains. I rather liked the sound of it. FARTS FOR BRAINS. They are now pursuing their hobby of imitating a barrel quite successfully. EMpty barrels. I guess the guys are not so much affected because they seemed to have some semblance of normality.
The wedding was held at FUrama Riverfront Hotel. Right beside 3 night clubs and I would not be surprised if they gifted the groom discount vouchers there for his bachelor's night. The wedding went quite well except my grandmother lost her ear rings. Someone said it was a heirloom, so I guess effectively she lost my earrings. The kind old lady is already 90 years old. Bless her and when I get my first pay check for an honest day's work, I will buy her another one. As long as she makes it a heirloom and passes it to the eldest son. The food was okay. Nothing spectacular. in Fact I have not been to a really memorable wedding. I guess we have to wait till I get married before things get really impressive. The gifts were quite poorly made. The colors were awful and the handphone holders still retained some of the plastic edges.
SPeaking of weddings, I had some inspirations about proposals. The kind that negotiates a contract with the girl of your dreams to become the woman of your life, the wife of the goon in your house and the mother of the kids if you are fertile. SO indeed such proposals tend to require the guy to be creative and romantic. The ingredients are usually the same:candles,romantic music, flowers, soft toys like teddy bears or hEllo Kittys, flowers, lots and lots of flowers: roses, tulips, lilies.. never crysanthemums even if they are are really cheap, chocolates, red wine, and a diamond ring. Of course the probablity of success is proportionately linked to the size of the diamond or the male phalanx.
Picture this: a hotel room, plenty of flowers and soft toys on the bed, the flowers arranged to form the words I love you or a heart shape. Gentle music playing in the background. Really romantic and soft ambience, dim orange light. That is the recipe of success. Change the settings, posh restaurant, candle light dinner, a bouquet of roses and a violinist playing a song for you two and you present her the diamond ring. I am glad I know a few musicians so getting a violinist to play for me should be no problem. I can even get it outdoors by the beach. If there is no violinist, perhaps I can go for a cello player! I know one as well. Another scenario: a trip on the boat along Singapore RIver. A nice dinner and floating candles forming a heart shape on the river. I have plenty more ideas up my sleeve but you have to pay for those. Too bad I will only do it once, what a waste of a whole host of splendid ideas. One note on the girl of your dreams, after marriage and giving birth, she will no doubtedly still remain the girl! But you might be having nightmares already.
I was just giving tips to my friend on how to celebrate his anniversary. LAst year I suggested a mini bbq for two by the beach. It worked like a beauty. Quite a simple idea, grab those disposable bbq trays and some seafood. You cannot really go wrong with bbq food. This year I suggested going to this teddy bear factory and make a teddy bear. The product of your love. So now you have added another layer to your relationship, you have created something together. Of course I would encourage him to translate that metaphor into physical actions. The time is ripe, the girl is right and the parents has left. Tian shi di li ren he.

EastcoastLife

2008-10-25T11:55:00.000-06:00

I just had a very interesting day. Saw a delivery and a Cesarean Section. IT was bloody but the babies were beautiful.
So I thought I might get another pleasant surprise as I checked on Eastcoastlife bfore going to sleep after a long tiring day.
The competition draw was postponed and my entries were submitted. However I do not know if I had any incorrect answers. That is making me nervous.
Good luck to me and the rest of those who joined.
And best wishes to the new parents!

EastCoastLife is giving away a 60" LG HD Plasma TV!!

2008-10-23T15:53:00.000-06:00

EastCoastLife is giving away a 60" LG HD Plasma TV!!: "or the next 5 weeks (from 15th September to 25 October 2008, 12 midnight), read my blog and then answer 10 questions based on the articles I wrote. One question will appear on certain posts.

Write down your 10 answers and personal particulars on an A4-sized white paper, send to me..... by Slow Mail or you can send your entry form personally to the address below :

EastCoastLife/LG Contest
1 Coleman Street
#02-35 The Adelphi
Singapore 179803

Please give your Full Name (as written in your NRIC and Passport), ID number, Address, Contact Number and email. If you are a blogger, please give your nick and blog url. The winner will be notified by phone.

Attention Singapore Bloggers!!

Blog about my contest and link to me. Every time you do that, you'll be rewarded with a duplicate copy of your entry form to enter for the draw. Maximum 5 times. That means you get more chances of winning this TV!!

In addition, there will be mystery prizes for 3 lucky bloggers who participate in my contest but didn't win this TV. Prizes from EastCoastLife."

2008-10-23T15:45:00.000-06:00

I have finally researched and obtained all the answers to the questions Eastcoastlife set on her blog. At least I made it before the deadline. There was one particular tricky question in the sense that I could not locate where it was. It took me a cool hour to figure out where exactly in the blog the question is.
Now it will be time for me to go to school soon. I missed only one day this week so it is not such a bad week. On the way to school I shall drop by the postoffice and drop my letters to ECL.
Here are some of the details:
or the next 5 weeks (from 15th September to 25 October 2008, 12 midnight), read my blog and then answer 10 questions based on the articles I wrote. One question will appear on certain posts.

Write down your 10 answers and personal particulars on an A4-sized white paper, send to me..... by Slow Mail or you can send your entry form personally to the address below :

EastCoastLife/LG Contest
1 Coleman Street
#02-35 The Adelphi
Singapore 179803

Please give your Full Name (as written in your NRIC and Passport), ID number, Address, Contact Number and email. If you are a blogger, please give your nick and blog url. The winner will be notified by phone.

Attention Singapore Bloggers!!

Blog about my contest and link to me. Every time you do that, you'll be rewarded with a duplicate copy of your entry form to enter for the draw. Maximum 5 times. That means you get more chances of winning this TV!!

In addition, there will be mystery prizes for 3 lucky bloggers who participate in my contest but didn't win this TV. Prizes from EastCoastLife.

EastCoastLife is giving away a 60" LG HD Plasma TV!!

2008-10-22T15:53:00.000-06:00

EastCoastLife is giving away a 60" LG HD Plasma TV!!

EastCoastLife and a 60 inch LG plasma TV

2008-10-22T11:53:00.000-06:00

Speaking of famous bloggers, EastCoastLife comes to the mind almost immediately. She is a multiple blog award winner amd talks about the fun things in Singapore, PM Lee, politics and can even blog in chinese. Hats off to her.
Right now she is actually giving away a 60 inch plasma tv if you can answer 10 questions of hers correctly and get chosen by her in a lucky draw. I wonder how she manages to draw sponsors to give away such big and wonderful prizes.
I am watching the Uefa Champions League now on my LCD Tv. A 60 inch plasma tv? That would be heaven in terms of football watching. With Chelsea scoring freely and playing silky football, I can catch and be mesmerized by their actions and goals on a 60inch TV. Right now is half time and the score is zilch to both sides: Roma and Chelsea. I bet there would be goals after I finish blogging and return to the couch.
I spent quite a lot of time reading her blog and she is actually sponsored by LG. They give her phones and what not. I wonder if LG would sponsor my phones and household appliances if I tattoo their logo on my arm. Or perhaps shave on my head the letters LG.
Ponderings aside, the 60 inch plasma tv is not even out in stores here yet. I wonder( still pondering) how much electricity it will suck right from the socket. I am not very sure about the specifications but I guess you just have to look around for the specifications of the best plasma TVs and this one will top everything.

那些女孩教我的事

2008-10-03T14:09:00.000-06:00

品冠 - 那些女孩教我的事
作词：阿信作曲：阿信
要不是你让想念猖狂打破天窗
我不会发现枕头上的光亮
以为你就是故乡
却变成我的流浪
谁的傍晚是谁的天亮
十九八七六十六亿人同时狂欢
五四三二一个人倒数孤单
回忆的拥挤广场
假装你还在身旁
就像你最爱依赖我的肩膀
第一行诗的狂妄
第一首歌的难忘
第一次吻你的唇
你的倔强
第一颗流星灿烂
第一个天真愿望
第一个诺言美丽的荒唐
你叫我爱的善良
你教我恨的野蛮
你教我忘记该忘
伤心太伤
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问
想念的想念的想念的你
怎么样
爱情是信仰
或只能是旅途风光
那女孩带我漫游一次天堂
你教我怎么爱上
却没教怎么遗忘
让我的阳光都换成了泪光
第一行诗的狂妄
第一首歌的难忘
第一次吻你的唇
你的倔强
第一颗流星灿烂
第一个天真愿望
第一个诺言美丽的荒唐
你教我爱的善良
你教我恨的野蛮
你教我忘记该忘
伤心太伤
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问
想念的想念的想念的你
怎么样
第一行诗的狂妄
第一首歌的难忘
第一次吻你的唇
你的倔强
第一颗流星灿烂
第一个天真愿望
第一个诺言美丽的荒唐
你教我爱的善良
你教我恨的野蛮
你教我忘记该忘
伤心太伤
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问
想念的想念的想念的你
怎么样
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问
想念的想念的想念的你
怎么样

Books

2008-09-11T11:10:00.000-06:00

I just finished Comprehensive Opthalmology by Khurana, Prisoner of Birth by Jeffery Archer, Magic Kingdom for Sale, The Black Unicorn, The Tangle Box and Wizard at Large by Terry Brooks, I also finished Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and is currently on his Stardust. I am waiting for Dusk Watch by Sergey Lukyanenko and Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. Maybe I can also start on a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain. Should I buy the erotic Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice? How about Midnight Children By Rushdie?
Depends on my mood!

2008-09-10T03:47:00.000-06:00

Can't Smile without you

2008-09-10T03:29:00.000-06:00

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without youI can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you
You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who would have believed that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away
And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me
And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without youI can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

More...

2008-09-07T10:17:00.000-06:00

I needed a new belt.. since I have only one.
I needed a new pair of shoes, the one I am wearing now is wearing out.
I needed a new pair of specs, 3 years have seen the rims fading.
I need a new printer, I just broke my printer of 3 years also by a roundhorse kick.

But I got a new belt and new shoes today. :D Almost free.
Hopefully I can also have the other two at no costs..
:D

i love the night

2008-08-14T06:00:00.000-06:00

in a blur

2008-08-14T04:51:00.000-06:00

July And AUgust

2008-08-14T04:38:00.000-06:00

AM I really going to be seeing them?

2008-07-27T19:55:00.000-06:00

SLeepy pig @ 9.52am

2008-07-27T19:51:00.000-06:00

Welcome to KL. THere is Wireless@KL! But pretty girls are scarce. Carry on looking.

Arrival

2008-07-27T16:25:00.000-06:00

I woke up to an unfamiliar surroundings today. Entering KL while peacefully comatosed, the federal city of Malaysia was still shrouded underneath the blankets of the night. It was a peaceful yet nostalgic journey. Not merely a journey of distance but that of time as well. The previous times I had been to Malaysia, all but one trip was made with my mother. The exception was when I visited Chuantin and Anand. That bus journey was largely forgettable and for that reason I cannot really recall details of it. The other parts of the sojourn was better preserved in memories though.
It is the remembrance of my childhood busrides along the highways of Malaysia that still lingers on. Together with the expressways they were revisited. So it was in a largely reflective mood that I set off from Singapore. The Tuas causeway which the driver took to access Malaysia was something novel. It was a largely forlorn entrypoint with only 2 or 3 officers idling around. Our arrival gave their night some significance at least.
As a child, I would always fear an inadvertant separation from my mother when the bus makes a stop at one of those megamarts along the highway. There were always so many people despite the defunct hours. I guess most of them welcome the stopover as a merry alternative to being cramped up in those tuna-cans of buses they were in. Once my mother moved to the back of the bus where there were otiose sleeping space, so to free up more room for me. I woke up in pusanillanimity, thinking that I had been abandoned. A thorough search through the bus eventually reunited me with the assuring sight of my mother. Not to mention the rest of the miffed awakened passengers. I was not being subtle in my expiscatory.
Those days, I can just stare out of the tainted windows of the bus, absorbing the moving greyscale landscape. They flash past me like faded polaroids of nature. Like a broken down antique telly. Images from my nightmares would play in my imagination. Perhaps the aversion was borne out of an primal detestation and fascination with the jungles draped with the lowlying nightsky.
This time my phone radio and the coach's small screen personal TV took over my cognizance and the sights from outside the windows went largely unnoticed. The radio has the DJ telling ghost stories. There were canards about a female headless body or bodyless head depending on your intepretation, and a long dead child whose noddle was preserved and stitched to a ragged doll. Then I turned my assiduity to the miniature tv and watched Vacancy and Disturbia. The ensuing sleep was surprisingly free of phantoms and ghouls.
So I had no idea when the bus reached my destination. Having no ideas do not bother me, not reaching my terminus ad quem irks me alot. Rising with gratitude for an uneventful and comfortable jaunt, I finally stepped onto the modern boulevards of KL. Truth be told, the streets were no less ravishing than our Orchard Road at 5am. My hotel The Ancasa would hold its hold against Meritus or Marriot. HOwever there was a quirkiness about my lodging. There is no direct path leading to the entrance. You have to make your way from the sides, following the driveway that rims the front of the hotel. The guards were sleeping and I can only check in at 10am.
There were two Macdonalds in sight and 20 taxis yearning for lost tourists. Add another 200 locals and sightseers scattered randomly around the tendrilic streets, you have the official figures at 5.30am. The roads were easy to cross at leisure for cars were far and few in between. Entering my first Macdonalds, there were not many people. Yet there were no place for me as these brokes took up at least 2 tables each. One even laid supine across a long bench, clearly a big exhausted journeyman. There were people like me: one glance and you can tell they are foreign to this land, the other group being students burning the midnight or pre-dawn oil at this outlet.
I took a leak and it is the customary scent of micturition that greeted me at the toilet. Pee smells the same in Malaysia too. The latrines just as grubby. Relieved, I left the place and headed over to my current location. They have 24-hour internet cafes over here as well. I suspect it would not be hard work for me to get around this place too.
My stomach is now annoucing its awakening and I shall make for the other Macdonalds at the end of this street.
To be continued.

1.20am

2008-07-22T11:15:00.000-06:00

I am a coke person while my son is more of a Homer Simpson type. So I guess I will be visiting the snacks stall while the small devil sits down comfortably in the Gold Class lounge sampling his booze and wondering why I always take so long.

Our small garden city does not offer too much in terms of entertainment for the locals.

Usually Singaporeans spend their leisure time at the cinemas, not many people like to brave the sun and storm to go Sentosa or visit the animals in the zoos.

So we spend our money at the cinemas, at the popcorn stalls, at the video games café besides the cinemas and now we have bars to quench our alcoholic spirits. It is a pretty decent to make money from the rich, speaking from the cinema owners’ perspective.

Build bigger cinemas, charge even higher prices, throw in some perks and charge even higher and higher fees. So there you are, the lounge for the upper class.

It would be convenient for those with larger pockets as they can to sit and wait for their movie to begin instead of walking aimlessly around the mall. At the same time they can enjoy small chat over a glass of wine with their companions. You can trust those guys to keep it sober when they enter the movies.

For those who hate the long queue at the carpark or escalators after a show, they can also slip into the lounge and sip a martini or Tiger beer.

Drinking is definitely not for your average office worker or teenage bengs as they usually get their kick from coffeeshops or supermarkets’ beer and wine aisle. So you can still enjoy your movie in peace, rest assured!

Omnia

2008-07-17T02:28:00.000-06:00

Omnia

2008-07-17T01:29:00.003-06:00

The phone is more than just a companion in these days. It is the window that connects your mind and soul to the rest of the world. In Omnia I have found the most exquisite window in the world that offers me the broadest and most beautiful view of the world.

The Omnia's sleek and shiny black frame is a like temptress to all men. It makes one eager to put his hands on the Omnia because great form promises great substance. In holding such a product of elegance, one might hope that the virtue rubs off on oneself. I certainly could not resist taking a few more looks at myself in the mirror while holding the Omnia. Class may not be bought but this is the next best thing.

Indeed, the abilities of the phone is coherent with the loveliness of its appearance. It is a window of great opportunities and scenery. Every time I look at the 3.2-inch WQVGA LCD screen, it seems like I am looking at a whole new world. Everything appears sharper and more enticing over there. Yet it has the artistic qualities of a great painting. When I play a movie with the Omnia, the characters seem to leap out at me; when I play a song with the Omnia, it sounds as like the singers have shrunk to fit into the Omnia and are within the phone serenading to me. I am almost brought to tears.

The workaholic and professional in me wants more than just entertainment from the Omnia. Just like a fairygod mother, the Omnia grants my wish because when I wished to work with the Omnia, it transformed into a miniature computer. The Omnia has everything I needed to write documents, do up presentations, search for information online and email my friends with. Yet it is the seamless integration of all these functions that make me believe that magic is at work here. Everything can be performed with ease and pleasure with the Touchwhiz screen.

And the Omnia packs a powerful camera as well. How can I capture the scenic view outside a window with the window itself? The CMOS camera turns the memorable moments of my life into electronic bytes and allows me to relive these scenes with great nostalgia. With the smile detection, I can recount the many smiles of those around me with clarity and warmth. With a generous internal memory of 8 or 16gb plus an extensible memory slot, I can store my world in the Omnia. Through the same window of Omnia, I will never be lost because its GPS system is a guiding beacon.

The Omnia is indeed everything and anything. It is a sleek window to limitless possibilities and enjoyment. It puts in the fun into the things you can do with a phone. It puts in the style and the class into what you are doing. It even makes you feel like you are the one who is Omnipotent, not just the phone. I love everything about the Omnia and the Omnia is everything I wish for.

my new alarm clock

2008-07-14T09:35:00.001-06:00

old photos revisited

2008-07-14T08:57:00.000-06:00

I need to sell some of my stuff.

2008-07-14T05:19:00.000-06:00

I need to raise money for my KL/ Shah Alam stadium trip. I have been studying the geography of West Malaysia closely, especially the region close to the sea. I did not realize that Kuala Lumpur official name is Kuala Lumpur federal territory. Trust the Malays to come up with such an interesting name. Would the name Kuala Lumpur suggest that it lies not in the hands of the state of malaysia? Private owned?
Anyway it is somewhere in the middle of Selangor, which makes it really interesting because having a state within a state. Or am I not getting something here?
Anyway Shah Alam stadium is somewhere in Shah Alam and that is somewhere within Selangor and somehow connected to KL. It got abit confusing for me but luckily for a few landmarks which I have been to before, I was able to make out the general direction of where I should be headed if I were to go to KL.
The ticket cost 39 and a 2 night stay over at KL would mean I have to fork out about 180.

It is always good to have cash or money in the bank I guess. It is a form of sercurity. Emotionally as well. I am putting my camera up for sale at $450 and I received two offers to buy. Yet one was unable to raise the required amount and wasted a whole afternoon of my sms. He sounded like a malay biker. Trying to sell his bike and move into a smaller apartment. He is really not very knowledgeable. Neither is he grammar or vocab very good. In fact it was a joke, so much that I felt disgusted with his messages. I am however not appalled by his cash. Yet the only thing that I did not dispise him for , he did not have enough of it.

Of course it was just that I was not having a very enriching day. Nor was it rich. Being poor means u have poor days most of the month. Not that I am very poor nor really poor. Just that I feel poor. Perhaps it would be a good way to make me save and be thrifty.
I took ten dollars out today. After finishing all of it on a meal which I did not eat, I did not have a note in my wallet and I did not visit the atm.
That should be the way . Just 10 dollars day and even on days where I go out to town. If i need more money I should just save up on previous days.

Now even my priceless and precious guitar is going up for sale. Perhaps I can raise up to one or two thousand dollars in cash. My imitation watches are also going under the hammer. I really love them but as they say times are hard. ( I am laughing at my own pun)

My friend is asking me to write a short resume for her. Seriously I thought her first one was a joke and I told her so. She actually sent that in and it could be no surprise that few companies called her up. I am trying to write another one for her. Maybe I could get her to pay me. Of course I was speaking in jest. I am not heartless.